missing you

I think i've put myself in this mode of just missing everything....missing everything....

I love my job don't get me wrong but it's become something that's taking away from all that I love. I haven't really seen any of my brothers and sisters...Im working nights and sleeping days. I haven't gotten anything done that I had planned....Im sad about that because I miss that life.. however at the same time it's also helping me get away from things that are ruining my life you know? I mean since I been working I don't drink as much and if i do it's very little... I mean I don't have time or desire to do stuff like that anymore...

at the same time it's taking me away from the ones I love...the people I want to see, the people i need in my life...
I dont know what's wrong with me..I can't sleep....constantly thinking of someone...wanting to talk to someone...wanting to be somewhere other then where I am... however I know that this would never work...I would never work...
I thought about it...and this person doesn't even know me....I feel like I've become a person with a mask, a wall....not showing who I really am because I know the person I am and it's nothing pretty....I can be vicious and I can be really just a terrible person when it comes to some things... yet at the same time this person has helped me change...but Im not sure if it's a good way.. I mean it is good but it's been different....

every night....every night Im not with them...Im dying with thoughts of them...dying with my life of joy and just fullfillment..I mean before them...I was able to just think of my family and be here for my family...and now I spend at least three days a week away from home...I can't even imagine my life without them...but that's not good...

I like....that when Im with them...my life is lighter..it's not so difficult...the world of family situations, father responsibilites...and just my life....is just completely different... Im not the person that I am when Im with my family... I like that person...Im not able to fall apart but im better person with them...
I miss that...I miss being able to be that person...rather then the person I am when im with my family....Im not able to fall apart with my family...and if I do my body takes the pain...because I dont feel that I can fall apart...I can't lose my mind, and I can't say that Im failing..I can't say that I want to die...I can't say that Im sad...because here..it's different...I mean here...with my family...I carry the load...I carry the load and burden of each of my family members situations.. and if not that Im missing the important things in life...Im missing the games, the times alone... no more movie nights, scene it games, and hide and seek games....no more bed slides... and that's just too hard to think of being here...
I mean I love my job...I do...I really love making money and doing what I do...however I want to find the balance of being home with my famliy...and being at work....being home and not demanding the house gets cleaned...I just want to be home and just hang out with my family.. not getting mad....mad at the dishes not being done, the garbage not being taken out....or just random stuff...all this responsibility..I just want to sit...and laugh...to enjoy who I am when Im with my family...

I hope to take them out this Saturday...I wanted the ladies to come out with me but i think that I need to spending time with them...quality time with them...because I've missed them.. sometimes when bil-lee is sleeping..I just wish that I could wake her up and tell her how mcuh I love her.. I mean do you know what it's come down too?????? it's come down to me writing letters and notes to them really late at night because I can't sleep..and when I do I sleep for so long that I miss seeing them...and when they come home from school Im heading off to work.
Maybe I can make Saturday our day you know? the day that I spend with them... regardless of my friends going out, the parties and the everything...and just be home and watching movies.. making bed slides..and going to soccer games....that's what I want to do...because i know these are the important moments in life that I need to be there with them...

do you know how much I love them though? not my family members..but the other people in my life? wanting to be there when their lives get tough, or wanting to hold them when life has become overwhelming..wanting to be there when the tears start streaming down their face... wanting to just lay there...protecting them..being there for them.... laughing....until we cry... screaming until we lose our voice..singing...or just chillin and watching TV...laughing about random stuff...thinking of random stuff that makes us laugh.... i miss her... I miss her alot... and I can't sleep because I want to be there with her...just be there...but I can't...I have to be where I am..and I have to figure this all out...
I honestly need to runaway...I really need too...

I really need to spend my 5 bills and just take a plane...take a train...and just go... hide.. clear my head...be alone...
I mean at NLGH...I had the docks...well the bayside...just sitting on a rock..a log..and just looking out into the water...no noises of cars...or people...just complete quietness...a place of comfort and a place where I can think....and hear myself and hear my heart....hear what I need to be doing... I have not found a place of rest like that...anywhere here...but I guess it's because Im in the city...
however..I found something like it...but it's right by the street...it's at Stanley park... my dad used to take me there when I was a kid...I went there the day Lee-Anne's dad died...and I could not believe I did not remember my father taking me there...I miss him alot...and I wish that I could remember those times with him..I wish that I could be with him..
Father's day is coming up..I just realized it....maybe that's what all these emotions are..maybe that's what it is...I dont know....

I wish that I could go...and sit at my father's grave...and just sit there...missing him..talking to him... I hate father's day..I hate any day that recognizes family situations...because I never feel like I have a family..I mean I do but I don't have my dad... my daddy... it hurts..it hurts like crazy...

we celebrated my brothers birthday...and I took my brother aside an told him I wrote a letter to our dad...telling our dad how proud of randy I was..... that same evening...my brother told me he had done cocaine in the past... I never felt so much like a failure...so much like the worst person to ever walk to earth...I could not help my brother..I could not be here for him...
I thought if I went to Ontario..that I would find myself..find my strengths...and work on myself.. but I didn't...I fell apart in Ontario...in Oshawa..in Whitby... I did not find myself..i hurt myself.. i wanted to kill myself...because leaving...seemed like the stupidest thing ever...but then when I say that..it's not true...becaues NLGH was the best experience I could ever have..... it helped me so much..it helped me learn about myself..it helped me see people...the love that they had..not a false love..but God's love...a love so real...man alive....

I remember Angela...Mary...Tammy...all of them...the love they had for me...for anyone and everyone... they are amazing people... and I always have a difficult time talking to them because I know that as much as I have a job and everything..im still as broken as I was...maybe not but that's how I feel... I want to fall apart...I want to fall apart...I want to just fall apart..but I have no one there for me...to fall apart with..I mean I've not allowed myself to trust anyone that much.. and if I did..they take it the wrong way...and it's a terrible situation for me....I've lost all my friends...and Im feeling like Im losing all the hope in me...
im getting really down in my life right now...and it's not getting easier...im just trying to make it through...as much as I can...without dying anymore then I already have....

I miss you......I miss you...and I miss you...

night