I know it might sound insane... I might be losing my mind in this idea that movies and tv are reality, well the concept of how realistic these movies might be...
When I watched Smallville starting in 2001, it brought me hope... It made me believe that it's possible to make change, it's possible to change your destiny, and it's possible to become your own person, and to be able to believe in heroes, to believe that we can be a hero..
In 2004 I didn't get to watch "The L Word" but I watched this series about 5 yrs ago and that had me believe that it's possible to have a long lasting relationship, as well as friendship with people. It had me believe in connections, had me see the beauty of coming out as a lesbian, it definitely has been tough for some women that I know.. and I am grateful for my mother.. I have to say when I told her about myself.. she said "I already knew" she knew who I was before I did. But with watching the L word I realized I could be who I am, and I don't need the labels.. I don't need to dress like a girl all the time, and I don't want to dress like a boy and look like a boy. I want to create my own style, my own beauty the way I see the beauty in myself.
In 2010 I began watching "Rookie Blue" I honestly had hope that I'd one day be able to serve and protect, I strongly believe I was able to do this.. That there was so much opportunity for change, I watched Rookie Blue for all the 5 years it aired, I had people I know watching this masterpiece. This once again a reminder of the people in uniform who serve, and how grateful I am to have them (some) of them serving in my community. I wish that more officers would show a little more compassion, or leave their judgements at home. I still walk down DTES and see police and immediately think I've done something wrong.. so many of them come into my work, and in my work I am the all mighty powerful boss, and it seems well.. but as soon as I step out of my work.. I'm just another trouble maker, likely selling drugs, or running drugs, or selling my ass. the cops make me worry and I don't think that can change.. there's so much stain on their badges, and recently someone said to me not all police officers are bad..but really if they aren't ALL bad that what are the good ones doing to make change? it's a choice to allow another officer bully people, or make judgements, and if the good ones don't feel comfortable enforcing these values, or reporting it to their superiors then Vancouver has some serious issues with the police chief.
An than there was Orange Is the New Black, I watched this with connection of wanting to know each person story, because like so many people who are spending time in jail, they aren't just a number or another white, black, first nation person in jail. Each person has their story.
Than I was introduced to "Wentworth" 2013 I started watching it probably two years ago.. and I have always been in AWE! Of this amazing writing, each episode has caught me off guard, each time I'm just amazed! I'm so happy to watch it!
But today.. I can't say what happens as it's not out yet I'm sure. but I can my heart is broken, this is a great sadness that hits home for me.
To imagine the things that I am enduring right now, and all these paths that I'm on, and all this uncertainty. I'm in love.. I'm infatuated with two women in my life.. I can't deny what I feel for them, I just absolutely adore them both.. I doubt either feel anything for me, but I can't tell you what it's like just to see her face,and the warmth of her smile as she sees me.. maybe she's playing games, maybe she isn't interested, and like many say maybe she's just leading me on.. or maybe she doesn't know. But I feel for her more than ever, and yet even if she had a chance to come to me,she had a momentary lapse in her judgement.. I think I'm past being able to be with her, I'd rather keep her in my life as a friend, than lose her because she's uncertain. that's how amazing this woman is.
At the same time some of my staff believe that I continue with keeping people at a distance because I'm afraid of getting hurt.. I'm afraid of what someone would do to me.. I've been hurt as I'm sure many people have..It's hard for me to trust, and/or believe that someone would stay with me... cause like so many others I have my own baggage, my own issues that I haven't dealt with.. it's hard to deal with those issues when I have trust issues.. the one woman I trusted she left the field an it's unimaginable of ever trying to replace her.. so here I am.. writing my heart out.. because its broken, and it makes me worry..
Is it really true.. Can we not find happiness? I know so many woman, men, married people.. who have gone through marriage, cheating, divorce, or people who were together for years and broke up, its a traitorous situation to ever be in... I always like the idea of just dating.. because I'd never have to get close to anyone, but i look around at the world, and people keep telling me were are people who crave companionship, connection, sense of belonging.
I'm too scared for all of that right now...
Through the years of my TV shows, my movies... it's rarely ever seen that happily ever after happens, cause that only happens in Disney movies.. the reality of the world is nothing lasts forever. but if nothing lasts forever does that mean friendships too?
