Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Insanity at it's best

Let's hope this insanity that I am feeling is only temporary but I know that I have to write it out because the more I am sitting here contemplating it all the more my anxiety is rising and I'm getting terrified.
So I've planned my secret trip to Ft. St. James this has been the home of my father for over 20 yrs, he's buried there.. and for the FIRSt time in my entire life! I am going to honour him in such a significant way, just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes! I am getting my father a headstone that I'm ordering online, it will be shipped to me, and I'll drive back to Ft. St. James to watch them put the headstone on my father's grave. This to me is the most significant thing I have done, besides all my sexy tattoos that are for significant moments in my life. this is a way to honour him like no one else! I wish I could remember him, I wish I could see his picture and remember everything..
I've survived specific kinds of abuse that have traumatized me in such a way that I cannot remember my past as much as I'd like. I don't remember who it was, but someone in my life had made me write everything I could remember out on paper, and now those papers are missing.. maybe it'd be helpful if I found them.
Anyway.. I'm being faced with some tough questions, and I bet you anything! my friend will think I'm crazy when she gets my text. I have been maybe losing my mind a little, maybe IDK! maybe it's because I don't understand some things sometimes? it doesn't make sense! It really doesn't! an maybe that's whats making things crazy for me.

I'm completely insane.. this crazy lady in my life! maybe because I know she's insane, and she's not allowing me to be set free from her.. but I just don't get what she gets outta being in my life? I give her a lot of texts, emails, snapchat, everything  but I strive for her attention just as much? maybe that's what it is? maybe I'm crazy? OMG! i'm losing my mind! and no matter how many people I put between us, it all always comes to the same result and therefore I need something to distract me! I need someone something anything to get me outta of this psycho mindset because this will never work! I need to be set free from these things and it's so hard I can't let go, but every time I try, it all comes back like a snow storm IDK! I've been trying so hard.. and I can't break free of this feeling and it's making me crazy :( at the same time maybe this is what's meant to be.. its rare I think anyway for me to feel this way and for it to be so insane. but maybe I've given too much power to it.. and even when I try break free it's grasps onto my soul, my heart and I'm pulled right back into it! like a gawd damn addiction it's making me crazy!
I don't know what to do!

I need to get away! I need time away from my phone! time away from work! time away from being needed!.. time to find my own centre, my own beauty again.. because I am great, I am accomplished I'm just about to throw it all away for someone.. who can't be in my life, who shouldn't be in my life.

I'm questioning every relationship I have with anyone! how do these connections happen, and how do I not feel this way about them than about this one? why is it so hard to shake this feeling :( I need help lol.I can't get past my feeling without distraction, without IDK.

I refuse to let myself say what I feel, and i let this anxiety grip me like a snake to prey, and then I lose my mind like right about now. where I have to ask my lady the most sacred question of why I would ask her why we're friends..and she's awesome! I love her! in the purest of love, the purest piece of my soul that can have complete an utter love, I love her she has been my greatest friend. and her answering that question makes a calmness come over me, like I know this is crazy! I am crazy and at the same time what I am doing about it all right now is important!
this is what I need! this is what i need to lose this grip between the two of us! because I need her gone! no I don't need her gone! but I need her to be distracted enough to avoid and not respond to me to make me feel like shit! so that I'm not feeling what I'm feeling and I can hopefully find my peace that can help me find my centre and keep moving forward! Need her and I to be friends, in a way of different greatness.. because there's something great about us, something beautiful in our hearts, or our heads, lol whatever it is.. it's great and that's why it's so hard to let go of that.

I'm grateful for all the amazing people in my life,.. an i'm grateful for this lady! I have never lied and been so honest all in one, and I've never felt the way I feel the way I feel it, and yet even though she's a straight woman, I feel what I feel and I know I hope it'll go away... I hope it'll go away because I know it has too. because if ever there came a time where something could happen I would not act on this thing at all! i couldn't I couldn't lose her from my life for something so small, so not important. I've seen what happens, I have felt what happens and I can't let that happen to us! does that make sense!

It's all good.. I am deciding right about now that I'm being insane, not seeing things clearly which I normally would.. But I think with this weekend coming up, everything doesn't make sense and I'm scared so instead of being scared about this weekend I'm allowing that feeling drift into this friendship with this lady who's crazy (not really) but she's making me crazy only because I value her, and see her doing way better than where she's currently at with her life. and maybe that's what I'm here for? to encourage her and push her to do better things.. or maybe I'm here to be miserable and weird and psycho lol... only time will tell!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD even when the skies look grey, cause the sun will shine in the morning! i'm not crazy hahah

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