Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Beast

All the colorful faces of the beast of me....Im worried about myself today and I'm worried about what I'm doing with my life.. Im beyond scared tonight... To be constantly here and working and working an feeling alone... I recently had a fall out with my mother and it's killing me just thinking of how rude I can be.. I need some help and I need to figure out what to do.. My brother's birthday is coming up this Saturday and I have money for his birthday... I want to do something for him and we are, we have decided to have a BBQ, and its great but a majority of the money is from me..

My drinking is getting the better of me, you know it's always been smoking was my friend an now I feel like I need both when I'm under stress, the alcohol is starting to take over my life againi, and I'm lost... I have tried to reach out but Im unsuccessful with my resoucres of help..What do I do now??? Where do I turn and who do I reach out too??>>

I can't believe my life anymore! I can't believe what I'm doing anymore and sometimes I dont even understand it you know? How have I got here other than the beast of me resurfacing in my life and I'm losing my mind... I have for the best two days besides work I haven't wanted to get out of bed unless drinking was part of the plan...

Whats considered a cry for help!!! I have lost myself in all my chaos of my life and I feel alone, even though I'm in a relationship there isn't any support there... Im alone and sometimes I remember why we were supposed to break up, and other times I forget, and it's like whats the right decision!

The stress of money is more overwhelming, and the stress of throwing my evenings away because I'm working well it's too much you know???
I have no friends, hardly any family and now I'm alone... I need a way out and I need to find myself again because I'm losing it

I know I had all these aspirations going to University and I still want too, but not like this, not when I feel unstable, and not when I don't feel I have the support... I mean going through school is so beyond difficult, but this schooling is for my career!!for my future... my real future...


The darkness, the beast is flowing through me and reminding me of how alone I feel, and Im scared for myself... I know that I won't hurt myself physically, i won't kill myself, but you know when you get so low you start self-destructing in other way? drinking, drugs, and other things?

Well..lets see how everything goes..

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