I've had friends who've been in my life for longer than seven years, but is that forever? according to google it is.. but what if it's not? what if it's true we will all die alone, broken, bruised and bleeding. what if this is it..
I'm losing my mind. and I know it.. I wish i could stop watching TV.. but I can't cause script and TV is more real to me than people in my life.. I can't do anything but live a very complex life and I've been so comfortable with this life. I don't think I have room for reality, or relationships and after today. I don't think I want to do it. I'm so afraid of losing that... I can't lose that because that would hurt me more than anything ever could, and with that kind/type of brokenness I couldn't survive that, I'm really sorry! I pretend I'm strong, I pretend that I can handle anything but this.. I could not, and I know exactly how I'd react.. I can't chance that..
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Things aren't what they seem
Maybe I'm just crazy insane and the reality is that I have been through a lot, and so I guess in some ways I am stronger but in others I'm weaker, or more fragile. Someone can easily tip the balance of my greatness... an aklees heal or whatever that word is.
Today that was tested, and I'll tell you now... for the first time in a long time I was thinking of the end, thinking of the things that make what i'm going through easier. wanting so desperately to do something stupid because I was hurt.
I'm still trying to be ok with the fact that I am still standing,and my life is still what it was yesterday.
I guess as much as I'm cut out for this amazing life, in some ways I can see my talents wasting away, and for the first time I see my soul dying, things are so dark now a days. alls I want to do is get in my vehicle and drive, and maybe its time for that.. maybe I should go... away for a few days.
However Im also scared to be honest... scared because theres only one place I want to go.. and that's to my dad... it's been over 10 yrs since I showed up at my dads grave site... I guess it's time. But the best news on that note is my dad's mom (grandma) has given me permission to buy a headstone for my dad... from what i remember he only has a somewhat worn out cross.. it's been there for about 21 yrs. I'm grateful that she is allowing me to honour my father in this way.. I cannot describe how I feel about him, except that he was my hero and that should be enough for someone to recognize how much I loved him.
I guess I'm just sad today... it was terrible day, and going through it all alone.. Once upon a time about 3 or 4 years ago I had someone to talk too... But I'll tell you people deal with death in different ways, and I'll tell you i wanted my life to end, I pushed everyone that mattered to me away.. I closed all doors to people who were there for me... the only one that withstood my reign of terror of being completely broken was Robyn.. All these things I asked of her back than... I just wish I could honour her friendship, and her beauty and greatness as she has been a huge support in my life.
Anyway.. I don't have anyone today... And with the gossip and b.s of co-workers and staff and whoever else connected to that, there's always a fear it will get back to me.. so here I am being vague and expressing that today some bad memories uprose and I realized I'm a bit fragile.. and that I might have some more stuff I need to work on.
on a honest note a small part of me wishes I never came out of the dark places.. It was so much easier to be irresponsible, and easier to put a bottle in my hand, and a smoke in my mouth... rather than feeling what I feel right now, to be all tough and gangster because of the people I hung around. I see those same amazing people, still stuck in the life, and they come into my building... it breaks my heart and it reminds me why i need to be grateful I am where I am.. I just wish... I was more influential to those that are still in darkness.
Once upon time. In Ontario.. I was a bit ashamed at the colour of my skin, the history of my life. An one woman comes to mind, she approached me, got all up in my personal space and reached over with her hand to my chin, she said don't ever be ashamed, walk with grace, don't show them your fear when you look down. IDK I can't remember exactly but every time i catch myself looking down in some sort of shame, I hear her telling me to lift my head up. :) RIP my dear friend.
When can I have a break?
Today that was tested, and I'll tell you now... for the first time in a long time I was thinking of the end, thinking of the things that make what i'm going through easier. wanting so desperately to do something stupid because I was hurt.
I'm still trying to be ok with the fact that I am still standing,and my life is still what it was yesterday.
I guess as much as I'm cut out for this amazing life, in some ways I can see my talents wasting away, and for the first time I see my soul dying, things are so dark now a days. alls I want to do is get in my vehicle and drive, and maybe its time for that.. maybe I should go... away for a few days.
