Tough Love

 This concept used to work for me.. I used to be able to stand strong on this idea but I guess like anyone I have weaknesses.. and my weakness is a long time friend that i care about passionately lol. I have had this person in my life for like ten years, been through good and bad, and everything in between. 

I feel like an idiot that I totally didn't even stand like a rock to their request, but I can't... with everything going on in the world. there's so much bulshit in the world, so many bad things that happen in the streets, it's unbelievable and so I can't help but help, the only cost it is to me.... is feeling like an idiot because I'm told I'm enabling them and their behavior which really sucked to hear...

because ALL of my life with anyone else in my life it's been "tough love" I wouldn't help, wouldn't think to help, and I wouldn't even be considered as someone that would be asked to help because most of those close to me know I wouldn't, adn here I was going against all things that are me, adn what I've built myself on and just folded.

I'll eventually get it together I guess. 

I currently feel like garbage, because when I responded to this I feel like it messed with me in some way, which is lame

but maybe I was already feeling this way, I just let those emotions come to light etc, so I guess that's life. 

today I realized.. what I've missed, and what I hadn't seen before. adn what kind of person I'm likely looked at as, and i realize IDK if it's worth it, I've doubted it for so long, and denied it for even longer that here I stand with this stuff adn things, and I realize... yeah maybe F the world, but reality is this messes with me as a person, messes with my image as a person, and whomever I'm meant to be.

I have always had doubts those are real real solid shit that I cannot deny, but how can it even be worth it. I don't understand Im just struggling... 

I wish I could write what is real but I'm worried about who reads this adn therefore I won't say what's super real..

just hope for the best I guess

Finding myself

 I guess I had my wake up call... in different forms of reminders... I don't know how someone can get in such a dark space and not even see the light, or what destructive thing I was doing to myself. I literally wasn't hurting anyone but myself. 

I had daily reminders to live, to laugh to love etc whatever corny thing... someone out there made sure I wasn't seeing nothing or feeling nothing. im struggling with everything. and I am struggling with purpose. its hard to even speak on the things that have happened last year, or the complete abandonment that i feel about everything regarding everything that happened, how I desperately want to change everything about myself just to no longer associate with what or where I came from. 

anyway thats a process that I am facing on my own. I don't know.. but I guess in all my stories of my entries of this place.. I've made it pretty clear that I've always been about family, adn I guess now.. my family is a lot smaller, and as much as that might sound great, it is also very lonely. because I'm hurt a lot not being able to turn to those I should have been able to trust in every part of myself, people who knew me from baby to now, or whatever to whatever. 

Anyway... im struggling without my family, without their love, support or whatever. 

I have to find a new love, and appreciation for family in different ways, and I believe that's possible, but I also believe that you can never trust anyone full heartedly that isn't my actual family. 
I'm in love with someone.. ugh damn am I ever. and I want that person to be my family. I want to hold onto this idea in my head that this could be my family,but I can't its far too soon for that.
But believe me a part of me wants to, yearns to trust them whole heartedly but I'm hesitate and I know and feel it. but its because of the history of all things family and friends, I've been let down so often, I've been hurt so often, I've believed in BS facades of people, and I have also played games, and had games played on me. believe the love thing isn't new for me, but this type of love is new for me. 

so it's a slow process I'm working toward. and I hope to figure out soon because I absolutely want to be able to trust someone, to be able to let someone else in, but like all things.. it's a process and in the short of time I've known them, it hasn't been long enough for me to be an open book. I know that it takes awhile, but I'm trying.. believe me when I say I'm asbolutely trying in ways I never did before, adn I hope that that can speak it's own volumes of my love and devotion. 

I won't lie.. I'm still struggling with urges, I'm still wanting to go back to what was me, and what I see so easily I can get back into.. but I'm trying.. trying to go back to calling/asking for help..

