Friday, February 27, 2009

suffocating in this turmoil

It's been nearly three weeks since my whole life has seemed to shatter to million pieces. I recently was thinking yet again of the show I had watched years ago about trying to take care of ourselves holding our life in a glass, but we were not meant too because when we do it the glass shatters, then we are stuck with shattered glass in hand well it continues to eat away at our flesh...

wounded life..wounded heart... shattered dreams it seems to try and play in my mind.

I got my stitches out this last monday. not a pretty site it's actually really messed up and I can't believe what I've done. I feel like Im losing my mind, wishing that this was all a bad dream and that Im going to wake up and it'll all be a dream...a terrible nightmare...

I had gone to this place to try and seek some help but it was a place for things that I do not need. and I honestly wanted to break down and cry because I was scared that I would constantly be stuck in this place of wherever it is that I am... I dont know if it's guilt that drives me, shame or is this hurt..this freakin loss of the friends, the respect. the love. what have I done. Every time I lay down to sleep Im stuck in this place of hoping that my long sleeve shirt won't roll up becaues my baby will see my arms. and I haven't even figured out how to sit with them adn tell them what's happened. Im scared that like my'll come out later in life, while under the influence or even just they might react in something that should be the reaction to me.

i've thought more about moving to saskatchewan...thinking that maybe if I do this acting thing it might work out for me..but Im going to wait a bit longer because if I get the opportunity to become a police officer that's truly what I want to do. and so if I can even inspite of everything if there's a chance that could still happen then Im going to do that. but if not then my other option is theatre acting.
Actually at the moment we are wokring on a play...based on this one event of my life. it's me slitting my wrists. Im not sure how crazy that is an how much it'll hurt me to do this but I know that I need to do it. this to me would be the first step of letting go of the shame of my life... shame of letting people truly know that Im a cutter, and that I attempted to end my life.

The people that were involved in that evening are the people coming together to put together this play. and we have some extra people coming into it too..however the names of people will have changed because it'll save me the embarrassment or them the embarrassment of what was happening in my life. we will see how it goes... I just hope that it'll work out and that whatever emotions come out for me in this play, that I'll find the way to productively get rid of them without doing something foolish.

Now.... I want to say this maybe I have...but I realized now that there is something deeper in me fighting to live... after this incident I've not cut...Im honestly at times afraid to look at a razor because it's what I used and it's an everyday use... so moments everyday I get lost and think of what happened, or what I might think of doing. but Im trying my best to get past it...

However there is one more thing.. I met a lady...a special lady meaning she's a wonderful person and a good friend... well last night I had realized...that my fear is that I dont want what happened to happen again, and it's hard for me to get close to women now because those rumors were a root of what made me cut myself, what made me want to die... It really was foolish but I was embarrassed and now with this lady... Im thinking of taking some steps back.. it must be a terrible idea because it's awesome to have her in my life, someone to laugh with and talk too.. but Im also thinking of the situation thats already happened..
It's almost like...any new person that comes into my a target for rumors to be spread that Im dating them. its real sad. and I know I shouldn't let them affect me, but it does becaues it hurts you know? rumors spread that I like a woman, or rumors that are spread about the questions of my friendships with women.

Then if you hear me talk of the man in my life...the guy that I love, and have loved for at least three much I cherish and adore him...and miss him like crazy..people are dumbfounded like what's going on...and it's frustrating because I wish that I could talk about him more because he makes me glow. he makes me remember the great days of my life.

there's a book Im reading..its a little intense. but one time of his life he calls it "the great saddness" for the time this man was in my life..the moments of great love and great everything I would call that time in my life "the great love" lol

Anyhow i guess that's all for now... I just wanted to check in with my bloggers and just express myself because it helps me find perspective and helps me see what I need to do.


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