However Im also scared to be honest... scared because theres only one place I want to go.. and that's to my dad... it's been over 10 yrs since I showed up at my dads grave site... I guess it's time. But the best news on that note is my dad's mom (grandma) has given me permission to buy a headstone for my dad... from what i remember he only has a somewhat worn out cross.. it's been there for about 21 yrs. I'm grateful that she is allowing me to honour my father in this way.. I cannot describe how I feel about him, except that he was my hero and that should be enough for someone to recognize how much I loved him.
I guess I'm just sad today... it was terrible day, and going through it all alone.. Once upon a time about 3 or 4 years ago I had someone to talk too... But I'll tell you people deal with death in different ways, and I'll tell you i wanted my life to end, I pushed everyone that mattered to me away.. I closed all doors to people who were there for me... the only one that withstood my reign of terror of being completely broken was Robyn.. All these things I asked of her back than... I just wish I could honour her friendship, and her beauty and greatness as she has been a huge support in my life.
Anyway.. I don't have anyone today... And with the gossip and b.s of co-workers and staff and whoever else connected to that, there's always a fear it will get back to me.. so here I am being vague and expressing that today some bad memories uprose and I realized I'm a bit fragile.. and that I might have some more stuff I need to work on.
on a honest note a small part of me wishes I never came out of the dark places.. It was so much easier to be irresponsible, and easier to put a bottle in my hand, and a smoke in my mouth... rather than feeling what I feel right now, to be all tough and gangster because of the people I hung around. I see those same amazing people, still stuck in the life, and they come into my building... it breaks my heart and it reminds me why i need to be grateful I am where I am.. I just wish... I was more influential to those that are still in darkness.
Once upon time. In Ontario.. I was a bit ashamed at the colour of my skin, the history of my life. An one woman comes to mind, she approached me, got all up in my personal space and reached over with her hand to my chin, she said don't ever be ashamed, walk with grace, don't show them your fear when you look down. IDK I can't remember exactly but every time i catch myself looking down in some sort of shame, I hear her telling me to lift my head up. :) RIP my dear friend.
When can I have a break?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
New future
I didn't get to see the last time I posted on this blog.. I honestly don't think a lot of people have a lot to wanna hear about my life..
It's been a rollercoaster.. I'm completely lost that it's been 9 yrs since I moved back to BC... it's been 7 yrs since my life nearly ended, 7 yrs I thought was my longest friendship.. and than I realized the amazing friends in Ontario, have been my friends for 9 yrs and longer.. I'm very lucky and grateful.
I wish I could talk about whats happened.. in 7 yrs... it's still too much for me, but I must say above all things it still brings shame to my heart and soul knowing how foolish I was, how broken I was 7 yrs ago..
but to look in the mirror now.. I can't believe I made it! I can't believe I fit in the percentage of First Nation successful youth.. I expected it all to end at 18...
There are some definite hard realities to face that I can hardly talk about, the only description I can share is knowing full well that my life was damaged as a kid, as a teenager.. having every good thing sucked outta me, and to be ripped to pieces.. to the point of want it all to end and making a full proof (so I thought) plan to end it all.
Thank you to Betty, and Lindsay for believing in me! maybe it was God! maybe it was really a higher power! but for them to have influenced me so much that I moved across the country to get away from my demons and that promise to end my life.. I'm grateful
There isn't day that goes by... but I'm human and as such.. I regret living... I regret everything I've done since i was 18. If I hadn't moved away, if I had just been gone.. maybe all this turmoil wouldn't have happened, maybe my family and friends could've been better off? you know? it's a tough one.. I can't say what would've or could've been.
I'm supposed to be happy about my current life.. I spoke with my most trusted friend.. I told her.. how I blame myself for whats happened in my family.. and how if I hadn't been alive how they could've survived without me..
She thinks I'm crazy.. but the court of law has proof! I believe its 11 pages of proof that the damage done in my family..is the doing of me..
It's hard to get past..Maybe because of that past.. of not being able to forgive myself maybe that's why I ran away from believing in God, or the higher power.. because I couldn't accept his forgiveness because I can't forgive myself.