One bs day at a time I'll get there. and can only hope for the best, and hope to be able to enjoy this love forever.. believe me what I would do to enjoy this love forever. I hope they feel the same way because its been beautiful in our good days, it's been absolulety beautifull.. I can hardly describe it in the fullest extent of how great our beautiful days have been. and how I wallow in those moments that have taken my breath away. I want to live there forever, but yes a daily choice to keep moving forward with this person.. 

I'm slowly coming back to life, slowly coming back to the person I've always been, and i feel like everyone can see that, because I can definetly feel it..

and that' is why I keep moving forward. 

My beast of burden

 I'm feeling so small.. there is so much not being said, so much uncertainty.. I'm feeling the weight of everything, and also realizing how busted up I am, not just about the little things, literally everything. 

I'm trying... I'm trying to not give into all the things that made me who I was.. but I'm also feeling lost because I love so deeply, so fully it actually hurts me.. I cannot describe how much of a failure I have felt like.

and people say I've made it this far etx etx. but that's not what I mean. I mean in the sense I probably set a bar high, and I had expectation to make it somewhere, be someone. and instead this is who i am. so much has happened that changed everything I am doing in my life and believe the adjustment of that is a process. I have been reaching out making sure I'm connected, making sure I talk to other people about all that is similar, I'm trying beyond all that I am to not fail at anything..

I wrote recently about love.. is it normal to love someone? is it normal to be in love? is it normal to be fucking terrified of it? I'm gonna guarantee at my age, I have loved and lost, and loved and loved, and loved and been rejected. I only learned to love not that long ago, and i only knew about unconditional love in a different way, I believed in that BS one and only, or that together till death do us part. and I don't want to believe in that anymore. I don't think we can grow old as one, or whatever the freakin words are. But I believe that like that blurb I read.. fuk in my old age I'm forgetting what it was about. 

hopefully someone knows what I'm talking about

so this person comes around shattered broken pieces of their heart, as if we all walk around showing that shit to everyone. and this one person has all these broken pieces, where as another has the most perfect heart, and another has one tiny piece of their heart missing. when the person with piece missing asks the wholeheartedly for a piece of course response is no, they don't want to ruin that perfection, but when they approach the person who's got a shattered broken heart, the person doesn't even question giving it up, and when asked why they do this so freely, the response is idk. I guess that's life.. ???> 
so the person who has the best perfect heart may never know about compassion, giving or receiving other peoples love.
whereas the person who's shattered, broken pieces of their heart is out for all, and they have no problem helping out others..
believe me I'm sure when we've loved and lost, we'd love to not have given pieces of ourselves to others, and have those people carry that with them/

but we live in a world where we desire, yearn, and want that connection with someone. not just in best friends sense, or family sense, but the intimate vulnerable sense. to bear all and say here I am take me or leave me. 

I don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm just scared.. scared to put my heart out there, as I have said it's never gone very well. but at the same time, today when they said they loved me before I loved them. I was astonished, surprised, and felt the warm fuzzy feeling, because it's super great but super scary. how can they love me so easily and so openly without any concern. I don't understand.. is this a joke? am I being tested? how can someone ever feel that way for me so damn fast.. I know I know we knew each other before that, honestly for me it wasn't that fast, because look at me now I'm still scared of ever admitting it, and to even let it all in.

I've put up all my defense mechanisms I'm waiting for the beg to drop? the foot to drop? waiting for the truth to be revealed that it's lie... I'm scared to hear if it's not.. I'm scared what does this mean. I don't know I guess for someone with my unresolved history I'll have to figure out. I've already reached out for supports, and I'm trying to not be me..

but now that I've opened a door like the one that is opened... Im finding it harder to not be the person I don't wanna be, because a part of me wants that but doesn't. I don't know what this means for the future I just know that I love/hate myself and I'm trying to work on that.. which will take time during a time like this.. but believe me i don't want to lose what I have, but I also wonder Idk.. how could this be true.. how can this be real.. am I really living or is this a dream. but also ugh so much... IDK...I'm struggling, and a part of me needs to talk about it, but the other part.. IDK>... its normal to feel afraid of being vulnerable I guess... 

