it's all in my head.. They continuously tell me! this is all in my head! My life being and feeling this good is all in my head! for the first time in my life! I'm not calling my friend and telling her I'm dying, for the first time I'm not CUTTING! I'm not thinking of dying!
For the first time! I feel like I can love someone, and be loved back! and yet it's all in my head! I've never felt so confident and so certain of how I feel, how she feels! And yet I keep being told... she's gonna hurt me! and even if she does... can't you just let me enjoy this? Enjoy being wanted, needed and adored? Maybe I'll find out the truth tomorrow... Maybe things will be straightened out... But maybe they won't? you never know maybe I'll be loved! Maybe I'll be cared for! Maybe I'll fall head over heels for this amazing woman?
It's been a VERY long time since my life has felt this! Since I've been able to wake up and be happy, wake up and feel happy to be alive, to be connected to my family and friends... I may have let people go... possibly because they carry that darkness that I once had with them.. and judge me for that! But other than that! to be able to have friends who believe in my greatness! Believe in me being amazing and shining like the sun!
I'm working full time! It took four and half years to become management... and so far it's a trial and error but overall I'm doing amazing! and I am proud of myself... pushing myself and learning to succeed!
I'm getting out there! I'm connecting with other people! everyone always told me that I'm a hermit, that I'm anti-social! and here I am making friends, connections left right and centre! I'm the boss! an as a boss, i'm reaching out and connecting with people! I have transformed dramatically from before.. and it's absolutely beautiful! and anyone in my life is lucky to have me! As I am lucky to have them!
I feel my love... I feel this ache in my heart! this yearning, desiring and wanting of this woman! when I speak about her! my heart and soul and my breath and everything about me... becomes crazy! I can describe the feeling!
It's honestly the same as anxiety... in the dictionary it's described as : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."
My heart begins to triple it's beat, my chest feels like it's closing, and I often cannot catch my breath! But I also cannot stop smiling, cannot stop myself from feeling immense happiness! I feel like for the first time I can actually change, and I can actually make a difference!
It's not just this woman! and the way I feel about her.. but my new position and the change I can make in my community at work! I can do so much! and I hope it all works out! an that I continue to move forward! my life just! is amazing! and I hope and pray tomorrow goes according to plan! and I hope it would SNOW! just this one day! it can turn to rain if it wants! but for the most part! Let it snow! please!
Thank you Universe! Thank you world for helping me move forward!