Wednesday, February 18, 2009

right steps

It's been I think twelve days since my whole life was thrown to the ground..since I was so stupid and making some really really poor decisions... I finished writing one of my stories finally it took me about a month to do...Im not sure how I like it but I kinda going to see how it goes for now becaues I might change it...

Another week and I get my stitches removed.. however even then there's some thoughts going on in my mind...and I thought I'd take the time to write about it.... You know..I know a woman. an amazing woman she's in Ontario. I was in the program with her.and she is someone that I really considered my friend. this last trip I went to Ontario and spent some time with her and I could not even describe to you how great it was to see her. she's on my mind because she's had some struggles in her life. she's got the scars to prove it..I was wondering how long it took for her to feel comfortable with herself to be able to display wear a t-shirt, or something. caues you know since this incident for me I've been wearing long sleeves...
Im not even sure where to begin to share this situation with my younger brothers and sisters. I mean my older brother and my mom and cousin know..but the other three are all under 15yrs old and I dont even know where to begin to try and explain to them what I had done.

I can only hope for some answers...because I am constantly in my own mind trying to figure out how this all did I do this? what was it that triggered me? why in the world was I thinking of ending my life? was it the rumors? because that's something so small...was it the embarrassment? I dont even know and I'll never know you know...that doesn'tmake any sense and I know this but I dont know how to find out what it was that caused me to do that...or what I was thinking or doing..or when it happened..why..there's someone in my life who's going to be looking for some answers and I dont have the answers....

I realize now..what I didn't want to's true when we put people through these traumatic events we start to see what friends they are...I dont blame them for leaving..if I was in thier shoes I'd leave too..because we all have to be around encouraging people and yes I was encouraging but I fell from that...and I need more help then anyone can offer. I mean really... however at the same time..I met someone....a amazing shining star...someone that i cherished because...I've been through a lot of horrible things like many others, but to see this woman conquer these things the way she has, to have been there to encourage her, help her. it was a huge thing for me...and now that its hurts... I realized this woman in my life had engraved her name on my heart because she is truly a courageous woman, a woman of great love and encouragement..someone I really would've loved having in my life..but then I made a deciison that changed all that...because I became whatever it was..and now I have scars. I have wounds....but I will never forget that season in my life because it took a lot of courage for her to even bare with me through that troublesome time...and now that it's gone...its scary...but I hope to see great things happen in her life..

now ....

as for me...well Im not sure where to begin with everything.. now that TSF is over, and my birthday is over...I have to start looking at myself...looking at any feelings I had, or even just try and I mean with every inch of me try and figure out what happened that night and what changes I need to make..I mean I've made some changes..but emotional wise there is definetly a lot to work on..

Ive been feeling the effects from that night everyday of my life...I have the stitches in my arm and still feel the pain of that night....Im not sure I can truly recover from a night like had shattered me and those that I love...and I regret it more then anything else. but who knows I mean many many people are telling me that maybe one day someone will come to me with the same issue and I could help them... becaues one day I'll be day I'll be more confident more real and more emoitonal..I'll be the person I was created to be..and I'll fulfill all that I have been called to do.

Either way...this is going to be an off case the woman from that night would ever read this..
I want you to know that the impact you had on my life was tremendous. the joy and life you brought into mine..was extraordinary. Ive never met someone that has been as strong as you.. that has survived through the things you survived through for that time in your life. I know there's no apologies here but you have no idea how ashamed I am for what's happened. I want you to know that you were the best friend I could ever have. I had seen a lot of opportunity for the future for you. I know that lots of shit will get in the way but that you are someone that will persevere because I see now as I seen from the beginning you are a survivor.
As for me Im sorry that I shattered your heart...that I brought you into that night. I find it difficult for me to look at myself... and know what I've done...I can only hope that as I've said that somehow someway I'll learn from this and one day help someone with this kind of mess.
I hope for all the best for you. and your wonderful life. I hope that you meet people who are encouraging and inspiring. people to just be a solid friend... You have a lot to offer this world...and I see that! I believe in you! Your victorious!! Lots of love...bye


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