Believe me as human person I am I desire, yearn and want.. I love the feelings on the good days, but on others I don't even know how they can even look at me with that love, and other days I want to drown in that love... I don't know where the happy medium is.. and I don't know what type of love I demand, or want to feel you know? I just know what or where we are at is not enough, and a part of me wants to jump in asking for more, but other part of me wants to hide.. I don't know...I love so much but Im so scared the cost of loving that much will cost me more than I'd like to give... what does it cost them to love me? how can I be better for them to feel better about loving me? how can I bring more joy and happiness to their lives so they feel wholeheartedly knowing that life is worth living? even though I don't feel like I feel that way, I also want them to feel that you know? does that make sense? 

I just need to get somewhere..for something. I need something IDK WHat to do...........

Say Something

 Ive been listening to this song on repeat.. its my go to song right now, I even downloaded the song in different versions but the one Im listening to now is my favorite. 

in case no one knows Im losing my mind in every way humanly possible. I don't know what to do besides to write because it doesn't help me anymore to write, but I no longer have the same supports in my life that I can call random people and those random people answer. 

Ive been struggling a lot lately.. I feel like more than I have since 2009. I wish I could explain but the traumatic events that I have endured in the last month have been worse then anything.. because the reality is that I can't show you the bruises, you can't physically see them, but I can physically touch them, and damn do they ever hurt, the hardest one is on my chest. so any emotion response other then "meh" I can feel my muscles doing something, and then I start to have a hard time breathing because it hurts that much. a friend of mine said they had smoked weed and went on a bad trip that they didnt know how to breathe, and thats how I feel every time my chest hurts, and more emotion that erupts the more painful, do you know how hard it is to maintain one  "meh" emotion.. especially with all the uncertainty Im dealing with in my life. 

Im struggling everyday.. worse and worse. I am falling.. or jumping back into old ways that I regret. and I am being consumed by the feelings that envelope in those habits. believe me in some ways I am sure I have a good life, but in some ways like any person in the world I struggle. and more so now than I ever have before. I may have friends, and supports in my life.. but none compare to my lady. there is literally nothing special about her, except that I love her, and that even with one look, one I love you, it calms the storm in my heart and soul. I miss her, and I wish that in all my supports of being able to call on any of them I wish I could call on her. because I loved her that much, as matter of fact IM going to email her and tell her to send me a voice clip ahahha.. maybe it will help. 

regardless the struggle is real.. for the first time well no... I've always had anxiety but for some odd reason it's come up a lot more frequently, a friend of mine has said it's probably with all the trauma I've endured in the last month, the hardest thing people say to do is easy.. is to breath.... didnt I just say that all my emotions get heightened and then I have a hard time breathing, and your telling me to take deep breathes, it's like someone is messing with me. some others have recommended drugs, and some have no opinion whatsoever. so I am navigating all of this, and hoping that one day soon I'll have help and support from a professional. 

I don't know if I've said this but I'm in a relationship.. first one in a long ass time, because I have a kid.. like any single mother, we sit and contemplate what is right for our children, when, where, who, how someone is introduced into our lives and that of our children. I tried to work this all out, and tried to make it so it went smoothly, and it had.. my kid warms up fairly well to my partner. but like anything.. any new relationship has to endure life, and our own personal struggles, as well as one another, as well as helping and supporting one another. Im struggling, and as I write that my chest is starting to hurt, because I am struggling all on my own, and now Im struggling to what? open up about my struggling to someone I love.. I mean I have friends but some of these friends have been in my life for over 7 yrs, we are past everything and I guess I build up a wall guarding my heart. I want to take that wall down and I feel like sometimes I do but the response isn't always what I expect or want or need, and or I feel like Im doing something wrong, or I don't deserve this love, devotion or whatever. Im told thats generational trauma that we've all dealt with in our lies from our own childhood stuff, or the generational curse.  regardless the constant nagging in my brain telling me that I am not good enough, I am not worthy of love, and that of all things I don't even know what love is to be able to experience it, or share it. 

