Thursday, July 17, 2008

moments passed me by


Im not sure where to begin or what to say... In the last week of my life.. everything good demolished before my eyes.. I lost alot of things.. It was like as soon as I wrote that note that I posted last I wrote.. everything fell apart. My cousin and i are in this huge fight we are not talking anymore, court is driving me nuts...

How do I say this? how do I write this and say it'll be alright you know?
I didn't stop cutting... my cousin said some nasty things to me about me or around me..It has felt like my life has went from being almost great I mean everything was going for me and everything seemed awesome. I wrote that note and everything got messed up, every good thing in my life, every good person in my life..just walked away..

I know what some people will say about that situation.. and I know that I am not even sure myself that I actually wanted to get out of it..i mean as soon as i wrote that the thought came into my mind..what am I going to do about Friday... this friday meaning a day away.. it's the day I go to court again.. this last time at court didn't go over very one was there for me.. and I nearly got up and beat the guy down... I heard the story of what happened to my sister for the very VERY FIRST TIME! It gutted me like nothing ever could and it wounded me like nothing else I had ever felt.. I felt this wreching pain in my heart, as if my heart was being ripped from my body..and stomped on by the defendent and the judge. Isn't that painful!
A part of me thought about what the officer would have done if I walked up to that man and just hit him..and ranaway.. obviously they would know who I was and everything...but like what would they have done? I mean I dont know... I just really died in a way that day..
So to think of going through that again without the idea of being able to hurt myself if I don't like the results it's painful..I mean my mom even got angry...not about the same thing as me.. but she was upset.. I mean I haven't been there for her at all because i can't.. I can't believe everything that's happened you know? I can't believe any of it...and I want something more then what this all is..I want him to be put on the sex offenders list, and I want him to have a record for his crime.

so either way..I've cut myself since last I wrote.. Its too crazy to live without it for me..not at this time.. I mean if you look at everything its just like how do we let those things go? how do we allow ourselves feel emotions at all youknow? I dont know Im just like I dont think now is the time for me..
It's too difficult with court, with family problems..and with just life problems..that I think what I need to do first is find another way to approach this rather then trying to just quit like that.. I mean I had counselling this last Monday and I didn't go...I mean she was sick and everything. I kinda took that as this is not the time, im not ready.. I mean I probably really needed to talk to her.. but I didn't go there..she isn't there..

I wonder if I should be scared you know? how long will this effect my life.. and how will I tell people that love me..that i didn't stop..I didn't even last two days without it.. the moment something went wrong, or when everything went wrong it's all I could think about.. I couldn't call anyone, or go to anyone...because no one knew how I felt with everything...

im going to Ontario still..or in August..I mean.. Im going to visit some friends..and Im bringing along my brother and yeah that should be will be nice to get away... because I know how important this trip will be for me.. I mean my brother is coming with me..I thought about it.. When I was 18yrs old I moved to Ontario...and my brother just turned 18 and I wish I could leave him there..but I know I can' I just want him to get through life..hopefully find some better things to do with his life..maybe brighten his idea of life..because he hasn't really travelled.. he hasn't might the amazing people that are in my life..maybe it will change him in some way..
Im really excited about getting away..more excited to see my be back there.. I can picture it the beautiful views, the smiling faces, and the great love that is there.. Im talking about NLGH. Im super excited to share this experience with my brother..he will have a great time...

anyhow...Im just talking now...

im not sure if I'll stop..or when I stop...but one day it will just come by and I won't say anything.. it will just happen... for now this is what I still have... and Im ok with that..I mean im not happy about it but I know its' not going to be the end of the world for this situation with me right now..


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