I dont even know where to begin what to say or how to begin saying what I mean....
I went to court...to hear some bulshit that really tore me in two...I went home and tried to cut out my heart...not extremely bad...but I was like... so many people are screwing with my heart, breaking me, tearing me..I might as well try and just get it done with... I mean.. I got messed up on drugs and stuff...not illegal ones..but my pills... and I did it... I wanted to die...
It honestly pisses me right off that I have to do this...that I have to be this way..that I would have NO ONE there for me and end up screwing up myself... I freakin hate what I've become, what I've done...am doing, have done..or desire to do...
he is getting off this thing....nothing terrible will happen to him...and it's the end of the world. no one will do anything..he is free to go...free to roam this dreadful earth loving freedom...drinking doing whatever he does and IM just like what the hell...
here I am suffering the pain....this stupid pain of not being here for them...of not helping when I was needed...and you think Im not going to be angry...more so at myself for not being here... then again if I was here...what would I have done? what shuold I have done..what would someone to do with this kind of situation...
People giving me props for being stupid...for drinking..for messing up my life..and becoming something other then real....
This new facade of me screwing up my life....no longer any goals...no longer any desire to move on to live...
Im that messed up...its not just about this court..it's about what's happened in my life since I moved back...everything has changed.. I have become this slave....this slave to pain...to death.. to hurt...to despair...
people call me when life fucks them over...people call me when they want to hurt people.. people come to me when they want me to do something about it....and so I constantly am burdened with the thoughts, feelings and desires of other people...trying my best to help others survive because death is knocking at their door...calling them...wantin them gone... and then we have me...
this person who has taken on all this pain..all this burden...all this garbage...and then I say I want to die..I say I want to run..I want to hide...and there isn't nothing... all these people bring me to this place..of despair...this place...this hole....I scream and scream and ask anyone who will listen to save me from this...
just for one day....one fucking day...
have no one call me to ask me to save them...have my brothers and sisters do their chores without being asked...to not have people call me at odd hours asking me to save them.. Im not a saviour... I can't save people..I can't heal people...I cant do anything for anyone.... and yet... so many damn people are expecting me to do it...they expect me to save them...how in the world am I going to save them?
Im drowning in my world of pain...Im drowning in my world of pain......Im falling to pieces.. one slice at a time...new scars..new wounds...new desires for pain... and I dont even know if it is possible to recover from this....
LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST that's what everyone says to me...they tell me to keep looking up...keeping looking up to survive all this.... and yet....
there is no end...no end to this pain...and im losing my mind...everyday... i cut..everyday I hurt.. and every damn day I hear from someone whoeever it might be that they need me...and I race out my door ready for something terrible....
last night I drank alot...more then I wanted too and should have...and I talked to the cops and I told them..that I was messed up....and that there are people out to get me... because there are people looking for me and yet Im still surviving..I said Im ready to die...Im ready to go... because I hate everything that I've done..am doing...and everything I've become...
why can't I stop being a saviour...why can't I just say no...why can't I just enjoy my life?
because sadly enough I was not created to do that...
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