there for a friend

R.I.P BABIES~

It's hard to think of how to start off this day... I got a call lastnight from a friend she needed my help with going through a very difficult situation...I didn't even hesitate at the opportunity to be there for her regardless of what it was...I went to her place after work...we woke up at 6am to head to the hospital....
I went with my friend..my dear friend...she was pregnant and the baby was in the wrong part of her stomach or something in her filliopian tubes.. so she had to do an outpatient procedure.. I did not realize how much it would effect me..
I sat there in the waiting room...with a bunch of guys..husbands..boyfriends..etc.. I didn't really know the whole situation...but when I realized what had been happening.. I could not help but break into tears..
The main reason it bothered me so much was because I had heard a story about a dear friend of mine going through a very difficult situation...in the past..and even at the story she had told me I had cried...

this was a different thing..I was sitting there...knowing...that these children...these two precious gifts from God were being ripped from her belly and being taken away...she didn't even get to decide whether she wanted to keep them or not...so afterwards..we walked around....surrounded by pregnant women...an both of us nearly fell into tears all these precious mothers carrying gifts from God...and we were reminded of what she had just done...but I explained to her that she needed to do this...it would be too painful and probably not able to survive it neither for her or the children...
but my heart.....

my heart...
my heart could not let go of the burden of letting go of two precious children... being ripped from their mother...an taken away...
it's too painful to think about..too much too much stuff...

I sat with my friend....outside..on the stairs...she began to cry...she felt so guilty...as if it was a choice that she had just made...and I was just trying...my best to be turned off from the whole situation..I didn't want her to know how much pain I was in just having her go through something like that.....

I took her home...and she fell asleep.... a couple hours later..I ended up taking her back to the hospital something had gone wrong at the procedure... I wanted to cry...I wanted to scream..> I had never felt so helpless..my sweet friend was in so much pain and I could do nothing...nothing but rub her shoulder...hold her hand....I couldn't cry...I didn't want to scare her....

All day all's I've thought about are those two babies..those twins...that are now gone...and Im just all broken inside...all torn up..I can't believe this... I won't forget this day

it made me think...of... my brothers and sisters...and loooking at them being so glad apart from how annoying they can be...how much I love them..how much Im glad each of them was born.. Im so glad that I was too young to see my mother have to go through something like..because after I was born she was pregnant and had a miscarriage... I know...that when a friend of mine had called me and told me she had one I cried...
there's something about children...apart from the fact I dont really like children I mean I love chidlren and they love me...but I've dealt with children for the past 18yrs ...so Im like looking forward to their growth and then having my time away from children...
but children...there's just something about them..an innocence... I mean when I first met.. my friend Connie's baby... she was so precious..but I was scared of her..this small fragile baby.. and my friend Connie put her in my arms...this fragile life...I was terrified...but then Abigail opened her eyes after her nap...and she started smiling... and all those fears...all that tension that I had went away...this little life...was smiling at me...

it reminds me of my cousins' son Dilon! the greatest kid in the world..the first time I held him was on December 25.2007.. for the first time I met him that day...the only reason was because my mom wanted someone to help her with dinner..and Toni Dilon's mom was the only volunteer and she put Dilon in my arms...and i fell in love with him... he's the best!

anyhow I've always had good experiences with children...I just have a connection to them.. in some way..most children love me..I mean i dont love children to like become a teacher of elementary or anything..but I dont know how to explain it.

but today..was a very difficult painful...heartbreaking day for me and I wont forget it... I dont think there is a way to forget something like this... how difficult it was and how painful it was.

i gotta go...now...

needed to write that