I have very little guidance from anyone these days... like any human we struggle everyday, and we each struggle with our own demons, our own what ifs, could haves.. it's often hard to come together and celebrate our friendship, celebrate what we have now.. because we focus so much on the past or future.. we don't see the present...
in 7 yrs.. I almost died, I survived, and from that survival I found Robyn my BFF, with that survival I found my job.. that I've had for nearly 6 yrs. that I am now the boss of... lol not CEO more like management. and with that management.. I see things a bit more clearer, and i also see that this job has my soul.. when people die.. I definitely feel that, an I like to try and honour them..
in 5 yrs.. I have gone through only one relationship, several dates, and several desires...
I currently feel like I've accomplished none of my goals.. but... I have about 10 yrs left in my life.. to accomplish flying to Germany to see my Schmetterling, and fly to New Orleans..
For now I'll focus on getting my Van fixed, and finding a new place to live..
Never lose hope... the light shines in the utmost darkness, I know because I've seen it, felt it's warmth!
Keep Moving Forward
Much Love
It's been a rollercoaster.. I'm completely lost that it's been 9 yrs since I moved back to BC... it's been 7 yrs since my life nearly ended, 7 yrs I thought was my longest friendship.. and than I realized the amazing friends in Ontario, have been my friends for 9 yrs and longer.. I'm very lucky and grateful.
I wish I could talk about whats happened.. in 7 yrs... it's still too much for me, but I must say above all things it still brings shame to my heart and soul knowing how foolish I was, how broken I was 7 yrs ago..
but to look in the mirror now.. I can't believe I made it! I can't believe I fit in the percentage of First Nation successful youth.. I expected it all to end at 18...
There are some definite hard realities to face that I can hardly talk about, the only description I can share is knowing full well that my life was damaged as a kid, as a teenager.. having every good thing sucked outta me, and to be ripped to pieces.. to the point of want it all to end and making a full proof (so I thought) plan to end it all.
Thank you to Betty, and Lindsay for believing in me! maybe it was God! maybe it was really a higher power! but for them to have influenced me so much that I moved across the country to get away from my demons and that promise to end my life.. I'm grateful
There isn't day that goes by... but I'm human and as such.. I regret living... I regret everything I've done since i was 18. If I hadn't moved away, if I had just been gone.. maybe all this turmoil wouldn't have happened, maybe my family and friends could've been better off? you know? it's a tough one.. I can't say what would've or could've been.
I'm supposed to be happy about my current life.. I spoke with my most trusted friend.. I told her.. how I blame myself for whats happened in my family.. and how if I hadn't been alive how they could've survived without me..
She thinks I'm crazy.. but the court of law has proof! I believe its 11 pages of proof that the damage done in my family..is the doing of me..
It's hard to get past..Maybe because of that past.. of not being able to forgive myself maybe that's why I ran away from believing in God, or the higher power.. because I couldn't accept his forgiveness because I can't forgive myself.
I have very little guidance from anyone these days... like any human we struggle everyday, and we each struggle with our own demons, our own what ifs, could haves.. it's often hard to come together and celebrate our friendship, celebrate what we have now.. because we focus so much on the past or future.. we don't see the present...
in 7 yrs.. I almost died, I survived, and from that survival I found Robyn my BFF, with that survival I found my job.. that I've had for nearly 6 yrs. that I am now the boss of... lol not CEO more like management. and with that management.. I see things a bit more clearer, and i also see that this job has my soul.. when people die.. I definitely feel that, an I like to try and honour them..
in 5 yrs.. I have gone through only one relationship, several dates, and several desires...
I currently feel like I've accomplished none of my goals.. but... I have about 10 yrs left in my life.. to accomplish flying to Germany to see my Schmetterling, and fly to New Orleans..
For now I'll focus on getting my Van fixed, and finding a new place to live..
Never lose hope... the light shines in the utmost darkness, I know because I've seen it, felt it's warmth!
Keep Moving Forward
Much Love
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Moving Forward
its insane that it's been 4 months since I started my new job... i must say I'm not enjoying the 13 hr days, but overall I feel that things are moving forward...Its very strange to look at my life in the last five years and see so much growth, so much experience... And recognizing how much I love my job, and I love the work that I do.
I'm excited about the future and I hope that if anything I can make good changes at work, that would be amazing, but I know because of the work I do... Sometimes things won't go the way I hope.
