I know it might sound insane... I might be losing my mind in this idea that movies and tv are reality, well the concept of how realistic these movies might be...
When I watched Smallville starting in 2001, it brought me hope... It made me believe that it's possible to make change, it's possible to change your destiny, and it's possible to become your own person, and to be able to believe in heroes, to believe that we can be a hero..
In 2004 I didn't get to watch "The L Word" but I watched this series about 5 yrs ago and that had me believe that it's possible to have a long lasting relationship, as well as friendship with people. It had me believe in connections, had me see the beauty of coming out as a lesbian, it definitely has been tough for some women that I know.. and I am grateful for my mother.. I have to say when I told her about myself.. she said "I already knew" she knew who I was before I did. But with watching the L word I realized I could be who I am, and I don't need the labels.. I don't need to dress like a girl all the time, and I don't want to dress like a boy and look like a boy. I want to create my own style, my own beauty the way I see the beauty in myself.
In 2010 I began watching "Rookie Blue" I honestly had hope that I'd one day be able to serve and protect, I strongly believe I was able to do this.. That there was so much opportunity for change, I watched Rookie Blue for all the 5 years it aired, I had people I know watching this masterpiece. This once again a reminder of the people in uniform who serve, and how grateful I am to have them (some) of them serving in my community. I wish that more officers would show a little more compassion, or leave their judgements at home. I still walk down DTES and see police and immediately think I've done something wrong.. so many of them come into my work, and in my work I am the all mighty powerful boss, and it seems well.. but as soon as I step out of my work.. I'm just another trouble maker, likely selling drugs, or running drugs, or selling my ass. the cops make me worry and I don't think that can change.. there's so much stain on their badges, and recently someone said to me not all police officers are bad..but really if they aren't ALL bad that what are the good ones doing to make change? it's a choice to allow another officer bully people, or make judgements, and if the good ones don't feel comfortable enforcing these values, or reporting it to their superiors then Vancouver has some serious issues with the police chief.
An than there was Orange Is the New Black, I watched this with connection of wanting to know each person story, because like so many people who are spending time in jail, they aren't just a number or another white, black, first nation person in jail. Each person has their story.
Than I was introduced to "Wentworth" 2013 I started watching it probably two years ago.. and I have always been in AWE! Of this amazing writing, each episode has caught me off guard, each time I'm just amazed! I'm so happy to watch it!
But today.. I can't say what happens as it's not out yet I'm sure. but I can my heart is broken, this is a great sadness that hits home for me.
To imagine the things that I am enduring right now, and all these paths that I'm on, and all this uncertainty. I'm in love.. I'm infatuated with two women in my life.. I can't deny what I feel for them, I just absolutely adore them both.. I doubt either feel anything for me, but I can't tell you what it's like just to see her face,and the warmth of her smile as she sees me.. maybe she's playing games, maybe she isn't interested, and like many say maybe she's just leading me on.. or maybe she doesn't know. But I feel for her more than ever, and yet even if she had a chance to come to me,she had a momentary lapse in her judgement.. I think I'm past being able to be with her, I'd rather keep her in my life as a friend, than lose her because she's uncertain. that's how amazing this woman is.
At the same time some of my staff believe that I continue with keeping people at a distance because I'm afraid of getting hurt.. I'm afraid of what someone would do to me.. I've been hurt as I'm sure many people have..It's hard for me to trust, and/or believe that someone would stay with me... cause like so many others I have my own baggage, my own issues that I haven't dealt with.. it's hard to deal with those issues when I have trust issues.. the one woman I trusted she left the field an it's unimaginable of ever trying to replace her.. so here I am.. writing my heart out.. because its broken, and it makes me worry..
Is it really true.. Can we not find happiness? I know so many woman, men, married people.. who have gone through marriage, cheating, divorce, or people who were together for years and broke up, its a traitorous situation to ever be in... I always like the idea of just dating.. because I'd never have to get close to anyone, but i look around at the world, and people keep telling me were are people who crave companionship, connection, sense of belonging.
I'm too scared for all of that right now...
Through the years of my TV shows, my movies... it's rarely ever seen that happily ever after happens, cause that only happens in Disney movies.. the reality of the world is nothing lasts forever. but if nothing lasts forever does that mean friendships too?
I've had friends who've been in my life for longer than seven years, but is that forever? according to google it is.. but what if it's not? what if it's true we will all die alone, broken, bruised and bleeding. what if this is it..
I'm losing my mind. and I know it.. I wish i could stop watching TV.. but I can't cause script and TV is more real to me than people in my life.. I can't do anything but live a very complex life and I've been so comfortable with this life. I don't think I have room for reality, or relationships and after today. I don't think I want to do it. I'm so afraid of losing that... I can't lose that because that would hurt me more than anything ever could, and with that kind/type of brokenness I couldn't survive that, I'm really sorry! I pretend I'm strong, I pretend that I can handle anything but this.. I could not, and I know exactly how I'd react.. I can't chance that..