I Love and Adore her

it's all in my head.. They continuously tell me! this is all in my head! My life being and feeling this good is all in my head! for the first time in my life! I'm not calling my friend and telling her I'm dying, for the first time I'm not CUTTING! I'm not thinking of dying!
For the first time! I feel like I can love someone, and be loved back! and yet it's all in my head! I've never felt so confident and so certain of how I feel, how she feels! And yet I keep being told... she's gonna hurt me! and even if she does... can't you just let me enjoy this? Enjoy being wanted, needed and adored? Maybe I'll find out the truth tomorrow... Maybe things will be straightened out... But maybe they won't? you never know maybe I'll be loved! Maybe I'll be cared for! Maybe I'll fall head over heels for this amazing woman?

It's been a VERY long time since my life has felt this! Since I've been able to wake up and be happy, wake up and feel happy to be alive, to be connected to my family and friends... I may have let people go... possibly because they carry that darkness that I once had with them.. and judge me for that! But other than that! to be able to have friends who believe in my greatness! Believe in me being amazing and shining like the sun!

I'm working full time! It took four and half years to become management... and so far it's a trial and error but overall I'm doing amazing! and I am proud of myself... pushing myself and learning to succeed!
I'm getting out there! I'm connecting with other people! everyone always told me that I'm a hermit, that I'm anti-social! and here I am making friends, connections left right and centre! I'm the boss! an as a boss, i'm reaching out and connecting with people! I have transformed dramatically from before.. and it's absolutely beautiful! and anyone in my life is lucky to have me! As I am lucky to have them!

I feel my love... I feel this ache in my heart! this yearning, desiring and wanting of this woman! when I speak about her! my heart and soul and my breath and everything about me... becomes crazy! I can describe the feeling!
It's honestly the same as anxiety... in the dictionary it's described as : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."
My heart begins to triple it's beat, my chest feels like it's closing, and I often cannot catch my breath! But I also cannot stop smiling, cannot stop myself from feeling immense happiness! I feel like for the first time I can actually change, and I can actually make a difference!
It's not just this woman! and the way I feel about her.. but my new position and the change I can make in my community at work! I can do so much! and I hope it all works out! an that I continue to move forward! my life just! is amazing! and I hope and pray tomorrow goes according to plan! and I hope it would SNOW! just this one day! it can turn to rain if it wants! but for the most part! Let it snow! please!


Thank you Universe! Thank you world for helping me move forward! 

Much Love

Keep Moving Forward

The  new beginning once again!!! Unbelievable how this has all come together! I feel like I gave up on school a year ago which is VERY true! but in giving up on school I focused on work, I committed myself to this job that I love to do! And it all paid off! I am now the boss of the place I was hired to work almost five years ago... So that's pretty incredible!
How much I have transformed, how much I have truly stepped away from whatever brokenness I have faced in the past year, to truly be ok! Imagine that! and the people i most wanted to share that with turned out to not understand my heart and soul.. or even... to be people who supported me and not brought me down! How much this was always where I wanted to be! Maybe not this job! But finally to be in a place where I'm not wondering about drinking, cutting, or doing drugs.. where I'm actually content with myself.. and that I don't need someone to guarantee me to be whole...
I'm finally in a place where I don't need someone to complete me! I'm finally in a place where I don't need to please someone, where I don't need someone to keep myself alive.. It has taken me YEARS to get here... and yet those I had hoped would be happy for me are not happy.. and are distant and not even really there... When I used to talk about letting go of those I loved...I never expected this to feel this way... and although that is a Pearce sharp pain penetrating my heart... I am moving forward! I am moving on! Because I'm FINALLY able to live for me and not anyone else!

For the first time in my life! I am not crying myself to sleep, I'm finally not clinging onto people to survive! My only sadness and regret that I might be feeling is that those that helped me through the dark times are gone... that i guess it's that time! The time that I must let go of the people who lifted my heart and soul... Imagine that...Its almost like their a constant reminder of the pain and suffering that helped carry me to where I am... and maybe thats why we aren't friends or connected we used to be... But not matter the road ahead... I have her PERMANENTLY tattooed on my arm to remind me that she was there once upon a time..

I can't even begin to describe the truth to my words... to describe that finally for the first time in my life! I am not waiting for the bottom to drop out, I'm not scared of being happy! Im actually happy and content! my mama is proud of me.. she has always been proud of me, but this is different! this is me accomplishing my goals, this is me... being a boss! So far its fantastic!

My future finally is revealed like I feel like its tangible.. I can actually see it! when it was one year ago! I couldn't imagine a future, I wanted it all to end! I had all my passwords and my suicide letter all that was ready to go! I was ready to end it all.. I don't think anyone could imagine what it feels like to actually wake up and not want to die....