Other than work... I have my vehicle up and running, I'm hoping to do a test drive today, try a long distance drive and see if my vehicle can handle that. Its so strange.. my uncle RIP passed away two years ago, and in that two years... I started the process of my license and here I am with my own vehicle, and my job. I haven't had a lot of time for depression, and it's amazing...
However i can say I haven't had a lot of time for friends though either, and honestly I'd be able to count the amount of friends I have one on hand... just because I'm not the friendly trusting type. I believe that I am very guarded and that is what prevents me from great relationships. But with my job... I love about it is being able to connect with so many people and being able to meet them has been an amazing experience.
Other than work and friends... I have no idea... Its nearly May... and with that comes a bit of depression a bit of honesty of knowing what's happened and how my life has drastically changed.. I'm definitely not the same person I was back then.. but I'm still wounded by it all.. An worst off is that I don't have anyone i can confide in.. no one that would understand this pain so that makes it a bit difficult to bring it up with anyone...
Just Keep Moving Forward
I'm excited about the future and I hope that if anything I can make good changes at work, that would be amazing, but I know because of the work I do... Sometimes things won't go the way I hope.
Other than work... I have my vehicle up and running, I'm hoping to do a test drive today, try a long distance drive and see if my vehicle can handle that. Its so strange.. my uncle RIP passed away two years ago, and in that two years... I started the process of my license and here I am with my own vehicle, and my job. I haven't had a lot of time for depression, and it's amazing...
However i can say I haven't had a lot of time for friends though either, and honestly I'd be able to count the amount of friends I have one on hand... just because I'm not the friendly trusting type. I believe that I am very guarded and that is what prevents me from great relationships. But with my job... I love about it is being able to connect with so many people and being able to meet them has been an amazing experience.
Other than work and friends... I have no idea... Its nearly May... and with that comes a bit of depression a bit of honesty of knowing what's happened and how my life has drastically changed.. I'm definitely not the same person I was back then.. but I'm still wounded by it all.. An worst off is that I don't have anyone i can confide in.. no one that would understand this pain so that makes it a bit difficult to bring it up with anyone...
Just Keep Moving Forward
Saturday, December 19, 2015
I Love and Adore her
it's all in my head.. They continuously tell me! this is all in my head! My life being and feeling this good is all in my head! for the first time in my life! I'm not calling my friend and telling her I'm dying, for the first time I'm not CUTTING! I'm not thinking of dying!
For the first time! I feel like I can love someone, and be loved back! and yet it's all in my head! I've never felt so confident and so certain of how I feel, how she feels! And yet I keep being told... she's gonna hurt me! and even if she does... can't you just let me enjoy this? Enjoy being wanted, needed and adored? Maybe I'll find out the truth tomorrow... Maybe things will be straightened out... But maybe they won't? you never know maybe I'll be loved! Maybe I'll be cared for! Maybe I'll fall head over heels for this amazing woman?
It's been a VERY long time since my life has felt this! Since I've been able to wake up and be happy, wake up and feel happy to be alive, to be connected to my family and friends... I may have let people go... possibly because they carry that darkness that I once had with them.. and judge me for that! But other than that! to be able to have friends who believe in my greatness! Believe in me being amazing and shining like the sun!
I'm working full time! It took four and half years to become management... and so far it's a trial and error but overall I'm doing amazing! and I am proud of myself... pushing myself and learning to succeed!
I'm getting out there! I'm connecting with other people! everyone always told me that I'm a hermit, that I'm anti-social! and here I am making friends, connections left right and centre! I'm the boss! an as a boss, i'm reaching out and connecting with people! I have transformed dramatically from before.. and it's absolutely beautiful! and anyone in my life is lucky to have me! As I am lucky to have them!
I feel my love... I feel this ache in my heart! this yearning, desiring and wanting of this woman! when I speak about her! my heart and soul and my breath and everything about me... becomes crazy! I can describe the feeling!
It's honestly the same as anxiety... in the dictionary it's described as : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."
My heart begins to triple it's beat, my chest feels like it's closing, and I often cannot catch my breath! But I also cannot stop smiling, cannot stop myself from feeling immense happiness! I feel like for the first time I can actually change, and I can actually make a difference!
