stay away

have you ever tried that? tried everything in your power to stay away from the things the mess up your life?
I moved to Ontario to get away from all that was holding me back from my life.. those things that tormented me, those things that really just messed up my mind, those things that really just were a bad experience for me.
however like all things...it can never always just end that way...instead of staying away from them I came right back to them...

I returned to Vancouver...to become older...and still messed up with all those addictions..all those everything... I wonder what my father would think of me now? what anyone thinks of me now that I cannot even stand on my own two feet...I can't avoid the things that tortured me are the things I've returned too...

I stayed up really late lastnight thinking about it...how my life has become this broken record of continous events that are tormenting me...then i find no way out and end up screwing everything over...all the good that was in my life is shredded to pieces...all the bad things are like a liquid of events an overflow of a river or something....I really am good at messing up my life... im really terrible at trying to make everything alright...

I was talking to some of my co-workers lastnight...and I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth...they must of thought I was so stupid.... because I left to get away from all this damage all these scars..all this pain...and instead of returning a brand new strong woman.. Im fallen back into the life that really just messed me up....
on top of that I heard some news that really hit me to the heart...my brother told me some news he had thought he had already told me...and when I heard it...I felt like dying.. i felt like I had failed at being here...I failed at being the sister or father I was supposed to be... instead of helping my brother through stuff...I just ran off and tried to deal with all these things to realize I'll never be free of these things..so why try and fight it while in Ontario?

the description I love using...
Have you ever seen a snake attack on it's prey?
it's pretty intense... first... the snake takes a jolt at it's prey and then the snake wraps itself around it's prey...and squeezes all the life out of the prey...

when I was in good life messing up my life in the beginning...like when I felt guilty for the choices I was making...
that's how I felt... all this darkness...all this temptations...the drinking, the women, the partying, the cutting, the hitting, the hurting... everything...that's not good in my life... at times...it sucks the breath out of me...sometimes I get so low in life that I wish I could just die...

however...regardless of wanting to get rid of all this bad stuff in my life... or wanting to give up.. i can't..no matter what I do, no matter what happens I can't... I will fight to want to go but a part of me...the one part of me that holds deep in my spirit...crying out...fights for me..to live.. fights for me to see hope in the mist of darkness... there is no shutting that voice up no matter what.. and it's there..it reminds me of my brothers adn sisters, it reminds me of myself..or it reminds me of my destiny..what I hope to become someday in the future... what i hope and desire to do with my life....

things are not getting easier in my life... and im not even sure what to think of anything and everything....

have you ever just thought about...someone you wish you hadn't met?
I think of that sometimes...there are just some people in my life...that bring more pain the goodness in my life..some people who expect me to be their saviour..some people who just make me do everything to make them survive...to be there on the phone as they rant and scream at me for their mistakes....
there are people in my life that I wish I could say I hate you! I mean.. I have enough stuff to deal with at home...that I just like... I can't deal with your stuff too..I can't save you..I can't help you. yes I said I'd be here if you needed me but I can't help you...i can only be here...but at the same time..they have made it so that im the only damn person they can come too..and then I have to sit there listenning to all this garbage...and all this stuff..no solutions because i got my own stuff going on and I dont have time too be there for them you know?
i dont know...im just starting to get tired of people depending on me...its frustrating because i have my own stuff to go through, my own stuff to deal with..I mean you don't even understand how many people come to me..how many people run to me for help...i could say no and even if they know me too well that I'd still be here..and they would just come...and cry to me as if I can snap my fingers and make everything fine...

IM NOT A SAVIOUR! IM NOT SUPERMAN! IM FREAKIN HUMAN~! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE!!!