I'm still ashamed of the person i was a year ago, I'm still sad that these scars will NEVER heal.. But I am also learning to accept them.. I feel like I am ashamed sometimes but not as extreme.. you know like learning to talk about them and let people know about them.
I have to go! Ranting and Raving and my friend with and F won't stop texting me... which is awesomely distracting!

MUCH LOVE!

New Beginning yet again!

For what seems the first time in a long time... I actually have done something different... It's always been said that reflecting on the past helps you see where you have come from... Learning from my own history...
However if I told you my past; apparently six years ago it is no different than now... except that I am alone.. Compared to my crazy wild youth days I'm now free from that kind of destruction...
It's hard to explain that it's been six years... since I destroyed my life.. Need an explanation well lets see... Six years ago I ended up in the hospital with what seemed like life threatening wound.. I woke up in the hospital with 34 stitches in my left arm, I was hand cuffed to the bed.. I had to see a plastic surgeon because I was so dumb I almost needed plastic surgery...
Can you imagine! I couldn't believe what had happened, and I asked the nurse what happened... and it was the worst thing to hear that I had done this to myself...Only then when she had said that I realize that I had finished work the day before and I had about 100 Siegen Angled Razor Scraper Short in my back pocket, I had just gotten paid, and I was trying to impress some people that I thought were friends... Instead I ended up alone, scared to death of the damage that had been done...

I look back on that day... I'll say this I know what happened I know what lead up to my slicing my arm within an inch of my main artery to my heart... I was saved from killing myself... People always say you have to hit rock bottom before you get up, you have to fall down seven times and get up eight... But this... Me almost killing myself to the point of no return, to the point that I was blacked out! I don't remember any of it... Except to now have to live the rest of my life with this scar!

I reflect back on this day... It reminds me that I don't always surround myself with healthy people, that I don't always need to be drinking and trying to impress people... The fact that I have survived for over twenty years is survival enough. I shouldn't ever have to impress people with drinking, drugs, or even money... I have lived through tragedy! I have survived two deaths in my family, I have found my soul mate... and the best part of my soul mate... is that she's not my lover, she is my best friend..

for me to have found someone I could confide in, someone who has seen me through hell and back, someone who seen this light within me before I did, someone who was there when all other failed me... She has loved me unconditionally and she has been in my life for six years! She knows me more than anyone, and she was with me in my darkness, she continuously helped me in my time of need.
I am grateful everyday for this woman!

My way of celebrating and paying tribute to the things I have survived! IS only one way! to make sure I do something spectacular! ANOTHER TATTOO! Not just any! But one! To get the Phoenix tattoo on my arm, above the scar! Because I never want to hide the scar, I never want to be ashamed of this scar!
It is "THROUGH THE ASHES I RISE"

This phoenix will be my symbol that I have survived, this is my constant reminder that I am moving forward, that it's possible to rise from the ashes!

Happy New Year readers!

painful history

It's been six months since I've dealt with grief.. I'll tell you now that I don't like the idea of going through these circumstances...
My uncle passed away and I must say his death shattered my life...I couldn't focus and I didn't care about school anymore....
I failed one of my exams, I actually failed it twice..

Dealing with Grief is never easy and I failed miserably or I was normal?

I thought about Death, thought about dying.. I thought that it would have been easier to let go then keep trying to hold on? I felt like I was holding on by a thread and more and more everyday I felt my heart and soul caving into the beast of burden that had been buried some time ago..
It took every ounce of my strength which there was none... To get up... To find hope? to find a future worth living..

My uncle was under the impression I was going to school... No scratch that My uncle knew I was going to the best school in B.C.... So for me to have failed that.. I was hurting...
I felt like a failure, I felt beat... There was no more future for me..

You know how when in death..when dealing with Death all your close friends and family come to you and help you stay afloat? That didn't happen... I became and sunk into darkness... more and more everyday it was hard to get up, hard to go to work, hard to talk to people... It was hard to tell people that I lost him, that he was gone..

I'm not sure when it began or if I'm back to living... I'm completely alone... my closest friends have almost given up on me... I couldn't blame them... I spent six months talking about ending my life, talking about being consumed by darkness... I talked about how hurt I was, how many times I had harmed myself..
So even in my own darkness, even in spite of scars, my pain and torture... I guess like a Caterpillar that must hibernate to become a butterfly... like a phoenix that rises from ashes...

Here I am... Once again... It took that darkness for me to see why its so important for me to move on, never forget my uncle and his greatness...but to know that...my life was not meant to end because his did...
I may have lost all that I love and value...but my heart and soul are intact I will find my way...

I have applied at another school, and I am pressing forward to my greatness... I keep my hope and faith that even in brokenness there will always be hope for my future... That the dreams and aspirations I have will one day be real, and I will hopefully be content with my life.

