anti-depressents

While I guess I should mention that I stopped taking the antidepressants.. basically when my sister let my nephew back in my life, my life became normal, and I felt like I was back in the family, and didn't see a reason to take medication as I'm not exactly sure there is any imbalance.
anyway so I think I missed thanksgiving back in November.. and then since my nephew has been in my care. at first I was allowed to hang and visit with him at my mom's but then stuff got bad..
I know a lot of it has to do with hurt, my sister is hurt that she lost her kid, and that she has to do all this stuff in order to get him back. as well as that he's with me.. and that he is and will have grown attached to me.
so on Christmas my sister got upset with me.. because we were doing supervised visits where i would monitor the visits she has with her son, and i decided to go get coffee which meant I couldn't leave my nephew with her.. and she got angry or upset about the way I grabbed him.. and she called after hours on me, and I left my moms and spent Christmas alone..no dinner no presents.
Honestly as sad as it was, it was nice because I've never really been a fan of any holiday
anyway so since Christmas things have been dysfunctional with my family, I can't visit my mom's house because my sister lives with my mom. and I can't let nephew see his mom without supervised visits at the social service office which has sucked.
she had two days a week for two hours. her first visit she was late, and her second visit she bailed on. it made me angry because she can get up super early to go to work and all this b.s but when it comes to seeing her own son she just couldn't get up.. and it irritates me.. I mean this is her kid.
she has previously messaged me about how terrible i am, and how I should just have my own kid, and stop trying to steal her kid. reality is...
I've grown up in the foster care system and honestly not all the time in foster care was good.. I honestly have some stories that I can't even share.. and so to be able to be put in a position where I can help keep a kid within the family and to be able to love and care for him.. I honestly seen it as a favor to my sister, and instead she basically sees as a betrayal, she definitely has a lot of stuff to work on.. and hope that it all works out for her.
other than that drama... the new year has started... and I must say since.. I've had plenty of support and love from my friends, and how amazing that has been..
to be honest the hardest part about Christmas and New Years for me... is that someone didn't call, message, smoke signal or anything... it's like our lives are over and started fresh without one another... it's almost been a year since I have heard from her.. and it's been really hard for me because I miss her, but I guess...its life... except that I speak with my friend in Germany for like 10 years her and i have been talking... and yet the one friend I had for 8 yrs is gone.... like gone of the face of the earth...
and that is horrible and painful.. I can only hope for the best for my future...
my best friend here in the city has been amazing, she has been with me forever, and I'm grateful to have her in my life.. but it's different and I think that's weird....all my relationships with all my friends are different in different ways? is that normal?
cause when I put them together things weird things happen...
I'm honestly also thinking about my birthday next month... usually I go for dinner with my friends but my friends are all scattered now... and now I have Elijah so I'd rather do nothing...but maybe thats a bad example? I did ask my family to pitch in on me getting a tattoo that would be awesome birthday gift.. I absolutely and utterly love tattoos.
I've already got my tattoo picked out for Elijah and my niece Samantha..
I'm rambling...
I'm doing good, and I'm being a great parent...most of everyone doesn't want my nephew to go back.. but I have to be understanding, and hope that I leave a beautiful mark on his soul that will last with him forever, even if he could feel loved unconditionally or anything.. I would be satisfied with that...
it has made me think that maybe I want to move into 2 bedroom housing, and become a foster parent. I know I want my own kids but I also would rather help my community and be able to imprint my love and wisdom onto vulnerable people, even just to be there for them, or something be a positive role model would be enough for me.
I'll try work on it, either that or I get pregnant haha! that'll be the weirdest day ever if I decided to have a kid, even though I know I'll be great.. and even as a single person I am doing beautifully with my nephew.. and I know I am capable which is beautiful..

so much to consider in this new year...