my end

well it's been a very difficult couple days...
I went to take care of my drunk brother on Friday and he ended up trying to take a swing at someone and hit me in the face...I find out tomorrow if he fractured my nose.. I haven't made it to work either because i've been sick on top of everything.
I had a counselling appointment today that I did not go too..which was a really bad idea...I really needed to go but I am really sick with an infection to my voice box so talking would've been rough enough as is.

Ive had a real hard time...with all this love stuff....
no matter what the love we try and show on those we love always seems to be worthless and hopeless nothing is ever good enough...and I feel finally done trying...people want me to love them then they better put up with the way I'll show that now... before it was all about the talking, being there and all that...but now im like well...what am I to do now?
I go from extreme to extreme it's always been this way with me...I dont think it'll ever change and therefore I always lose...because i can never find the balance between those things.
and then I have this whole anger problem... i always lash that sorta thing out in a reaction to something so simple and that really ruins everything for me...it's frustrating to be me right now..

so far the only people I've hurt are those I love...but the days not over yet..lol.. I seem to have the way of hurting people and then feeling guilty about it....it takes me longer to realize I've hurt someone and then when I find out I have I make myself hurt...self abuse is such a terrible thing...

however...upper side of my terrible life at the moment..is Im still trying to become something of myself...its just time to get the ball rolling on that...maybe go to school somewhere far away.. that way when I come visit it'll be for a short time and I can't usually hurt people in that length of time...however it's a curse that I have in hurting those I love.

it's been extremely difficult at work because of all this stuff Im doing for everyone..joking Im only working as a supervisor for my company getting paid bulshit money..to try and train these people to work the best...so far I feel like I've failed that and now I just like man I just want to quit..but then my counselor tells me to wait and find another job before I quit...but then I have no time for myself to do those sorts of things...I've allowed myself to get tied up in other peoples stuff...because I care that much and that's a curse too.

so now...when I wake up...Im only focusing on me...because I need to get my life straightened out I need to figure out my ways in life rather then constantly trying to help everyone... because like everyone keeps telling me I can't help anyone until I help myself...I can't succeed if I constantly have to watch out for other people...not happening anymore Im really going to do this because I dont want my life to be like this anymore..I am and have been created for so much more then this...and here I am..trying and failing..trying and failiing..thankfully I learned my horrible weaknesses are and my strengths...and what ways I need to improve my ways of life... because its time to be all about me....I have to do this or I'll fail in my life..because I'll just be miserable..and that'll be terrible...

so that's my plan..through all these terrible situations..these experiences..I realize all's Im hurting are those I love...the only way to stop that is to find out about myself all over again.. and really learn more about myself...and get dealing with these issues in my life before it tears me apart...

that's all for now...what else can I say...

Good night