I believe it was last night that I started to become angry.... I couldn't really put my finger on what it was that was causing me to become angry. Then today as I search through different things I realize what it was...
It's something that makes me cringe, makes me feel helpless, hopeless, makes me feel like Im in a box. makes me feel like the biggest messed up person to have walked this earth. I realize what it is. it's a situation that I had gotten myself into almost a year ago. something that I should not have walked into...but yet something Im glad I did you know? I mean to be there to share my life with someone else...to be great and share myself with someone else and have it be a positive thing is totally well worth it... However... when the life that I lived back then well a year ago..and changing to what I am now... and then seeing my changes in my life...but seeing this person I tried to help still continuing on with that life...
It's like my heart is being ripped outta me every single time i am forced to see the wounds. the guts. the pain in the eyes of someone I once loved. I had recently sat with a friend of mine reading over a note that I had written this person...and the great detail. the great love that I had talked about....it was so crazy. I was so clouded and so stupid. and yet so there...in that place. and now I look at it and think what the world was I thinking.....how could I be so aarrrrrrrrggggghh!
It's painful for me...and recently in a counselling session some eye brows were raised when speaking about certain things and the great frustration that came outta me when asked about things I did not want to discuss..or anything... I was angry. i was frustrated. and I was at the end of my rope with people who do those things to me.
I mean it's not to say that i regret...the relationship. I do in the sense that I realize that I was to be the friend and nothing more then that. and it ended up further then that and we had our great times but I realize now that it was a dumb situation to get myself into and regret that part of it.
thats why Im angry. is because it's like...i dont know.
I want this person outta my life..gone...gone..totally just non existant in my life. but not only are we still in touch Im the one person they turn too in times of trouble....knowing...and I mean this real greatly KNOWING that I'll be there. But I can't imagine myself not being there you know? I mean it goes against who I am...
There have been many things I'd prefer not to have done and instead I did them. and then ended up loving it...or even then I just have never really been someone to say no to people who ask for help...however I've changed that slightly to the point that now I only help people who are looking for change you know?
Im helping out a friend who wants to change at the moment...Im helping her out of many things, and whether it's painting a room, or just talking...the idea is that she is looking for change and tasting the changes...and yearning for change...and I would be more then happy to help her as a friend to change her life...whatever way I can...even it means to just be happy and share my happiest moments with her, my encouraging moments with her...it's what I do.
However with this situation I realize..with this EX that I realize that this person is not willing to change and the more and more I'm forced to see how it's going...and realize this is not the place I want to be...I hate that too becaues I really seen a lot of potentinal in them...but like lots of people say can't force things on people...and I definetly am not in that kind of business what so ever. so I guess the only thing I can do is send my love and thoughts but otherwise I have to let it all go...and that's whats bugging me!
I just need to figure out how to lose that part of my life you know? things I siad.. things I had done. the person I was...i have to let it all go...the person they made me feel I wanted to be...all those things I need to let them go... and hope that they can let me go too because it's just like they every so often dangle a carrot and instead of avoiding it Im tempted by it... not sure if that makes any sense...
But I found the root of this type of anger that I've been having the last few days and I really just wanted to write it all out because Im told it's healthy..
I dont feel better...but I am looking to the future and the steps I need to take to be safe for me, to be courageous for no one other then myself!