im selfish

I honestly have to write about this because apparently im selfish. for the last I think it's been a week or so that I've had two people call me up and tell me how selfish I am..
Im selfish and I don't care....that's what they been telling me..

how difficult and emotional it's made me.. because I look at my life.. I look at the things I've done... I mean when I was a teenager I was the spotter for my older sister because I was always worried about her, anytime anyone and I mean this in the past and present..anyone ever calls me up needing my help I'd go out of my way to help them..
I left Ontario... I left the life I wanted to live.. a happiness that I felt..a freedom that I felt there.. a laughter I've never had before, friends that I cared so much for...I left all of that to be back here.. to be here for my family... to be here for my sister..to be here for my family... can you believe how selfish I am?

Since all this has gone down..I can't stop thinking about it...

if not that those that know that I struggle with cutting...are calling me up and telling me how stupid I am for being like that.. as if it's easy to stop... and im not going to justify my choices with anyone...I am struggling with that more then before...I have not been in counselling for almost two weeks and so much stuff has gone down...so much pain...agonizing pain... losing friends.. hearing the truth from my what seemed to be my imediate family..
I don't care...lol..

I fought on behalf of my sister my youngest sister..I did what I had to do and yet I dont care.. I dont care that she has nightmares, she has fear in her life...and I dont care...
I dont care...

It broke my heart when I was gone..being thousands of miles away from my brothers and sisters.. missing their birthdays..christmas', and all the family events..regardless that I dont enjoy those things I know how important those events are to my family.. because apparently I dont care..

I mean even then... I was there for these two people that are saying what they are saying now.. when my cousins dad died I was one of the first people there... and it freakin killed me.. i understood the pain that she suffered..and I was with her all that day and night..I took her punches and words...and yet still stood by her through it all..at her dad's funeral I was there for her... and I went and drank with her...and yet im selfish...
with the other one...with her she'd call me and cry to me, as I would do to her... a true friendship is what I thought it was...to have someone and share those things with...and to cry..to be sad.. be happy and enjoy life...have sad times..happy times....just greatness of having that kind of friend.. to have her take all that I had shared with her in confidence and to have her turn it all against me.. and tell me I need to grow up... right...
the worst of it all is that she said some rude ass stuff about my father...not only did she not know my father...she knew nothing..and yet... she said stuff about him..so regardless if she ever apologizes..that's not something I'll forget or forgive... no one says anything about my dad without paying the price for it...

I know that Im great..I know that Im one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have..I would do anything for everyone..and never expect anything in return...and when I've asked people to be there for me and have them not there..I don't hold grudges...even yet I still have gone out of my way for people..helping people..encouraging people to do better in their lives..
with my brother..I've never told him to stop drinking because I drink too..not as much as him and not for the reasons he drinks... but I'm not the person to tell him to stop doing something Im not willing to quit doing either... I have tried to encourage him to do better in his life... and yet like all these people...they all tell me to do better in my life...

as if my life is garbage... I have had the opportunity to love two people in my life... two people I love and cherish and will love forever... I have travelled..I have helped people...when I was a Christian I had so many opportunities to share my life with people as a motivational speaker would...I stood in front of churches shared the deep dark secrets of my life and encouraged others to do better..I remember a few years ago I had even shared my life with young teens and had so many of them come to me and ask me to pray the prayer of salvation with them...
I have had jobs..and a job now thats great because Im doing something...something I can do something I can handle..and it's not going to be my forever...I mean I want to go to College.. I want to become a police officer... I have plans for College, and plans for my future.. whereas there are people who don't have that stuff....

I dont know...the last few days have been extremly difficult to have people that love and care about me tell me that I don't care...to hear my own brother tell me that I don't care... it's become reptetive and painful...and people wonder why im still cutting...but when you hear all this stuff and mulitply it by forever you would understand what I think about everyday... I've not had many or any people tell me how great I am...the one person that did... is a guy who's one of my friends...other then that...everyone is on the same page of me being selfish...
my own mother...I talked to her and asked her..and she said look at everything I've done for everyone since moving back...and look at me now..Im paying for my brother and I to go to Ontario...to have a blast..and hopefully open his eyes to the world..or at least something other then B.C.

either way....im selfish and I don't care...

these words have haunted me for nearly two weeks now..with the same three people bringing it up to me every time they talk to me..every time they drink..I get phone calls...
I guess I should just change my number..lol.

hopefully going to make it past this but it's not been a fun ride to hear these words circling my mind so much...trying to work..trying to do what I have to do to survive...but with this constant thoughts of I don't care and Im selfish...it's overwhelmingly painful...and at moments...

at various....moments....moments... I think ....