Im struggling with this, and being able to work through an enjoy that love, if that is what it is. and to enjoy the person that is giving me that love. its a lot to take in, its a lot to take on, and its hard to trust it. I think a lot of times in my life I have been burned by love, that I have been burned by others that it just hurts too much, like just being beaten so many times; Im overally cautious and terrified so Im super slow, but I guess whenever I get there, that love for me will be eternal because I love without limits, expectations and even though people hurt me I cant help but continue to love, and believe that people were meant more than this. 
I just wish I was a bit different, that I could show her the writing on the wall that is my heart, to show her a map to say this is how we get there, but its not somewhere I can get within a short period of time, with patience and with desire I can slowly get us there if they are willing to take the journey with me... 

IDK>>>>>LOSING MY MIND""<<<<<< \

I wish I could say... but all that comes up is Applesauce Penguin

one day... the spell will wear off and I'll be able to write what is real for me... until then applesauce penguin

Learning to Grow

 I guess I'll start with how terrible its been in only a few days. Im not sure if I wrote about the first car accident I had in my entire life, and how it happened just last month. It was pretty significantly painful, who knew bruised muscles was a thing. 

regardless just as I am dealing with this, I ended up being hit by another vehicle. and all's I did was break down, I mean seriously I just went through this, it all just got finalized and completed. I just got my car back, and there I go again, someone hit me from the side but this time was driver side and alls I keep thinking is why am I always the one who gets hurt the most. lol I feel like Im just so fragile, 

and now I have to consider actual help from physio and message therapist, as well as consider if I can keep working because I was already struggling and it just throws my world into chaos. it feels like a long road to recovery yet agian, and its hard for me to be patient with my body because Im so used to being up and moving, and I cant imagine not doing anything because when I think of that, then I start getting anxious because I dont do well on my own, and I don't do well not having purpose everydya. 

Its hard that I am about to talk about this other stuff, but I also recently wrote about being compeltely messed up about being with someone, and all these mixed feelings, and I guess we worked through them, but it made me realize that I have some places I obviously have to grow, and have to work on. I don't want to screw things up, I also don't want to move too fast, I dont mind where I am now, but there are times I wish I could do more than just sit here sending the good vibes, thoughts and love, etc. but during times like now I guess it's all I can do. 

its hard because a part of me wants to be the same psycho I've always been in most of my relationships but this is one of those where you know you've met someone who could change everything and I just don't want to screw it up. so I am ttrying my best to be present, adn available when they need me, but also letting them have their space even though I've repeatedly said I'd love to be someone who can sit there on the side of the road to where they are just to have 5 mins with them rather then not seeing them, that's pretty lame. but when I think about it I just want them to be able to know how far Im willing to go to be there for them. 

I don't know what I am doing and when the right time to do anything is the right thing, i kind of play it as it comes, but its so hard to guage where we are at, and to try find the words to say that need to be said. there are a lot of moments for me that I reacted weirdly, or ended up in a weird funk and usually has nothing to do with them, it's my own trauma? my own bs. I have stuff to work on for myself as well and trying to let someone in that is super difficult. I dont know why it's so hard but likely because that is vulnerable, and it's not that i don't trust them, but that the depth of me is far more vulnerable then a shattered almost shattered glass, I have just put myself together and trying to mend all those pieces, im scared and thats normal... most of my friends and those closest to me never got there in blink of an eye it was something that I tested, adn I hate that I do that, but it's who I am I guess and I don't know how to get out of where I've always been!

Im on the road to healing in all aspects of my life, and Im in love with this person....I hope if anything I can be someone that they can rely on as I hope to rely on them.

night