the times are rough

 You know recently a friend of mine basically questioned everything I've done in my life, basically causing me to reevaluate every decision I had made. 

I can't express enough about how much of a failure I have felt like lately.  Once upon a time I can write that over and over.. there have only been a handful of times where I wish I could share the truth and how amazing it felt, and how powerful, empowered I had felt in those times. 

however I cant write it because I don't want to be that real. I'll say the times are rough because I needed to be mended. I need to feel loved. I need to know that all the BS I've been standing for hasn't been for nothing. more and more as the days press on I begin to question what I've done in life, an why I have made these choices. 

I wish I could explain how difficult it has been to not speak on these truths that I'm dealing with, and how I've been coping. or lack of coping. I miss the good ole days I can pick up the phone and call my best friend and she just sits there listening, advising, or sharing her experiences or something. now I pick up the phone and I;m lucky if the person answers.. we live in a world where people prefer to text, email, or do the online blog 

Im feeling defeated.. I don't know I wrote about the incident that happened a few months back, and or the people I've met since then. I know assholes will say don't live in the past, don't let that shit consume you, but if you understood me as a person, then you'd see that I Have to grieve this way, I have to work through this on my own. and I can't have people sitting there denying how I feel, or saying it's wrong. I have to figure that out for myself, because now what they have created is a fear or sharing my stuff because they have rejected my feelings or sharing so often that I just rather say nothing. 

as times have been rough it just feels like it keeps getting worse. there are few moments where I think oh wow maybe it's finally letting up, maybe I'm finally gonna feel better even if it's for a second... and as soon as that half a second passes, the world comes crashing down, and I'm reminded what it costs for me to be happy..and I go back to where I was. 

people all around me repeatedly say I am the one whos going to destroy what I have now, and i honestly believe them, as I sit here questioning everyhing, where I sit here doubting everything... being reminded what I haven't done enough to prove myself? or am I just really not that worthy of what I have now. and maybe I need to matters into my own hands and sabotage it all because yes I'll feel badly for awhile, because I don't really want too, but at the same time... I can't keep this up. Im an idiot for feeling anything, and for wanting it all, and thinking what I can bear it all? knowing I probably cant and shouldnt, cause if it was meant to be me, then it would have been me, and seeing as it's not is further proof that I am not.

I don't know how to get up form it all, I don't know how to survive this, I don't know how to get out of my own head, and to just let this be the way things are, because this is not enough. this is bs garbage, and of all things i deserve more.. and maybe I deserve more and that this should have been that. and the fact that it's not makes me disappointed but maybe we both know this, maybe we both see it, and both just forcing ourselves to be put in this position for no reason other then to silently keep hurting each other?

I ask for more, or to be affirmed of this bs. and instead I get rejected, and/or let down, and then I sit here wondering what I had done wrong... an realize maybe they dont want and yet they won't let me go, so where do I go from here because Im losing my mind, and it's breaking me down... 

maybe it's all in my head, but if someone knew this is who I was being, on the regular as sadly it's never changed because IM that crazy all on my own, then i should have had that reassurance. and the fact that I don't it makes me believe that there's something else going on here, and I don't like that feeling and its killing me to have to believe this is the truth that Im being placed in this BS position. and it is killing me truly killing me. 

the struggle

I have no idea what to write. Where to begin. As I lie here in bed... my mind is racing. So much has happened. Or is happening. My heart feels heavy. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel desire. I feel yearning. I've been through a very difficult beginning of the year. 

I cant help but feel like all this is because I had chosen to be happy.

Honestly.... 

My bs story is this... when I was a kid... it was on one beautiful blue sky day I was at school. For some reason it was the perfect day at school. we played my favorite game in gym time. But that afternoon I ended up with a tummy ache just before end of day so I was in the nurse stn. 

When I finally finished school and walked home. For some reason I remember one moment.   Where on my walk home I looked up to the beautiful blue sky 

By the time I got home...

All hell was there.

As soon as I opened the door to my house. Alls I heard was screaming and wailing. When I went into the living room found my mom on the phone with my older sister gripping my mom leg sobbing on the floor. 

My mom got off the phone.    An said to me that my dad had died.

I immediately ran out the back door. With my cousin chasing me..

We climbed the school roof. And I cried.

But from that bs time onward I feel like I have avoided things like happiness. Now I'm sure at one way or another there were moments of happiness. But I avoided it.

Now I know in some ways there's no way all that is connected to happiness  but it stuck with me..

Was a couple weeks ago or less. 

I finally admitted to the world...  that I felt happy. I was content to being happy. Being in love with my partner. An being happy or content with my life. .

And then everything fell apart. 

I got side swiped off the road by another car. My mom broke her shoulder. I'm off work. And on top of it.... my mom daughter has repeatedly tried to get my kid taken away from me.  

Do you know how painful that is. To believe that someone believes so fully that I'm incapable of caring for my kid. The kid that I left my favorite and best job. Left my housing. Swallowed my pride and had a go fund Me csuse I was so broke. The list goes on and on.