It's not just this woman! and the way I feel about her.. but my new position and the change I can make in my community at work! I can do so much! and I hope it all works out! an that I continue to move forward! my life just! is amazing! and I hope and pray tomorrow goes according to plan! and I hope it would SNOW! just this one day! it can turn to rain if it wants! but for the most part! Let it snow! please!
Thank you Universe! Thank you world for helping me move forward!
Much Love
For the first time! I feel like I can love someone, and be loved back! and yet it's all in my head! I've never felt so confident and so certain of how I feel, how she feels! And yet I keep being told... she's gonna hurt me! and even if she does... can't you just let me enjoy this? Enjoy being wanted, needed and adored? Maybe I'll find out the truth tomorrow... Maybe things will be straightened out... But maybe they won't? you never know maybe I'll be loved! Maybe I'll be cared for! Maybe I'll fall head over heels for this amazing woman?
It's been a VERY long time since my life has felt this! Since I've been able to wake up and be happy, wake up and feel happy to be alive, to be connected to my family and friends... I may have let people go... possibly because they carry that darkness that I once had with them.. and judge me for that! But other than that! to be able to have friends who believe in my greatness! Believe in me being amazing and shining like the sun!
I'm working full time! It took four and half years to become management... and so far it's a trial and error but overall I'm doing amazing! and I am proud of myself... pushing myself and learning to succeed!
I'm getting out there! I'm connecting with other people! everyone always told me that I'm a hermit, that I'm anti-social! and here I am making friends, connections left right and centre! I'm the boss! an as a boss, i'm reaching out and connecting with people! I have transformed dramatically from before.. and it's absolutely beautiful! and anyone in my life is lucky to have me! As I am lucky to have them!
I feel my love... I feel this ache in my heart! this yearning, desiring and wanting of this woman! when I speak about her! my heart and soul and my breath and everything about me... becomes crazy! I can describe the feeling!
It's honestly the same as anxiety... in the dictionary it's described as : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."
My heart begins to triple it's beat, my chest feels like it's closing, and I often cannot catch my breath! But I also cannot stop smiling, cannot stop myself from feeling immense happiness! I feel like for the first time I can actually change, and I can actually make a difference!
It's not just this woman! and the way I feel about her.. but my new position and the change I can make in my community at work! I can do so much! and I hope it all works out! an that I continue to move forward! my life just! is amazing! and I hope and pray tomorrow goes according to plan! and I hope it would SNOW! just this one day! it can turn to rain if it wants! but for the most part! Let it snow! please!
Thank you Universe! Thank you world for helping me move forward!
Much Love
Monday, December 14, 2015
Keep Moving Forward
The new beginning once again!!! Unbelievable how this has all come together! I feel like I gave up on school a year ago which is VERY true! but in giving up on school I focused on work, I committed myself to this job that I love to do! And it all paid off! I am now the boss of the place I was hired to work almost five years ago... So that's pretty incredible!
How much I have transformed, how much I have truly stepped away from whatever brokenness I have faced in the past year, to truly be ok! Imagine that! and the people i most wanted to share that with turned out to not understand my heart and soul.. or even... to be people who supported me and not brought me down! How much this was always where I wanted to be! Maybe not this job! But finally to be in a place where I'm not wondering about drinking, cutting, or doing drugs.. where I'm actually content with myself.. and that I don't need someone to guarantee me to be whole...
I'm finally in a place where I don't need someone to complete me! I'm finally in a place where I don't need to please someone, where I don't need someone to keep myself alive.. It has taken me YEARS to get here... and yet those I had hoped would be happy for me are not happy.. and are distant and not even really there... When I used to talk about letting go of those I loved...I never expected this to feel this way... and although that is a Pearce sharp pain penetrating my heart... I am moving forward! I am moving on! Because I'm FINALLY able to live for me and not anyone else!
For the first time in my life! I am not crying myself to sleep, I'm finally not clinging onto people to survive! My only sadness and regret that I might be feeling is that those that helped me through the dark times are gone... that i guess it's that time! The time that I must let go of the people who lifted my heart and soul... Imagine that...Its almost like their a constant reminder of the pain and suffering that helped carry me to where I am... and maybe thats why we aren't friends or connected we used to be... But not matter the road ahead... I have her PERMANENTLY tattooed on my arm to remind me that she was there once upon a time..
