Friday, March 5, 2010

tough stuff

Im processing as though things are going to get more difficult than they seem right now.. My main and only concern is that my uncle has ended up in the hospital and I am hoping to see him on Saturday I miss him tons and I need to tell him that every move I make in the future will be in remberance of him.. I will succeed in all I do in his honor... Is that bad that I'm thinking these things? But it's also something that is keeping me from making poor decisions, and preventing me from allowing myself to think of the decisions that might try destroy me as a person.
I have surrounded myself with a life that I know is going nowhere.. I continue to see the difficulties of my fellow people, the their struggle and their pain, the expression of that pain... I am clearly in an unsecure place in my life. I can't help but want to be around people who understand my situation and arae able to relate to me in this time of my life.

I can't communicate anything in a way.. so lets choose words that might help me.. I feel like if this actually comes through if my uncle is actually going away I want to be there, I want to see him, hold his hand and tell him I ain't going to screw up my life...
I feel sad that I feel this way...that it's burdening me so much that I love and miss my uncle so much it honestly makes me regret not being around in this past two years and not spending the proper amount of time with my uncle.. He has worked so hard and doing so many things, and he has always been someone I can count on, someone I love tremendously..

There is a lot going on in the city here... there seems to be a envelope of serious emotions that cannot be explained, everyone feeling something about someone who has passed away... and instead of reacting, instead of being cool with shit they are reacting and causing chaos and destroying themselves in addictions.. I hate to see this happening and hate to express my own things are causing chaos in my own life... too..
I have lost the fine line the seperates me from this life... I have lost the reasons I do what I do, i am who I am.

I have to make right choices.. I have too.. my life depends on the right choices and the right life.. I have too.. I know I'm human but I have to choose to live, choose to do the right thing and be the sensible person who knows lifes struggles... I have to be aware of whats going on for me.. and what I need to do to get through any and all circumstances going on in my life..

There is some fghts going on I gotta go... the chaos of our life right now

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