the times are rough

 You know recently a friend of mine basically questioned everything I've done in my life, basically causing me to reevaluate every decision I had made. 

I can't express enough about how much of a failure I have felt like lately.  Once upon a time I can write that over and over.. there have only been a handful of times where I wish I could share the truth and how amazing it felt, and how powerful, empowered I had felt in those times. 

however I cant write it because I don't want to be that real. I'll say the times are rough because I needed to be mended. I need to feel loved. I need to know that all the BS I've been standing for hasn't been for nothing. more and more as the days press on I begin to question what I've done in life, an why I have made these choices. 

I wish I could explain how difficult it has been to not speak on these truths that I'm dealing with, and how I've been coping. or lack of coping. I miss the good ole days I can pick up the phone and call my best friend and she just sits there listening, advising, or sharing her experiences or something. now I pick up the phone and I;m lucky if the person answers.. we live in a world where people prefer to text, email, or do the online blog 

Im feeling defeated.. I don't know I wrote about the incident that happened a few months back, and or the people I've met since then. I know assholes will say don't live in the past, don't let that shit consume you, but if you understood me as a person, then you'd see that I Have to grieve this way, I have to work through this on my own. and I can't have people sitting there denying how I feel, or saying it's wrong. I have to figure that out for myself, because now what they have created is a fear or sharing my stuff because they have rejected my feelings or sharing so often that I just rather say nothing. 

as times have been rough it just feels like it keeps getting worse. there are few moments where I think oh wow maybe it's finally letting up, maybe I'm finally gonna feel better even if it's for a second... and as soon as that half a second passes, the world comes crashing down, and I'm reminded what it costs for me to be happy..and I go back to where I was. 

people all around me repeatedly say I am the one whos going to destroy what I have now, and i honestly believe them, as I sit here questioning everyhing, where I sit here doubting everything... being reminded what I haven't done enough to prove myself? or am I just really not that worthy of what I have now. and maybe I need to matters into my own hands and sabotage it all because yes I'll feel badly for awhile, because I don't really want too, but at the same time... I can't keep this up. Im an idiot for feeling anything, and for wanting it all, and thinking what I can bear it all? knowing I probably cant and shouldnt, cause if it was meant to be me, then it would have been me, and seeing as it's not is further proof that I am not.

I don't know how to get up form it all, I don't know how to survive this, I don't know how to get out of my own head, and to just let this be the way things are, because this is not enough. this is bs garbage, and of all things i deserve more.. and maybe I deserve more and that this should have been that. and the fact that it's not makes me disappointed but maybe we both know this, maybe we both see it, and both just forcing ourselves to be put in this position for no reason other then to silently keep hurting each other?

I ask for more, or to be affirmed of this bs. and instead I get rejected, and/or let down, and then I sit here wondering what I had done wrong... an realize maybe they dont want and yet they won't let me go, so where do I go from here because Im losing my mind, and it's breaking me down... 

maybe it's all in my head, but if someone knew this is who I was being, on the regular as sadly it's never changed because IM that crazy all on my own, then i should have had that reassurance. and the fact that I don't it makes me believe that there's something else going on here, and I don't like that feeling and its killing me to have to believe this is the truth that Im being placed in this BS position. and it is killing me truly killing me.