It's been nearly a month since I've written... I wish that I could give good report but I can't.. I dont know if I will ever be able too..I know I need to find the time to write in here because maybe it will help me better...with my life...because it's always been my writing that's helped me through stuff...
So in the last month who knows what's happened..I went to Ontario my brother and I had a terrific time and it was a very memoriable time... I did talk to some people I told them about some incidents that have happened here in Vancouver...it was difficult and disappointing that I would have to tell the people I love how terrible I've been doing.
I was in the hospital again...I was also arrested for some kind of drunkness or something not really sure...however I realized that I'll never become a cop with my history with the police in the last nine months there's no way I would even dream of trying to become a police officer because I realize how messed up I've become...
I also am under a lot of stress with my life at my mothers' and if not that then work...I actually have been skipping out on work the last two weeks I've been ill with some kind of stress thing like I get too stressed out and get sick...no appetite no sleep...just craziness...my work understands for now...however I strongly believe that if I continue like this Im either going to be let go or Im going to quit...
However I talked to my doctor who's been trying to figure out what's wrong with me for the last two weeks and he said if I quit work then I'll be even more stressed out because I'll be outta work and so if I can try and stand it to do it...Im on a diet of foods now and still not sleeping...
I've never felt more terrible in my life.. with this idea of never becoming anything you know?
I mean my counselor here in Vancouver had agreed with some things of me becoming a leader among my peers and all that...and then the whole destiny thing with everything else...it's just like...I feel like "John Connor" from the terminator judgment day...haha I just watched that this afternoon...I just feel like theres so much pressure on me to survive...so much pressure on me to live my life...so much pressure and it's just become so much on me... and then people tell me to enjoy life...and then it's like everyday Im forced to make sure my choices are based on the idea of being a big sister, on the idea of being a leader, on the idea of me being a role model... and instead of doing that I become really messed up with alcohol.. the only thing I've stopped doing is taking pills...well unless there perscribed...and I also stopped cutting...
I have decided that Im quitting everything slowly you know? I mean if I try and quit it all quickly I'll probably just fall apart and end up losing my mind..so I've gradually tried to quit everything....
I have done some pretty stupid things this last month... and I've hurt alot of people..and really hurt myself in the end...my counselor and I talked about how I won't let other people to hurt me and how I take it out on myself..or if not that then I load myself with all this guilt and end up making some really bad decisions...
I dont even know where to begin on changing my life...a part of me just wants to get away for like a week..no phone no communication with anyone or anything but I dont have the kind of money to do that..and I dont even know where I would even think of going because I dont really know... I just wish
If i had one wish..it would be just to pack up a backpack and go camping for a week somewhere far away by myself...and just enjoy the nights sky, and enjoy the days hot sun...and just write my letters...write my stories and enjoy myself...and relax.... because im losing my mind...
I can't believe how much pressure is on me..because it's like all my decisions for everything my older brother see's those things and follows my example and then I end up being blamed for it or he ends up going on a bad trip about me leaving, or making the decisions I've made... and if not that then I've just been a terrible person...
however no no never mind there is no however...I've really messed up everything lately.. and I've barracked myself in my house and refuse to leave unless its for work...I mean I feel like everything I touch right now turns to pain and heartache and then I feel guilty and then it's like the old feelings of cutting come up or ending my life...
I can't believe where Im at right now...i can't believe it at all...
there is no good hand..no good news..
Im still in a relationship..Im still very much in love and wish that I could be a better person for my love..I wish that i could be saner...or something better...and yet my love is still there...still waiitng...stilll loving..still helping me through this...still being there the nights..the days..and minutes and seconds of my life...an I constantly am baffled at how someone can love someone so much and be there through all these diseasterous times for myself...I mean I constantly want to throw in the towel....I feel like I've lost all hope and desire to survive and everyday...it's just become a dread...a painful time...I dont want to move outta my bed...
however Im not depressed..my doctor does not believe that..he thinks that Im just under a lot of stress...he strongly suggests I move outta my moms' and get my own place..but because of all the stress I'm unable to work my full hours...and have cut that in half and it's been terrible for my paychecks....and then I have visa companies calling, if not that then my cell phone bill or money I owe my uncles...or something so stupid...and IM supposed to be helping my mom out with food and everything and I can't even do that anymore..
just talking about all this stuff is making me ill... and I hate that because i know I need to write about it more often..
well im exhausted...I know that for a fact...without a doubt....
Now I am going to head to bed...howeevr because I know writing is my gift and everything Im hoping that it won't be a month before I write again..because i need to write...it helps me so much...
although there are many things Im not saying...the major things are being said...
night
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