I can't even begin to describe the truth to my words... to describe that finally for the first time in my life! I am not waiting for the bottom to drop out, I'm not scared of being happy! Im actually happy and content! my mama is proud of me.. she has always been proud of me, but this is different! this is me accomplishing my goals, this is me... being a boss! So far its fantastic!
My future finally is revealed like I feel like its tangible.. I can actually see it! when it was one year ago! I couldn't imagine a future, I wanted it all to end! I had all my passwords and my suicide letter all that was ready to go! I was ready to end it all.. I don't think anyone could imagine what it feels like to actually wake up and not want to die....
I'm still ashamed of the person i was a year ago, I'm still sad that these scars will NEVER heal.. But I am also learning to accept them.. I feel like I am ashamed sometimes but not as extreme.. you know like learning to talk about them and let people know about them.
I have to go! Ranting and Raving and my friend with and F won't stop texting me... which is awesomely distracting!
MUCH LOVE!
How much I have transformed, how much I have truly stepped away from whatever brokenness I have faced in the past year, to truly be ok! Imagine that! and the people i most wanted to share that with turned out to not understand my heart and soul.. or even... to be people who supported me and not brought me down! How much this was always where I wanted to be! Maybe not this job! But finally to be in a place where I'm not wondering about drinking, cutting, or doing drugs.. where I'm actually content with myself.. and that I don't need someone to guarantee me to be whole...
I'm finally in a place where I don't need someone to complete me! I'm finally in a place where I don't need to please someone, where I don't need someone to keep myself alive.. It has taken me YEARS to get here... and yet those I had hoped would be happy for me are not happy.. and are distant and not even really there... When I used to talk about letting go of those I loved...I never expected this to feel this way... and although that is a Pearce sharp pain penetrating my heart... I am moving forward! I am moving on! Because I'm FINALLY able to live for me and not anyone else!
For the first time in my life! I am not crying myself to sleep, I'm finally not clinging onto people to survive! My only sadness and regret that I might be feeling is that those that helped me through the dark times are gone... that i guess it's that time! The time that I must let go of the people who lifted my heart and soul... Imagine that...Its almost like their a constant reminder of the pain and suffering that helped carry me to where I am... and maybe thats why we aren't friends or connected we used to be... But not matter the road ahead... I have her PERMANENTLY tattooed on my arm to remind me that she was there once upon a time..
I can't even begin to describe the truth to my words... to describe that finally for the first time in my life! I am not waiting for the bottom to drop out, I'm not scared of being happy! Im actually happy and content! my mama is proud of me.. she has always been proud of me, but this is different! this is me accomplishing my goals, this is me... being a boss! So far its fantastic!
My future finally is revealed like I feel like its tangible.. I can actually see it! when it was one year ago! I couldn't imagine a future, I wanted it all to end! I had all my passwords and my suicide letter all that was ready to go! I was ready to end it all.. I don't think anyone could imagine what it feels like to actually wake up and not want to die....
I'm still ashamed of the person i was a year ago, I'm still sad that these scars will NEVER heal.. But I am also learning to accept them.. I feel like I am ashamed sometimes but not as extreme.. you know like learning to talk about them and let people know about them.
I have to go! Ranting and Raving and my friend with and F won't stop texting me... which is awesomely distracting!
MUCH LOVE!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
New Beginning yet again!
For what seems the first time in a long time... I actually have done something different... It's always been said that reflecting on the past helps you see where you have come from... Learning from my own history...
However if I told you my past; apparently six years ago it is no different than now... except that I am alone.. Compared to my crazy wild youth days I'm now free from that kind of destruction...
It's hard to explain that it's been six years... since I destroyed my life.. Need an explanation well lets see... Six years ago I ended up in the hospital with what seemed like life threatening wound.. I woke up in the hospital with 34 stitches in my left arm, I was hand cuffed to the bed.. I had to see a plastic surgeon because I was so dumb I almost needed plastic surgery...
