Monday, August 8, 2011

Lost in the mess

Since August 1, I have been moved out unfortantley I went back on August 4, a lack of ability to avoid my own feelings and tried to stay there...
How in the world am I supposed to do this? the only people that believe this relationship besides myself is my family and even then they are dysfuntional in their own ways... So who and what am I supposed to trust!!

My heart is yearning, screamng and dying and living all in one, a mixture of emotions that I cannot handle and if you ever had to ask how I'm doing than you'll never understand a break that I am feeling... And even than not really a break up at all because I went back...
Im trying my best to avoid this but I cannot seem to find a way to let go I mean really in the end.. do you know how much I wrote about the love of my life in Ontario???

I cannot keep describing what I felt for him, and try justify it with the way I feel now in this time,in my days here in Vancouver! I freakin am in love and I'm struggling to let go of the things that make these things wrong you know?
The right and proper decision according to my counselor, and my one friend is that I have to let this go... and yet what I've done is went back, but created space so that we are only together at certain times...

Isn't that heartbreaking? We've agreed to stay together but seperately for the time being until we are going to counselling and dealing with our own personal problems that have created the barriers that we are currently dealing with..

I know that for myself I have had problems with relationships forever!! I never had someone good in my life,and yet every relationship left a scar and wound in my life, an I've carried it through to now.. and yet even inall my struggles I need to make this work because I honestly don't see anyone in my future I'd rather spend my life with!!

Will it work!! Will I stand on my own once again, and create a healthy relationship from such dysfuntion??!! only time will tell and I hope for good results but Im completely prepared for the worst to happen, as we both recognize that we are reaching beyond our abilities and hope for a better tomorrow... that's all I asked for you know??! Just to give it a try and if it works great if not than we tried and that's all I want..

Other than that I'm on one more week of working full time and I return to my life of trying to find enough hours to keep on keepin on... My best friend has went away and I'm feeling alone as ever.... I hope that I find the support I need because the time is now that I'm crying out for help..

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