no one ever tells you the truth

I don't even know where to begin... I'm so disappointed in myself and my choices...
so... I guess I'm completely insane, and I hope that anyone who reads these posts doesn't really know who I am... that I'm just going to rant about all this bs because it helps at least I hope it does..
I asked for advice from different people and had different responses about whether the choices and decisions I'll make are even worth it... some say yes maybe, others say definitely no because it would destroy everything that matters.
so I am the worst person the face of the planet... I'm supposed to be loving this one person not forever, but at least caring for her and wanting her in my life in a way that isn't with anyone else. for some time this was true, I made an effort.. I avoided even looking at other people. and I only wanted my current girlfriend..
I made a decision that I thought was just between friends and nothing more.. and I guess I opened the door to something else.. something that can damage not only my current relationship but my friendship and I don't know what to do.. because a part of me wants to let go of all my morals and whatever I am and just say yes I want this.. and yet the other part of me.. is that my friend is someone who knows me beyond all things, all my everything...like nothing can be more personal then what her and I have... and here I am all confused... because I'm supposed to be not feeling what I feel. and now I'm confused.. because I don't know what I want anymore... and if I open this door any further it could destroy our friendship and we may never be friends again. and do you know how that would work? I guess it could be ok.. because I'll be moving away anyway..
but my current girlfriend wants me forever...but she's also in another province which is why things are so difficult to figure out.. because she's not here... I see her maybe 2 times a month in person, but otherwise I'm alone...aside from the random Skype nights that we talk, but even then we don't talk about much.. we don't have that much in common, and we have different tastes in everything. it's almost like two opposites. which made it seem more fun because it's an opportunity to grow, and also IDK.
but in my previous relationship... I used to say thinking of it is cheating... thinking of sleeping/kissing or touching another person is considered cheating...whether that be true or not.. IDK. but if it's true than I've already been an idiot because I wanted to sleep with my friend... except that nothing has actually happened, we just talked... and were like intimate and connected in a way that no one really knows... i guess? but then the other part of that.. is i  continue.. with that.. she'll know all my flaws, all my good and bad, all my moods etc.. it's almost predictable..
here I am stringing along my current girlfriend because I wanted to be with her.. I like the person I am with her, and I like how she pushes me to grow and be more than I am..
I know it almost seems obvious that we go for the things that are more challenging... but the whole being 964 kms apart is causing me issues because I can't cry in the arms of my love, I can't sleep and wake up next to my love, and I can't randomly see her at any point.. it takes forever just to get to her.. so I don't know if it's worth it.
she's not able to move here and I'm not able to move there.. I mean not at this time... if things change with my work I might consider it.. but my job is keeping me here, because I'm good at this work and I want to continue with that.
the other part..is maybe understanding my friend may be just experimenting with ideas but doesn't actually know what it's like to be in a relationship, so for her it could be just a fling with me.. where as I could likely get attached and want everything, and I'd not be able to handle the break up and/or the thought that maybe it's just a fling, a crush, a fun thought..

I wish I wasn't in this place... because I don't know what to do.. and if I am honest about what has happened..then I could lose my friendship and my partner. so I don't know what to do..
I don't know how to close a door once it's been opened... I'm worried about how that would look and how that would play out... because I think a part of me will always desire more, but also be completely understanding about the decision and what it will cost.. maybe I should remind her of that and see how she'd like to proceed.. or should I be straight up and say I can't.. now is not the time for me to be acting or reacting to those moments, because I am in a relationship and last thing I want to do is hurt her. although if she finds out, it will have already hurt her.. and she wouldn't forgive me for it.

losing my mind.. and I don't know what the heck to do anymore

chaos and falling apart

you know when I'm around my family in the beginning I always think wow this is so great why didn't I do this more often because they are great people blah blah blah.
then the little things happen and it's like the snowball effect it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point it's unbearable.
I can't be a part of my family and their stuff... because its like I used to always say about the snake who eats it's prey.. it sucks the life of it's prey before swallowing it whole..
honestly exact same that happens to me when I'm surrounded by my family.. when I begin to let them back in my life, and begin to do the little things like helping them go from A to B, or even just listening to their bs etx... the little things begin to add up, and my heart begins to crumble, and I get pulled in every direction, to the point I forget that I have nothing at home, I haven't even taken care of myself or my cats, or my home, and I'm back to old thoughts of ending everything because it's to overwhelming..
and then when I release that.. when I let that go... in the way of my addiction that's been around for about 17 yrs... when i go back to that chaos, when I open the door to the beast.. and when I try to shut that door.. it's not helping/working or happening.. and now I'm back to the person I used to be.. I mean from the outside of the box people look in and think how great I am that I'm helping my family, what they don't see is I feel like I'm a slave, obligated and ordered to help them and it sucks the life out of me, and when that happens... I become the darkness.. crazy thoughts set in etx.
and I know what your thinking what about boundaries, what about half way in half way out, etc.. believe I wouldn't be where I am today..

