Tuesday, January 23, 2018

new world...new age?

Maybe it's only me that has learned this..or maybe this has been on going for some time...
I'm honestly disappointed when I see young people having relationships and thinking "this is the love of my life" and they have to do whatever they can to keep that person in their lives.
my sister has my nephew....and then the baby daddy leaves...and not only leaves he also on several occasions jeopordized the safety of my nephew..anyway he leaves thankfully! and then get another girl pregnant...and now...my sister is in this love triangle with this piece of shit...who leaves to go back to his pregnant girlfriend, but when that girlfriend kicks him out then he goes back to my sister..
He is a piece of garbage... manipulates everyone and has nothing but all talk about how he is going to get his family back, and how he's going to raise his son etx. and yet the first visit whenever that was he got his kid sick and then took off like a piece of shit.. and now returns again...and finally someone speaks up and says your either coming or going but you cannot continue to come into my nephew life and confuse him
so then the piece of shit says he's staying... and then has the nerve to ask me if my nephew needs anything. Bitch I've been with my nephew from the moment he was born, I fed him his first bottle, I was the 3rd person to hold him. and I have been there...giving my nephew everything, and anything, and everything he could needs, desire or want. so no baby daddy, piece of shit.. the kid needs nothing except for you to disappear..because this guy will do nothing but cause harm to his child, and even if he stays then he is now abandoning another child that hasn't even been born yet.
and my idiot sister has the nerve to say she is thinking of having another kid. bitch you haven't even taken care of your first child, maybe focus on that rather then thinking about putting another child in the system.
the only good thing is my nephew isn't in the system... I have helped prevent that from happening.. but everyone who told me...while my nephew is attached to me.. I see it in his eyes... when I walk away and come back, his excitement, when he cries for anything he searches for me for comfort, and he looks for reassurance about people around us. the only people he is sure of is my mom, and my youngest sister.
its a beautiful thing to have a kid attached to me... to look in his eyes and know that I am his whole world, and that he knows from the depths of my soul that I absolutely and utterly love him. people say his happiness is because of how I have taken care of him, and his advancement of crawling, and holding his bottle and is attention span is because of my time and care into him
I can't imagine what it will be like when he returns home... to a family that knows nothing about him the only good thing i believe is that my family is there, in the sense my sister doesn't have her own place and therefore she is living with my mom..and so I will have some sense that he will be safe. however if in the next few months someone decides to give my sister housing...while problem is that she has no conscious idea how to say "no" to baby daddy who can and will show up intoxicated, and they will argue and fight and jeopardize the safety of nephew.
honestly it's in their history and it hasn't ever changed and I don't know if it ever will and my concern is that my nephew will be exposed to that.. and I pray to whoever is out there please don't let my nephew grow up being a womanizer, or abuser to anyone.. let me at least show him pure love, and affection, and safety and security and traditions and culture
don't let him grow up like everyone else.. let him be amazing.. beautiful and handsome all in one, to show that men can love women without the manipulation, or control, and insecurities.
I worry so much... but I pray I'll be here of him... I've be assured that I will always be apart of his life in the sense that he will be with me on weekends... until I don't know when.. lets hope his idiot parents don't train him to hate me, lets hope that my love runs deep and that he knows full well that there is definitely beautiful things in this world.

its all that is on my mind

I guess... its funny because when my sister (his mom) was born.. I was all "I hate that baby" because the baby belonged to a man who tormented, tortured, abused me, and my family, and hurt my mom in so many ways.. I wanted to hate this unborn child because it belonged to that man, and that would always be my memory of the father..who hurt us so deeply for so many years.. and then when I held her for the first time... just looking at this fragile little thing... my heart melted, my dark soul was lit. I knew that I could love this baby, and that I could maybe make a difference in a small way.. I could love her the way I was never loved, all the memories of all the things I wanted as a child I could give to her.
I had lots of bonding time with her. I read to her at night, I hugged her everyday, and I said I loved her always. I showed how proud an happy I was for her, and I made sure no matter what that she knew I loved her.
I expected her to grow up to be something great... something amazing with her life, she used to talk about all these ideas of all these awesome things that she wanted to be.. i think she even said she wanted to be CSI crime scene investigation etx.
and yet.. I left... i went away when she was young and when I came back.. that love and devotion seemed to be there but there was more in her life.... just 5 yrs I was gone, must have felt like a lifetime to her, and she changed..
and instead of her respecting our family, or our mom, or even the world... she became selfish, self-centered, lazy girl..

and more so...according to society.. she is typical... letting a man have control over her life, he made her, convinced her to have the kid.. I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good idea.. I'm much older then her and only now had thought of going through with having a kid.. but I had all these things to consider.
and instead of listening to me.. she went ahead with it. she believed the piece of shit.. that they would be a a happy family, an that he would take care of her, and their child. and I think it lasted 2 to 3 weeks and he was gone.
he came back when my sister had money but always disappeared..  I stayed consistent in the picture.. I've been there since my nephew was born... with the minor lapse when my sister got mad at me over money of course.
anyway its sad...

I wish I could just take my sister and show her, let her see what I see. this is unhealthy and now that she has let the piece of shit back in her life... it has delayed the return of my nephew back to her, because now they don't just have my sister to consider as a parent but also the piece of shit who has done nothing but abandon his kid, and/or jeopardize the health and safety of his own child, or even leave his child with strangers because he was intoxicated.

it's a sad world, a part of me wants to not give him back a part of me believes I can give him a much better, greater more beautiful life. but that's not my call... I just can be someone that he can escape to when shit gets real at home, I can be the one he calls when stuff gets chaotic at home and i can talk him through, or pick him up, and maybe found my new ice cream bestie.

I just hope of all things that this kid knows how much I love him and how much I want the best for him.! I definitely can't have a kid until I know my nephew is safe....

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