Monday, December 14, 2015

Keep Moving Forward

The  new beginning once again!!! Unbelievable how this has all come together! I feel like I gave up on school a year ago which is VERY true! but in giving up on school I focused on work, I committed myself to this job that I love to do! And it all paid off! I am now the boss of the place I was hired to work almost five years ago... So that's pretty incredible!
How much I have transformed, how much I have truly stepped away from whatever brokenness I have faced in the past year, to truly be ok! Imagine that! and the people i most wanted to share that with turned out to not understand my heart and soul.. or even... to be people who supported me and not brought me down! How much this was always where I wanted to be! Maybe not this job! But finally to be in a place where I'm not wondering about drinking, cutting, or doing drugs.. where I'm actually content with myself.. and that I don't need someone to guarantee me to be whole...
I'm finally in a place where I don't need someone to complete me! I'm finally in a place where I don't need to please someone, where I don't need someone to keep myself alive.. It has taken me YEARS to get here... and yet those I had hoped would be happy for me are not happy.. and are distant and not even really there... When I used to talk about letting go of those I loved...I never expected this to feel this way... and although that is a Pearce sharp pain penetrating my heart... I am moving forward! I am moving on! Because I'm FINALLY able to live for me and not anyone else!

For the first time in my life! I am not crying myself to sleep, I'm finally not clinging onto people to survive! My only sadness and regret that I might be feeling is that those that helped me through the dark times are gone... that i guess it's that time! The time that I must let go of the people who lifted my heart and soul... Imagine that...Its almost like their a constant reminder of the pain and suffering that helped carry me to where I am... and maybe thats why we aren't friends or connected we used to be... But not matter the road ahead... I have her PERMANENTLY tattooed on my arm to remind me that she was there once upon a time..

I can't even begin to describe the truth to my words... to describe that finally for the first time in my life! I am not waiting for the bottom to drop out, I'm not scared of being happy! Im actually happy and content! my mama is proud of me.. she has always been proud of me, but this is different! this is me accomplishing my goals, this is me... being a boss! So far its fantastic!

My future finally is revealed like I feel like its tangible.. I can actually see it! when it was one year ago! I couldn't imagine a future, I wanted it all to end! I had all my passwords and my suicide letter all that was ready to go! I was ready to end it all.. I don't think anyone could imagine what it feels like to actually wake up and not want to die....

I'm still ashamed of the person i was a year ago, I'm still sad that these scars will NEVER heal.. But I am also learning to accept them.. I feel like I am ashamed sometimes but not as extreme.. you know like learning to talk about them and let people know about them.
I have to go! Ranting and Raving and my friend with and F won't stop texting me... which is awesomely distracting!


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