all destroyed

Things are pretty great..lol if only it were that way and that were all true...
My brother ended up drinking lastnight so I sat with him and helped him drink his bottle because I didn't want him drinkingi it.. so I helped him with it.. I did not want too drink but I also did not want him to drink it...

my life has fallen to pieces..but I guess when has it not fallen apart you know? I made some decisions and fell in love... I realize now that...it's not all that great to be the way that I am. All this time thinking that I loved my life..thinking that I loved my work my friends...now realizing that it's all been a fake ideal of what should be... I ended up dealing with my one friend who got messed up on drugs and I took care of him..I was angry.. but concerned as well.. It's not fun when I have friends who do those sorts of things...it actually really destroys me.. not a lot of things can do that...but when I have friends who make those decisions then I get really upset..

on canada day...everything fell apart..apart from having the love of mine with me.. I was with people that ruined everything for me and I got sad.. but man alive... to be with someone you love.. it's an amazing feeling... sometimes I find myself...just looking at them.. with this constant satisfaction of love...knowing that I am loved by them..and that I love them too.. it's an amazing feeling and yet... at the same time..I lose it all too... I mean.. I can't explain this thing.. but I love it..and I just am completely destroyed when it comes to my love.. my love can really mess me up you know? I find myself falling apart in their arms... just being in their presence brings a great satisfaction to my life... when Im with my love...I no longer think of all these terrible things that are going on in my life...all's I think about is how amazing my love is...and how Im going to just be so in love...

Other then my great love...

my family is alright..I guess Im strongly considering moving in with my uncle because he needs my help..the only problem i have with that is that he lives so far away...but I also want to help him with everything that I got...and if this is it then this is it... I don't want too believe me I don't but I also love my uncle too much to let him have to deal with these things...maybe I'll try it out sometime in august..
family is good I guess...I don't see them all that much..I mean I was so excited for them to be out of school...just to find out that Im busy with my life..my friends..my work that I have had no time to see them and it's sad..it makes me real sad not to see them...but I know I'll see them eventually..and I try my best to see them in the days..

my friend Rachael came to vancouver like last weekend...I seen her for a bit but I did not see her much.. I had a hard time being out with her because I knew that she seen and heard my heart of not really or not at all following God.. she asked me why and I did not know what to say... I mean I honestly just see things that I didn't see before you know? and even then I just Im not enjoying my life...but things are good in my life..I have a job, a love, and my family... what else could I ask for?

I probably already said this...but I had this thing...about a week ago... some things triggered my desire to cut..and I did it... it had been over a month or so since I had cut and this cut was deeper then anything I've ever felt..or seen. I could not believe I did it...but I felt like...like my attitude would not change until I did it, and when I did...my attitude was back to normal..as if everything was great and couldn't be better...my love checked before I had done it, my love always is concerned about that but I also tell my love that I would not do it...but I did not tell my love about what had happened at work, or what happened a couple weeks earlier..and how everything just became so overwhelming..all these hidden secrets..all this pain that I have not shared with anyone..it all finally came out that night..I turned to my cousin and I told him everything and he was upset with the world..but I told him that i'll be alright..that I did what I had to do...

anyhow..i gotta stop talking about that

my uncle visited us today..I miss him so much and I can't wait to go and see him.. I was glad to see him today..,I woke up early to see him but I did not get to shower or anything..I had to wake up all the other kids..

but I miss him..I love him to pieces and Im glad that he's around...I love my uncles alot.. and I hope that I can go see my uncle the next time my other uncle goes to see him... I really miss seeing him...

everyone is up now..I gotta go

later