find the words

 So as I've said for a long time now I've been going through some stuff Im not really sure I guess for the last month now I've been contemplating, searching, listening? believing? I dont know what the word is. I have been in this place... I just cannot begin to tell you how it feels to be falling down so often, how much harder it is to get back up. Once upon a time I was somebody, once I was the king... and it was like I was dethroned. and I dont know how to survive in this place without the essentials needed in life. I mean I am sure it's possible but its hard. 

Its hard because once I was somebody and now I feel like I am a no body. 

I have to find my groove and find my footing, but just when I think I've got it figured something happens... and in the last month so much has felt it has gone wrong..

lets start with the latest thing.. I was in a car accident.. my car isn't totalled but I dont know for sure. I feel completely totalled if that's allowed to be said. the pain the aches that I am feeling, if only it were visible on my body. I am beyond lucky I didn't crash into a wall. I spun out of control and somehow by some miracle I was able to find my way through my first actual crash.

and yet here I am first crash. and I am required to have these essential things in life like a credit card. I am totally gonna work on that so I don't go through this again but I have to say living in a world that money is this required it's unbelievable. 

and then on top of all these fun PAInful things.. I've met someone.. 

to even begin to imagine what that is like for me... man alive you'd have to read my posts from forever ago. 
it's one of the most beautiful things to have someone in my life but it's also terrifying... because of what? because I've been in a place of brokenness for so long? because I am someone who does not deserve the love and devotion of another? I tried to list all the reasons I didn't deserve a love like this and yet in all that there were hardly words to describe it. because that's life...
Life is meant to be  the way it is. 

Just like anyone else... I guess one way or another we all deserve love? to accept something like that I can hardly explain it.. and yet here we are.. 
then to find the words of the reasons why I love... reasons how I love? or my bs love language damn I hardly know the answer to these questions. shouldn't someone at my age have these answers.> and then it goes to because I don't have the answers does that mean its not what I Think it is? and then we go down the road of unworthy of it all.

then I start going crazy. trying to sabotage what is good in my life because it's easier to sabotage or find reasons why I don't deserve it all then it is to accept it and send that love back.

we have the BS one month anniversary coming up.. so I had a plan of how to celebrate that but it will be cheesy, and corny and thankfully they are good with all that. however how far does that road go? because I won't be able to do that always. I just like the idea of doing as they see fit which is the public display of devotion or love? i don't know. 

I hope it goes well but my issue for real is what to say.. how do you find the words to say I love you, I am grateful for you? and I hope to spend the rest of my days in your arms? like to say that whole thing in such a cheesy way? will those words be enough and if not what is more? 

I am so consumed by love with this person.. I find myself completely terrified of losing it.. and knowing how they feel, and not knowing if what i feel what they feel, they feel what I feel? and then I go down an endless black hole of unknown.. and then doubt sets in etx/

is that normal... adn then I message my friends who are all single! ahahha so then I join a group online to get advice and the advice isn't very good and then Im back to what I feel and then we go through the unknown all over agin... 

did you get as lost as I just did typing that... how do you know? you watch all these cheesy love stories of a love they have found and how expressive they are.. but if you met me youd know that way of love is impossible for me.. and that I don't know what to do... I spend more days trying to screw it all up