Wednesday, March 4, 2009

getting through it

A lot has happened in a nearly a week. I must say how things have changed with my looks on life, the looks of my scars.
A friend of mine suggested that I not tell my brothers and sisters about what's happened in my life, because they are all too young...However all that comes to my mind is what if they notice? the long sleeves? the everything to do with hiding my arms.

Im not sure how I feel about that but I guess for right now it's the right place of not telling what's happened.

I went out Saturday night. had the best nights of my life....I hung out with greatest woman in the world because she brought something to me. You know I've always seen myself encouraging and inspiring others greatly regardless of the story I tell..but Saturday night..this woman encouraged me and really..honestly she knew me short while. This was our second time meeting each other. and yet it was like we knew each other for the longest time. I could not describe to you how great that was. yet how terrifed feeling it is...or can be when sharing things that I've not even talked to many people.

Since Saturday however. I've had new perspective. new zeal. I was really and truly encouraged by this woman. more so encouraged that I gave her something that I was going to give the police officer that was with me the night of the incident. i was encouraged and touched and inspired that I gave it to her because she had truly been a real great girl. I was totally all about the greatness...
Again since then. I got sick..came down with a sore throat and felt like I was getting sick. so I started resting I missed my theatre class because I figured if I needed to get better, I need to cut some things out... was really happy to hear that people missed me at the class.. was really glad to hear that.

Yesterday I heard from this place that Im applying for a program with them. Im looking forward to the meet and hope that they can help me in some way.. so that I can try get back on my feet with work, and experience an all that.

I was invited to go along with some friends to Seattle. I had thought it'd be awesome..then I got sick and couldn't work to pay any of the bills of two days ago I called my friend and told her I was not able to go... I figured if I was sick, and tried to work I'd probably be sick all my time in Seattle... so I decided it was not a good idea. however yesterday I was looking for my income tax forms and my mom came across a cheque!!! It was an old cheque from my old job and I couldn't believe we had found it. I cashed it and now Im going to Seattle so it seems that Im supposed to be outta town this weekend. Im not really sure what we will be doing in Seattle but believe me when I say Im going to have lots of fun because I'll be with some amazing people!

As for emotions...well that's a funny thing. I just finished reading a friend Anita sent me for my birthday.. "the shack" I must say how awesome it was to read it! I felt like I could hardly put it down. I ended up reading it for this last week and finished it today. and one thing that stuck to crying.... Im not sure why....but it's real difficult for me to cry and I actually fight back tears, and that leads to the build up which leads to my cutting...but reading this book and hearing the different things of crying, and it's healing for us...I kinda of thought and wondered what it is for me that makes me not cry? I mean why am I so afraid to cry? I would think it's the vulnerable state of my mind because it's not me to ever be vulnerable. it takes a lot and I mean a lot for me to cry. but reading that book made me wonder why in the world it's a big deal for me to cry.

im going to be working on another story...hopefully this month. find the time to start writing. Im not sure what its going to be....I just know that after reading this book, and the events in my life I feel like I really would like to write some stuff down. and I have some very big ideas about this story so Im going to write it and then post it to see the feedback of my story...

I dont really have anything more to say.

I am in a place where i feel content and thinking of the future events. and the things that will be done in the looking forward to living and loving living.

good night

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