I'm feeling so small.. there is so much not being said, so much uncertainty.. I'm feeling the weight of everything, and also realizing how busted up I am, not just about the little things, literally everything.
I'm trying... I'm trying to not give into all the things that made me who I was.. but I'm also feeling lost because I love so deeply, so fully it actually hurts me.. I cannot describe how much of a failure I have felt like.
and people say I've made it this far etx etx. but that's not what I mean. I mean in the sense I probably set a bar high, and I had expectation to make it somewhere, be someone. and instead this is who i am. so much has happened that changed everything I am doing in my life and believe the adjustment of that is a process. I have been reaching out making sure I'm connected, making sure I talk to other people about all that is similar, I'm trying beyond all that I am to not fail at anything..
I wrote recently about love.. is it normal to love someone? is it normal to be in love? is it normal to be fucking terrified of it? I'm gonna guarantee at my age, I have loved and lost, and loved and loved, and loved and been rejected. I only learned to love not that long ago, and i only knew about unconditional love in a different way, I believed in that BS one and only, or that together till death do us part. and I don't want to believe in that anymore. I don't think we can grow old as one, or whatever the freakin words are. But I believe that like that blurb I read.. fuk in my old age I'm forgetting what it was about.
hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about
so this person comes around shattered broken pieces of their heart, as if we all walk around showing that shit to everyone. and this one person has all these broken pieces, where as another has the most perfect heart, and another has one tiny piece of their heart missing. when the person with piece missing asks the wholeheartedly for a piece of course response is no, they don't want to ruin that perfection, but when they approach the person who's got a shattered broken heart, the person doesn't even question giving it up, and when asked why they do this so freely, the response is idk. I guess that's life.. ???>
so the person who has the best perfect heart may never know about compassion, giving or receiving other peoples love.
whereas the person who's shattered, broken pieces of their heart is out for all, and they have no problem helping out others..
believe me I'm sure when we've loved and lost, we'd love to not have given pieces of ourselves to others, and have those people carry that with them/
but we live in a world where we desire, yearn, and want that connection with someone. not just in best friends sense, or family sense, but the intimate vulnerable sense. to bear all and say here I am take me or leave me.
I don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm just scared.. scared to put my heart out there, as I have said it's never gone very well. but at the same time, today when they said they loved me before I loved them. I was astonished, surprised, and felt the warm fuzzy feeling, because it's super great but super scary. how can they love me so easily and so openly without any concern. I don't understand.. is this a joke? am I being tested? how can someone ever feel that way for me so damn fast.. I know I know we knew each other before that, honestly for me it wasn't that fast, because look at me now I'm still scared of ever admitting it, and to even let it all in.
I've put up all my defense mechanisms I'm waiting for the beg to drop? the foot to drop? waiting for the truth to be revealed that it's lie... I'm scared to hear if it's not.. I'm scared what does this mean. I don't know I guess for someone with my unresolved history I'll have to figure out. I've already reached out for supports, and I'm trying to not be me..
but now that I've opened a door like the one that is opened... Im finding it harder to not be the person I don't wanna be, because a part of me wants that but doesn't. I don't know what this means for the future I just know that I love/hate myself and I'm trying to work on that.. which will take time during a time like this.. but believe me i don't want to lose what I have, but I also wonder Idk.. how could this be true.. how can this be real.. am I really living or is this a dream. but also ugh so much... IDK...I'm struggling, and a part of me needs to talk about it, but the other part.. IDK>... its normal to feel afraid of being vulnerable I guess...
Believe me as human person I am I desire, yearn and want.. I love the feelings on the good days, but on others I don't even know how they can even look at me with that love, and other days I want to drown in that love... I don't know where the happy medium is.. and I don't know what type of love I demand, or want to feel you know? I just know what or where we are at is not enough, and a part of me wants to jump in asking for more, but other part of me wants to hide.. I don't know...I love so much but Im so scared the cost of loving that much will cost me more than I'd like to give... what does it cost them to love me? how can I be better for them to feel better about loving me? how can I bring more joy and happiness to their lives so they feel wholeheartedly knowing that life is worth living? even though I don't feel like I feel that way, I also want them to feel that you know? does that make sense?
I just need to get somewhere..for something. I need something IDK WHat to do...........
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