sufficating

It's been two weeks. I might get my stitches out today Im not sure have to see how it goes.

I keep trying to relive the moments in my life where I have made those mistakes..those regrets. Im scared to remember but I know it's the only place I feel I can start getting some answers. Im constantly emotional...and ashamed...filled with guilt. I realized something tonight as i was talking about it some perspective came to me...THis is the time in my life where I'm kept at a safe distance because apparently I dont know what I want, therefore don't know what kind of friends I want in my life. I feel like it's a mistake and I feel like Im losing my mind well alone with my thoughts. but at the same time maybe I'll forgive myself for what I've done.

I feel like if I sat in a room constantly not only would I be safe but I might just go crazy you know? everyday Im hoping yearning wanting someone to call just to say hi...but realizing now the reason for lack of that is because Ive put myself in this guilt and so if I were to be happy at some point I'd regret it because Im not someone the deserves that happiness..becaues of the people I've hurt...the people...the people...that I've let down. the people that I've shattered and I dont even know where to go from here.

As April approaches...Im becoming afraid of applying for school because Im scared that I wont get in...I mean seriously I feel like Im really messed up adn feel like I should be locked up somewhere becaues I feel like Im not really seeing anything...everyday the world passes by. Im scared to go to the sea wall, scared to see the beauty that was created because if I enjoy it well then this guilt in me, this me will shoot me down for looking because I should be where I am, but I know thats wrong. but I dont want to reach out to any of my friends. Im not ready to show my face. Im not ready to show anything....

Im losing my mind though...The agnozing pain from my heart is aching bleeding...but my arm is hurtin more then ever and Im not sure why. I had speculation that there was infection but it looks okay but Im not a doctor but I'll find out soon enough....

I can't right anymore...but I feel like this is all I'll be now because of what I've done. and those friends those amazing influences..are taking a safe distance because I've really shattered a lot of lives...shattered my own confidence, my pride. Im filled with shame and guilt and I need to get help and it's starting...slow slow start but Im doing everything I can to figure it out.