Friday, July 11, 2008

ready to let it go

"Open Wounds"
In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me, somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Then spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault
How could you, how could you, how could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you, how could you, how could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps
Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??
You can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.


please don't read this unless you are able to handle the words I am about to talk about..

"my will shall shape the future. whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."

It's hard to think of where to begin with all of this so Im going to write a long note and Im sharing these small details of my life..It started when I was about twelve years old it lasted until I am now twenty-three years old... something that has controlled my life for so long, something that has been there for me as easy access and as a lie of being helpful..I can hardly remember the first time I did it, but I remember the feeling as it came every time I continued to do it after that... I remember the relief that I felt, I remember the desire...and I remember the reaction of all those who love me...those who had to see me go through this difficult time...I dont want to alarm anyone I thought I could write this without saying what it was because a part of me doesn't want anyone to know...but some already im just going to talk about it...When I was twelve years old I was introduced to self-abuse.. Im not really sure who got me into it...but it became an addiction..a sense of relief in time of emotional became a best became my coping mechanism to really difficult times...It started with my hands.. I used to use exacto knives to slice my fingers and palms of my hands open...Im not sure if it was the blood I liked seeing, or the pain that I felt when I did it.. After a while I started burning trying to tattoo myself with a needle and fire.. then I started slicing up my one arm with exacto knives.. When I moved to Ontario that was something I had temporarily stopped but like all came back every so often...When I moved from Consecon to Oshawa... It came back into my life.. maybe it was because I felt guilty for the damage that my moving to Ontario had caused my family...or maybe it had to do with being emotionally turmoiled by the news that my youngest sister was sexually abused..It stayed that way...for about the three years that I lived in Ontario... I used to write in a journal about we had an english class..and I used to write about cutting, I used to write about self abuse, make poems and helplines and all that stuff about self-abuse... my counselor at the school had given me some giving me a number and checking in with her every week...It didn't work out...when I graduated school.. I moved to another part of Ontario... and got messed up in drinking for like six to eight months. One night...I felt really really low in my life...and some arguments had triggered some emotions that I did not want to feel...and the thoughts, the addiction came creeping up.. and I sliced my fingers open..but because it was cold, and I was drunk...I was bleeding really really bad, I walked home.. and realized that I needed to go to the hospital... I got I think seven to eight stitches on my fingers for that day...I never wanted to remember that day but because of the great danger I will never forget that day...I tried to quit drinking at that time because I realized how much abuse it was bringing into my life...When I moved back to did not change...when my cousin died I really got messed up with drinking..and I got really messed up with cutting.. no longer on my hands or my arms...because my brothers and sisters could see that.. I started cutting on my side...It carried on this way... for the last seven months that I have returned to Vancouver...It was not until recently that I started to see the harm that I brought onto my family members, and those that loved love..and my close friends... I did not want to see them see me suffer this way.. I am in counselling now..and we often talk about the day I'll be ready to let go of the blade that I used to cut myself in Ontario... thankfully she is a patient woman and does not demand it, she said when im ready...then she will be ready to take it from me...the last two days...the strong desire has come to my life that I want to let it go.. Im embarrassed by my scars, scared of what I might do if I continue to allow this thing to control my life, control my Im deciding on my own that I am going to let this thing go...remove it from my life...allow myself to be emotional at times of emotional states...allow myself to cry when I feel like crying...and try everything in my power to stop cutting myself, stop hitting things with my fist... so this is why im writing this is because Im ready...Im ready to make a world record of my life to stop cutting...I've only gone about a few weeks without cutting...the recent one I've done was just about a week or two ago.. im ready to stop and hope that it will wierd as this might be...these blades that I have mean something to me.. and i've never gone anywhere without them... so this will be alot different from what Im used too..however Im ready to start allowing myself to feel... allowing myself to get through this the way that I was meant too...just wanted to share that...thanks

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