But these pieces of garbage believe what that my kid is better off.  An has take the steps to help ensure I'm gonna get screwed over. 

And my partner. My partner is in the hospital. I can't speak to them cant see them. Can't hold them. Alls I get is to sit around waiting for phone call. 

They have so much uncertainty in their voice about everything.makes me terrified that maybe they are giving up on me. 

Not that we have been together for that long. But when you know you know. 

And the depth of that love is like no other. 

A love I've never felt before. And maybe it's only me. Idk..

I'm struggling to stay strong 

I mean before yes I was struggling with all these things but its just getting worse. An I'm getting scared. I don't know how to avoid losing that love. But I guess it is what it is.. 

All I can do is keep working at it. And keep reminding them that I love them. And I'm going nowhere unless they are going with me. 

Fuck I love her so much I can hardly stand it......

Please give me strength to keep moving forward 

find hope

It's funny because usually during any time you can find them wandering the streets. Or at the beach or in the mountains.

But today I went for a drive to get away. I had a plan but it fell through. So I went for a drive I went to places that were part of my journey of breakthrough. I dont know if those places change. I get it but they will always have meaning to me. Just as much as living well being born and raised in this city. There are shitty parts of it there as well. 

But there are not as many beautiful places that I have. But the ones I do. I went there today. Sort of expecting crowds of people especially cause it's the ocean. An if your from here you never worry about rain it's part of the city lol. 

Regardless I sat there by the ocean. Thinking about where I've come from..  recently I read a few random posts from my earlier days on here. An I can see it.  

I cannot even describe how much I appreciate where I am now.

I'm not grateful to be alive. I feel like I should have been granted a death like I tried a few times.

An no matter what i did... people.  No wait.   Love was always there to guide me away.

It's hard to imagine I ever was that person. I was so without.... without love. Without hope. Without value. Just saying that out loud how can anyone want to come out of that you know

An I realize the people in my life showed me love. Some not so great love. But some love that is as deep as the ocean. I cannot even begin to describe that love. It was so beautiful. It made me feel value. It made me feel anything but worthless.

An I mean it's not like I raised a hated child by my parents but I was raised without the knowledge of what love was. 

So when you taste it. Or feel it. You want it. Yearn it. Desire it. An do anything to get it. 

An I feel like that's who I was. 

I yearned for that feeling of love. An I had only found it in different ways. 

The deepest love I've found is with my lady whom I've written about here a few times.

I love her love. I love her acceptance of me an her strength to help carry me through my own darkness 

It makes me think now..   how did I ever get so lucky to find someone like that..

But now years have gone by an that love hasn't faded or faltered. But it makes me curious...

How did she do that ?

Because In all honesty I want to love someone that way. I want to love them so they feel like it's worth it.

Maybe not even just that one person.

It makes me remember who I was when I was in Ontario. The vision that I'm expected to become a beacon or something to lift my people up.

How can I love that deep without ever knowing love?

Even as I write this I have a kid. Maybe not my biological son but my son no less an he loves me. He loves me so much. An that is Beautiful he knows that I love him I tell him always.

But how did I ever get so lucky to be a person who has love.. has enough love to give that to others especially never actually having it

I feel like I'm losing my mind.. I just cannot describe how great an weird it is to be someone who can love. Without ever knowing love.

I just want to be someone that people can trust. People can rely on. I want to be her first call. Her first thought.

I am feeling so love. That I'm feeling so afraid of losing it and trying to figure out how to keep that. 

I just want to do better. Be better.   An to be someone the world or even my son can see there is love here. He will not grow up the way I did but I'll give him limitations. I made the mistake of free reign for my sisters. An they are spoiled lol

Learned my lesson

Regardless... I'm grateful to my lady grateful for the love..

All I have is to keep moving forward

find the words

 So as I've said for a long time now I've been going through some stuff Im not really sure I guess for the last month now I've been contemplating, searching, listening? believing? I dont know what the word is. I have been in this place... I just cannot begin to tell you how it feels to be falling down so often, how much harder it is to get back up. Once upon a time I was somebody, once I was the king... and it was like I was dethroned. and I dont know how to survive in this place without the essentials needed in life. I mean I am sure it's possible but its hard. 

Its hard because once I was somebody and now I feel like I am a no body. 

I have to find my groove and find my footing, but just when I think I've got it figured something happens... and in the last month so much has felt it has gone wrong..

lets start with the latest thing.. I was in a car accident.. my car isn't totalled but I dont know for sure. I feel completely totalled if that's allowed to be said. the pain the aches that I am feeling, if only it were visible on my body. I am beyond lucky I didn't crash into a wall. I spun out of control and somehow by some miracle I was able to find my way through my first actual crash.

and yet here I am first crash. and I am required to have these essential things in life like a credit card. I am totally gonna work on that so I don't go through this again but I have to say living in a world that money is this required it's unbelievable. 

and then on top of all these fun PAInful things.. I've met someone.. 

to even begin to imagine what that is like for me... man alive you'd have to read my posts from forever ago. 
it's one of the most beautiful things to have someone in my life but it's also terrifying... because of what? because I've been in a place of brokenness for so long? because I am someone who does not deserve the love and devotion of another? I tried to list all the reasons I didn't deserve a love like this and yet in all that there were hardly words to describe it. because that's life...
Life is meant to be  the way it is. 

