It's been a very interesting couple weeks...a constant desire to write about but I had not found the time or desire or words to describe the last couple weeks of my life...
I feel like I've been going through all this pain that has become so painful...I mean everything is alright and good and then when those bridges fall apart it's like the whole world is about to end, and all's I want to do is die because the pain is too much...
my mom went away camping...and my friend watched the kids..that was dreadful and when my mother returned I left to Victoria with my girlfriend...we had a great time and everything seemed awesome.... but that's not the way the story goes much it seems...
I tried to quit drinking because my brother needs some help and Im trying my best to stand beside him with not drinking...but sometimes...I mean sometimes I just want to lose my temper or something and I just want to drink so I've slipped up a few times...it's not been a good experience for anyone that I drink with...
All this stuff that Im not sharing with anyone comes up when Im drinking and it's horrible because it makes me really upset and really losing my mind..I mean the one night I even called my counselor but I dont remember anything about that...or anything but that was a couple weeks ago...
Apparently Im ruining peoples lives...do you know how painful that is to hear? I mean its painful enough to be dealing with my own life and the lives of those in my family...but to also have to deal with this situation...I just wish things could be just a little tiny bit easier then what they are now.. most of the time I find myself wanting to cry my heart out and just I dont even know...
instead however..i get messed up and start cutting...it was about a month or more since I had cut last and then some things I thought of or just little things triggered me and i cut myself.. fairly deep too... I felt so much better doing it but I knew the consequences of doing it... my cousin and girlfriend both were upset with me... but when I told them why i had done it...it was a different story...
I've never been this way before...but I feel pretty broken up about everything and anything..all these things in my life are triggering some painful things...and some people are helping encourage my pain...
the person I did not wnat to become has come...
my friend Rachael was here from L.A. for a layover she was heading to England and I seen her... and it was so hard...mainly because she talked about God...and as you've heard..i have not followed him or acknowledged him as part of my life... when I talk about Ontario I dont talk about those great times in my life..those times of seein God's amazing work... I dont know why I do that...but it's just too hard for me..
I think I need to just leave now...I am needing to go an cry..I just recieved some painful news that I cannot handle..and my younger sister is awake and the last thing I need is for her to see me crying...
if you ever looking for someone to ruin your life...here I am!
night
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