But today I went for a drive to get away. I had a plan but it fell through. So I went for a drive I went to places that were part of my journey of breakthrough. I dont know if those places change. I get it but they will always have meaning to me. Just as much as living well being born and raised in this city. There are shitty parts of it there as well.
But there are not as many beautiful places that I have. But the ones I do. I went there today. Sort of expecting crowds of people especially cause it's the ocean. An if your from here you never worry about rain it's part of the city lol.
Regardless I sat there by the ocean. Thinking about where I've come from.. recently I read a few random posts from my earlier days on here. An I can see it.
I cannot even describe how much I appreciate where I am now.
I'm not grateful to be alive. I feel like I should have been granted a death like I tried a few times.
An no matter what i did... people. No wait. Love was always there to guide me away.
It's hard to imagine I ever was that person. I was so without.... without love. Without hope. Without value. Just saying that out loud how can anyone want to come out of that you know
An I realize the people in my life showed me love. Some not so great love. But some love that is as deep as the ocean. I cannot even begin to describe that love. It was so beautiful. It made me feel value. It made me feel anything but worthless.
An I mean it's not like I raised a hated child by my parents but I was raised without the knowledge of what love was.
So when you taste it. Or feel it. You want it. Yearn it. Desire it. An do anything to get it.
An I feel like that's who I was.
I yearned for that feeling of love. An I had only found it in different ways.
The deepest love I've found is with my lady whom I've written about here a few times.
I love her love. I love her acceptance of me an her strength to help carry me through my own darkness
It makes me think now.. how did I ever get so lucky to find someone like that..
But now years have gone by an that love hasn't faded or faltered. But it makes me curious...
How did she do that ?
Because In all honesty I want to love someone that way. I want to love them so they feel like it's worth it.
Maybe not even just that one person.
It makes me remember who I was when I was in Ontario. The vision that I'm expected to become a beacon or something to lift my people up.
How can I love that deep without ever knowing love?
Even as I write this I have a kid. Maybe not my biological son but my son no less an he loves me. He loves me so much. An that is Beautiful he knows that I love him I tell him always.
But how did I ever get so lucky to be a person who has love.. has enough love to give that to others especially never actually having it
I feel like I'm losing my mind.. I just cannot describe how great an weird it is to be someone who can love. Without ever knowing love.
I just want to be someone that people can trust. People can rely on. I want to be her first call. Her first thought.
I am feeling so love. That I'm feeling so afraid of losing it and trying to figure out how to keep that.
I just want to do better. Be better. An to be someone the world or even my son can see there is love here. He will not grow up the way I did but I'll give him limitations. I made the mistake of free reign for my sisters. An they are spoiled lol
Learned my lesson
Regardless... I'm grateful to my lady grateful for the love..
All I have is to keep moving forward
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