Just like anyone else... I guess one way or another we all deserve love? to accept something like that I can hardly explain it.. and yet here we are.. 
then to find the words of the reasons why I love... reasons how I love? or my bs love language damn I hardly know the answer to these questions. shouldn't someone at my age have these answers.> and then it goes to because I don't have the answers does that mean its not what I Think it is? and then we go down the road of unworthy of it all.

then I start going crazy. trying to sabotage what is good in my life because it's easier to sabotage or find reasons why I don't deserve it all then it is to accept it and send that love back.

we have the BS one month anniversary coming up.. so I had a plan of how to celebrate that but it will be cheesy, and corny and thankfully they are good with all that. however how far does that road go? because I won't be able to do that always. I just like the idea of doing as they see fit which is the public display of devotion or love? i don't know. 

I hope it goes well but my issue for real is what to say.. how do you find the words to say I love you, I am grateful for you? and I hope to spend the rest of my days in your arms? like to say that whole thing in such a cheesy way? will those words be enough and if not what is more? 

I am so consumed by love with this person.. I find myself completely terrified of losing it.. and knowing how they feel, and not knowing if what i feel what they feel, they feel what I feel? and then I go down an endless black hole of unknown.. and then doubt sets in etx/

is that normal... adn then I message my friends who are all single! ahahha so then I join a group online to get advice and the advice isn't very good and then Im back to what I feel and then we go through the unknown all over agin... 

did you get as lost as I just did typing that... how do you know? you watch all these cheesy love stories of a love they have found and how expressive they are.. but if you met me youd know that way of love is impossible for me.. and that I don't know what to do... I spend more days trying to screw it all up

new crash. new year

I'm struggling..... approx 5 days ago I got into a car crash. It' sucks about how much I need to bring it up.  But it hurt. It wasn't a good situation for me. I just feel so crappy it happened. I had my kid an my best friend in the car. The crash wasn't my fault as far as i know but the fact that it happened was hard enough 

I've spent the new year not making new years resolutions. I dont do that shit. But I wanted to now... I think so much worse could have happened in that crash. An it replays in my head. It happens.. move on. But my body is the thing that is hurts... my body hasn't fully healed from the things that happened. 

On top of which.... I'm still in a relationship. Being in a relationship is great but also not great. I feel like as a regular person I'm normal with normal feelings etc. But with someone. I feel like I'm insecure, afraid, worried. Etc

Before we met idk I didn't see her the way I do now. I only knew of her. 

Sometimes I feel like those are the best love stories. When you don't see someone in that way till later on.  It was approx 6 months before I recognized her as someone that I could love or be loved by. 

It was a suprr funny story that I'd love to share someday. 

However today as I'm writing. I'm starting to feel all my fears creep in.  

I'm worried about why. How. Where. When. We felt this way. What does it mean for us now. 

I'm at a spot in my life. I thought I was content with living it my way. But now I just feel like I want it to be something else. Like I want to make room for her. I want to find ways to keep her in my life. 

But at the same time I do not feel worthy. When I spoke about worth or self worth it always came up that this was trauma. Trauma that we regularly as our culture comes from oppression etc its part of the process of living

However it just sucks. To second guess myself an my worth in someone who has repeatedly told me that I matter alot. It's weird. An its hard to accept. 

I'm grateful for her etc but I'm still seeing myself in the way I'm at. And I'm realizing that all these places or pieces of my heart that I thought were all good. Like I thought it was all mended it ends up they are not mended. It ends up that I'm fairly shattered. I'm broken. An that sucks as a reminder of my life. 

I'm scared of how to carry that all through. 

Idk. I obviously have to go back to counseling but it sucks. 

It's like all these years I looked at myself in the mirror an thought I was all whole just to find out I'm not. An realizing those wounds I thought were healed are actually just taped together with super thin tape. 

I guess the process begins. 

My only hope. My only wish.  Please don't let me lose what I currently have... please don't let me sabotage who I am on the regular basis for anything. 

I hope that I don't lose that love because I cannot tell you enough how amazing it feels. 

2x today when I kissed her it was electrifying. Meaning we shocked one another which was super funny but maybe the reality of who we are together. Idk. 

Just don't wanna lose that. 

So I guess my new year life is to find a way to work on myself without losing the reason I wanna work on myself lol

 

As for car crash it fuckin sucks and sometimes not always but sometimes I'm having a hard time driving an that sucks. Because I'm reminded of what happened. 

Thats life. Lol

Idk

Maybe that happens maybe that's regular. Idk.

Keep moving forward