the struggle

I have no idea what to write. Where to begin. As I lie here in bed... my mind is racing. So much has happened. Or is happening. My heart feels heavy. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel desire. I feel yearning. I've been through a very difficult beginning of the year. 

I cant help but feel like all this is because I had chosen to be happy.

Honestly.... 

My bs story is this... when I was a kid... it was on one beautiful blue sky day I was at school. For some reason it was the perfect day at school. we played my favorite game in gym time. But that afternoon I ended up with a tummy ache just before end of day so I was in the nurse stn. 

When I finally finished school and walked home. For some reason I remember one moment.   Where on my walk home I looked up to the beautiful blue sky 

By the time I got home...

All hell was there.

As soon as I opened the door to my house. Alls I heard was screaming and wailing. When I went into the living room found my mom on the phone with my older sister gripping my mom leg sobbing on the floor. 

My mom got off the phone.    An said to me that my dad had died.

I immediately ran out the back door. With my cousin chasing me..

We climbed the school roof. And I cried.

But from that bs time onward I feel like I have avoided things like happiness. Now I'm sure at one way or another there were moments of happiness. But I avoided it.

Now I know in some ways there's no way all that is connected to happiness  but it stuck with me..

Was a couple weeks ago or less. 

I finally admitted to the world...  that I felt happy. I was content to being happy. Being in love with my partner. An being happy or content with my life. .

And then everything fell apart. 

I got side swiped off the road by another car. My mom broke her shoulder. I'm off work. And on top of it.... my mom daughter has repeatedly tried to get my kid taken away from me.  

Do you know how painful that is. To believe that someone believes so fully that I'm incapable of caring for my kid. The kid that I left my favorite and best job. Left my housing. Swallowed my pride and had a go fund Me csuse I was so broke. The list goes on and on.

But these pieces of garbage believe what that my kid is better off.  An has take the steps to help ensure I'm gonna get screwed over. 

And my partner. My partner is in the hospital. I can't speak to them cant see them. Can't hold them. Alls I get is to sit around waiting for phone call. 

They have so much uncertainty in their voice about everything.makes me terrified that maybe they are giving up on me. 

Not that we have been together for that long. But when you know you know. 

And the depth of that love is like no other. 

A love I've never felt before. And maybe it's only me. Idk..

I'm struggling to stay strong 

I mean before yes I was struggling with all these things but its just getting worse. An I'm getting scared. I don't know how to avoid losing that love. But I guess it is what it is.. 

All I can do is keep working at it. And keep reminding them that I love them. And I'm going nowhere unless they are going with me. 

Fuck I love her so much I can hardly stand it......

Please give me strength to keep moving forward