Can you imagine! I couldn't believe what had happened, and I asked the nurse what happened... and it was the worst thing to hear that I had done this to myself...Only then when she had said that I realize that I had finished work the day before and I had about 100 Siegen Angled Razor Scraper Short in my back pocket, I had just gotten paid, and I was trying to impress some people that I thought were friends... Instead I ended up alone, scared to death of the damage that had been done...
I look back on that day... I'll say this I know what happened I know what lead up to my slicing my arm within an inch of my main artery to my heart... I was saved from killing myself... People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you get up, you have to fall down seven times and get up eight... But this... Me almost killing myself to the point of no return, to the point that I was blacked out! I don't remember any of it... Except to now have to live the rest of my life with this scar!
I reflect back on this day... It reminds me that I don't always surround myself with healthy people, that I don't always need to be drinking and trying to impress people... The fact that I have survived for over twenty years is survival enough. I shouldn't ever have to impress people with drinking, drugs, or even money... I have lived through tragedy! I have survived two deaths in my family, I have found my soul mate... and the best part of my soul mate... is that she's not my lover, she is my best friend..
for me to have found someone I could confide in, someone who has seen me through hell and back, someone who seen this light within me before I did, someone who was there when all other failed me... She has loved me unconditionally and she has been in my life for six years! She knows me more than anyone, and she was with me in my darkness, she continuously helped me in my time of need.
I am grateful everyday for this woman!
My way of celebrating and paying tribute to the things I have survived! IS only one way! to make sure I do something spectacular! ANOTHER TATTOO! Not just any! But one! To get the Phoenix tattoo on my arm, above the scar! Because I never want to hide the scar, I never want to be ashamed of this scar!
It is "THROUGH THE ASHES I RISE"
This phoenix will be my symbol that I have survived, this is my constant reminder that I am moving forward, that it's possible to rise from the ashes!
Happy New Year readers!
However if I told you my past; apparently six years ago it is no different than now... except that I am alone.. Compared to my crazy wild youth days I'm now free from that kind of destruction...
It's hard to explain that it's been six years... since I destroyed my life.. Need an explanation well lets see... Six years ago I ended up in the hospital with what seemed like life threatening wound.. I woke up in the hospital with 34 stitches in my left arm, I was hand cuffed to the bed.. I had to see a plastic surgeon because I was so dumb I almost needed plastic surgery...
Can you imagine! I couldn't believe what had happened, and I asked the nurse what happened... and it was the worst thing to hear that I had done this to myself...Only then when she had said that I realize that I had finished work the day before and I had about 100 Siegen Angled Razor Scraper Short in my back pocket, I had just gotten paid, and I was trying to impress some people that I thought were friends... Instead I ended up alone, scared to death of the damage that had been done...
I look back on that day... I'll say this I know what happened I know what lead up to my slicing my arm within an inch of my main artery to my heart... I was saved from killing myself... People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you get up, you have to fall down seven times and get up eight... But this... Me almost killing myself to the point of no return, to the point that I was blacked out! I don't remember any of it... Except to now have to live the rest of my life with this scar!
I reflect back on this day... It reminds me that I don't always surround myself with healthy people, that I don't always need to be drinking and trying to impress people... The fact that I have survived for over twenty years is survival enough. I shouldn't ever have to impress people with drinking, drugs, or even money... I have lived through tragedy! I have survived two deaths in my family, I have found my soul mate... and the best part of my soul mate... is that she's not my lover, she is my best friend..
for me to have found someone I could confide in, someone who has seen me through hell and back, someone who seen this light within me before I did, someone who was there when all other failed me... She has loved me unconditionally and she has been in my life for six years! She knows me more than anyone, and she was with me in my darkness, she continuously helped me in my time of need.
I am grateful everyday for this woman!
My way of celebrating and paying tribute to the things I have survived! IS only one way! to make sure I do something spectacular! ANOTHER TATTOO! Not just any! But one! To get the Phoenix tattoo on my arm, above the scar! Because I never want to hide the scar, I never want to be ashamed of this scar!
It is "THROUGH THE ASHES I RISE"
This phoenix will be my symbol that I have survived, this is my constant reminder that I am moving forward, that it's possible to rise from the ashes!
Happy New Year readers!
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