regardless I guess of course with all things in my life.. I'm struggling.. my heart is feeling pulled and broken and is shattering..
the only good thing about it all.. is that I traveled to Alberta... I went to see the one person I had hoped loved and cared and cherished me.. and of course she did, and it was more than just those things.. and now I'm considering relocating... yes I know insane cray.. but I just don't know what there is else here for me in the city, I always said that I came back to this horrible place for my family, I came to protect them, defend them, and to kill that one person who hurt someone in my family.. and all the most have been done, except killing the child molester..only because I can't find him.. anyway I just don't see a point in me being here any more.. I don't see purpose for me in the city, with my job, friends and family... everything is falling apart. and I'm sure I'm just being crazy and thinking about running away from problems and how that doesn't solve anything...
it will solve the one thing! that I'll get out of the grip of my family..and maybe find some sort of happiness for myself.

I'm currently losing my mind.. and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know how to walk away and be ok with whatever bs I have going on.. I am going to consider Alberta, because I love the person that is there,and I think that I can be happy... for some time.. and I think I deserve that right about now... in this time in my life.

deadbeat dad return

I can't describe how stupid it is that I have to be outside of this looking in, and seeing my sister make a big mistake, believing this piece of shit could change, or that he cares for his kid or my sister. the sacrifices she makes for him, and I'm tired of it..
I may lose my chances of seeing Elijah but at least I won't beat the shit out of his dad. so I guess it's a bonus, I can't sit by and watch my family welcome him in the house, or let him treat my sister the way he does, and I can't stand by and let that all happen. so I have to do whats right for me.
I already told my sister this last payday it would be the only time I help her with Elijah, I bought him formula, diapers, a swing, we picked up a crib, changing table, I bought him new outfits etx. I did all I can, and the father did nothing.
so I'm walking away and letting them figure shit out and hope that I'm wrong about this piece of shit father.
I hate the world today and I hate how things are.. I wish it was easier, I wish I could have hope for someone like him, but I've known so many people like him, there's nothing to like.
I am going to have to step away from my family, step away from Elijah.. and just take care of myself, and in that it will be very alone and very sad.. but I don't have a choice..
lately I've been having flashbacks of my past and the person I used to be.. and I must say that I'm disgusted at the person I used to be, and it only took one person to actually believe in me, actually an entire group of strong women that believed in me, and never gave up on me.. but for this deadbeat dad, that likely doesn't exist, because he's not ready for that change.. he knows how to talk all the talk but he doesn't know how to be there for his kid or the mom..
He F's off every chance he gets, and does fuck all to help the family, and my family still accepts him and lets him sit in their house..
I won't even let him sit in my car. piece of shit.
I'm so angry..disappointed...hurt? I know that I'm being proud and/or stubborn more so being judgemental against this one person..but if you knew what he has said and done to my sister, you'd understand why I despise him.
My sister and Elijah deserves someone better than that... someone who actually loves them, and will take care of them, rather then being distant and demanding my sister to do everything.. she's exhausted enough with having the baby, and recovering from that, this guy just doesn't care.. if he care he'd do more for her, more for his son.. what's important to him is his addiction, and making my sister help curve his cravings with other things
I am disappointed in my family because they just let him sit there.. if it were me I'd make him feel like garbage, so uncomfortable his only safe place is in my sisters' room because he's not welcome.
the downfall to this is that I lose Elijah... it's already been two days since I seen him, and it's a lot of deadbeat dad that's stopping me from seeing him.. it hurts.. i love that kid so much, but he's not my kid, and he's ok with his mom and my family... at no real time does he actually need me at all... I just think that he does, because I've missed 5 days since he was born, but well 7 days now..
I don't know what to focus on if it's not seeing him.. and that is also hard.. because my life has been consumed by Elijah, he's become my whole world that now losing him... I don't know how I'll survive.
I'm sure I'm being dramatic... lets put it in this pathetic sense... everyone who's anyone has seen "twilight" more so the last one before Bella becomes a vampire... she gives birth to a baby, and Jacob... imprints on that baby... and it was in that moment he knew his whole life was meant for this one kid.. to protect her, guide her etx...blah blah cheesy blah blah
My whole purpose is to protect and love Elijah, and to take him away from me... hurts like hell and it's like my heart is now broken... and he's the only one that can make that better...until then...