Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Things aren't what they seem

Maybe I'm just crazy insane and the reality is that I have been through a lot, and so I guess in some ways I am stronger but in others I'm weaker, or more fragile. Someone can easily tip the balance of my greatness... an aklees heal or whatever that word is.
Today that was tested, and I'll tell you now... for the first time in a long time I was thinking of the end, thinking of the things that make what i'm going through easier. wanting so desperately to do something stupid because I was hurt.
I'm still trying to be ok with the fact that I am still standing,and my life is still what it was yesterday.
I guess as much as I'm cut out for this amazing life, in some ways I can see my talents wasting away, and for the first time I see my soul dying, things are so dark now a days. alls I want to do is get in my vehicle and drive, and maybe its time for that.. maybe I should go... away for a few days.
However Im also scared to be honest... scared because theres only one place I want to go.. and that's to my dad... it's been over 10 yrs since I showed up at my dads grave site... I guess it's time. But the best news on that note is my dad's mom (grandma) has given me permission to buy a headstone for my dad... from what i remember he only has a somewhat worn out cross.. it's been there for about 21 yrs. I'm grateful that she is allowing me to honour my father in this way.. I cannot describe how I feel about him, except that he was my hero and that should be enough for someone to recognize how much I loved him.
I guess I'm just sad today... it was terrible day, and going through it all alone.. Once upon a time about 3 or 4 years ago I had someone to talk too... But I'll tell you people deal with death in different ways, and I'll tell you i wanted my life to end, I pushed everyone that mattered to me away.. I closed all doors to people who were there for me... the only one that withstood my reign of terror of being completely broken was Robyn.. All these things I asked of her back than... I just wish I could honour her friendship, and her beauty and greatness as she has been a huge support in my life.
Anyway.. I don't have anyone today... And with the gossip and b.s of co-workers and staff and whoever else connected to that, there's always a fear it will get back to me.. so here I am being vague and expressing that today some bad memories uprose and I realized I'm a bit fragile.. and that I might have some more stuff I need to work on.
on a honest note a small part of me wishes I never came out of the dark places.. It was so much easier to be irresponsible, and easier to put a bottle in my hand, and a smoke in my mouth... rather than feeling what I feel right now, to be all tough and gangster because of the people I hung around. I see those same amazing people, still stuck in the life, and they come into my building... it breaks my heart and it reminds me why i need to be grateful I am where I am.. I just wish... I was more influential to those that are still in darkness.
Once upon time. In Ontario.. I was a bit ashamed at the colour of my skin, the history of my life. An one woman comes to mind, she approached me, got all up in my personal space and reached over with her hand to my chin, she said don't ever be ashamed, walk with grace, don't show them your fear when you look down. IDK I can't remember exactly but every time i catch myself looking down in some sort of shame, I hear her telling me to lift my head up. :) RIP my dear friend.

When can I have a break?


Anonymous said...

Your blog touched me. You are influential by example :)

Anonymous said...

word... it's all about "being the change I want to see in the world" and hope I could have enough influence for others to see it's about time for change!