Thursday, February 12, 2009

thankful for what you've got

I can't remember where I was with the last time I wrote. This time around there is a lot more to say with every situation thats happened in my life..its embarrassing and painful to talk about but this is where I talk about it most because it helps me see things clearly.

Almost a week ago.....Well actually lets start with December. When I had done that workshop I had met a woman. an amazing woman that I have come to admire and love having in my life. now since December I've helped her through many obstacles in her life. I have been the shoulder to cry on, the friend to laugh with. I have been an amazing she has been to me....
Now on numerous times we have had some very upsetting comments from her friends/ my friends everyone had thought we were together as a couple...

At first it didn't really bother me I didn't give two cents about what other people had said about my relationship with this woman. however then one night she had asked me to help her paint her place, and I invited along a friend...well this friend ended up drinking and said something at the end of the night that totally embarrassed me and made me feel low in life. I tried to brush it off but it didn't work out. not even two days later someone else had said something similiar about the relationship I had with this woman. it had really bothered me....I ended up drinking that same night and trying to fight off what was being said about my relationship with this woman. I didn't realize how much I had had to drink. and honestly I haven't been drinking I haven't been drinking regularly. I just decided it was not going to be a part of my new year. but then this night had happened. well I ended up blacking out with the amount of alcohol I had in my system and when I came out of my black out I was in a ambulance with my wrists slit. I know that Ihad done it and it was my fault. but the reasons for doing it, or when I did it was all unknown.

So for this past week...I have been recovering from that night. I had told my friend the lady that's in my life..the whole thing I was apparently talking to her on the phone. anyhow it had bothered me with this entire situation. and I ended up really messing things up for myself. I didn't realize the results of what I had done. but my relationship with everyone in my life has been damaged.
I have been lectured. hated. and I have been cared for by some amazing people. anyhow

It bothers me that I had done that...that in some form in my mind that I would be so selfish and stupid. I have been in a dark place most of this week with everything that's going on and I've cut myself off from friends because I could not stand to know the pain I had caused all those that love me. Im not sure what the reason for my cutting was. I guess I had in my subconscious had been hurt by all these horrible people making these comments about my relationship with this woman.

Its hard to live with this now because I had wounded myself horribly and I have damaged my relationships with many people...these are friends that have stuck around through all of this but I have been too ashamed to be around people. To be try and laugh when really my whole body wants to break down and cry because it hurts so bad that I have scarred myself so bad. The only family members that know about this is my brother, my mother, and my cousin. I have not told anyone. my close friends. my boss.. How do i explain such a sad time in my life?

It scares me to be around people now....because its hard enough for me to be reminded of the things I had done..let alone be around people who love me.....I think Im at a place in my life where I cannot recieve their love...Im ashamed of the things I've done and the pain I've caused others...alot of people are worried about me.....

I've been working everyday this week working tonight...and when I get's like all the shit goes out the doorr....all the emotiions all the pain....everything...its a job regardless..I mean you dont go to work with this emotional turmoil..this baggage. this trash...leave it at the instead of winning about it I just do my what I have to what Im asked to and I leave..

but then..

When Im alone Im trying to figure out what it was....I know the alcohol didn't help but I actually have not been drinking because I know it's not good for me..Im not sure why I went out that night. but I did.
I have to go to counselling and some other forms of help some programs for people like me. and I need to start dealing with why I am cutting. or why I feel that crying is so weak... I dont know but I know I need some more maybe this was my cry for help because I know this is what I need to do..and for a while I thought I had it all under control and then a night like this happens and I realize everything is certainly falling all apart and I could not be more upset about the choices I had made.

Im scared of talking to my friends. Im scared of recieving the love they have for me...Im in a place where Im pushing everyone away becaues Im scared...>I scared myself more then I ever could have in my entire life.I've never done something like this I scared myself.. and I just dont even know anymore...

Im scared. Im ashamed.

My birthday is coming up in like four days....and for the first time in years....the one thing is Im going to be thankful for my life....regardless of all the bulshit I've dealt with the fact is I survived this and I could not be happier about living because I could've been gone...
So for the first time Im thankful for my life


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