Much Love

this time its hurting

The idea of my life being built up to such a greatness, such a power of will... such a desire to change the world and change myself.
I have been shattered all too many times, I have been in moments of despair too many times... I am being a child, stubborn, refusing help, refusing to have common sense. I am struggling with my uncle being in the hospital, I am struggling to see my family and see the distance we have all created, I am troubled at the idea that we are supposed to be in this together, families come together in times of crisis and here is my family.... Separate, distant and not talking, not comforting one another.
If I told them what was truly in my heart maybe they would hear me, maybe they would see me or want to know me.
I'm scared...of myself, scared of my current state of mind, scared of my emotions, and scared to reach out for help. I cannot focus, I cannot sleep, I cannot write, and I cannot feel my heart and it's cries.


I don't know why this sickness, this illness hurts me so much... My uncle is getting older, he is feeling pain and he shouldn't suffer... I feel like I want him to live, I want him to survive to hopefully find purpose, reason for existing... Anything but what he's feeling...let him find hope, let him find happiness.
This has been a difficult time for me...and I haven't been able to turn to the proper supports, and I'm allowing my own thoughts and problems, my moments of despair envelope me and soon I know if I don't say anything...The darkness will continue and all that I've worked for to be happy, to feel joy, to feel love....It will all go away an I don't want to return to the person I used to be.. I don't want to let go of hope but I'm struggling right now..

an infinite possibility

I feel like Im losing my mind with the endless thoughts that are currently flowing through my head and if I avoid writing it down than I'll continue to think, continuing to think makes me a mad woman, so I'll write what Im thinking in hopes it will help slow my mind down to the present.
The world has been a dysfuntional place for me, a world of laughter, fun, and lots of people.. I feel like I get anxiety just thinking of standing in a crowd.. To be shuved or pushed aside, or thrown down, or to have my pockets tampered with etc.. I'll lose myself in thoughts of many things .
I dont know what to say what is appropriate.. I'm coming up to a two year anniversary in my relationship that has been exillerating and intriguing... Being put in a comfortable position of always relying on us being together, or relying on us at all.. The truth of the matter is... Right down to the grits of it.. Im not sure what I am doing.. Weeks ago we broke up, weeks ago I was supposed to go away and let this all go.. To say goodbye to this life I've been living for sometime now..
and yet here I am still here... Still working...still paying bills, and still sleeping in the same bed.

I need an escape.. I need a place, I need a thing, I need a hobby, I need a friend. FML is what I currently am feeling..
I haven't given up my blade but havent had any reason to use it as I've been surviving with my outlet of a counselor.. But than for weeks now I've been without that counselor, without the structure of a counselor and I finally cried out for that today... Thankfully it'll happen this week...

How do we make friends? I have co-workers at work there are few that I enjoy talking to or hanging with, but I've kept my life private, kept my conversations short, avoided the reality of letting them see what kind of person I truly am.
So than what do I have??? Family.. Actually not really.. I've taken on my partners family before my own and have somewhat enjoyed it...But even than still alone.

I was told to go to school for writing as this is my passion this is what I enjoy doing..but this is my passion if i go to school for this again I may very well lose my passion for writing..

What can I do? who can I confide in?

How do I speak the words that are deep within me in a way that hurts no one at all. to be honest about everything I am currently facing and to be able to share these hearts desire and share my thoughts withuot judgement.. To be alive for even one day... I may even smile

No Other Love

Repeatidly for about four hours I have been listening to "No other Love" by Heart...

If you hear it than you'll understand where Im at right now...

Im struggling with my life, and all that matters to me... Giving up on myself and the greatness I have become.. My older sister shattered all my hopes of a great wonderful weekend with family.. The one amazing thing I had to look forward too...And it was because we had a disagreement about enabling addiction.. This is one thing I have been against forever!! I will never support people who use the money I have for their drinking, drugs or anything of the sort! I will not enable an addiction!
My sister disagrees as she often would because my mom enabled her to be those addictions she once had..
It broke my heart!!!
I have been completely unravelled!! Everything about my mom, my family and everything has been undone! I feel like Im disowned, an orphan even.. My family got so angry with me for the things I told in confidence to my idiot sister!! Something that will take me years to forgive her for!
If this horrible story isn't enough.. After all of this! i got into an argument with my Partner who in turn left me! I feel like Im losing my damn mind with all of this! I mean everything that I have worked so hard for!
And yet I fail every moment I breath! I say I wanna live a good life, I say i wanna be better! I say all this garbage that isn't even coming to pass! Im a coward! Im a fool and I am utterly and sadly alone.. So what do I do when I feel this way??>??? I go back to old habits! I wish I could say it was drinking that was my old demon but sadly not even close!
I have gone back to resorting to cutting! The one demon, the one darkness that had so weakened me, the one thing that so utterly burdened me... The one thing I cannot seem to let go of! from this crappy cutting has come the crappy thoughts, the door to the beast has been opened, and everything I believed in is now falling apart and Im failing!
I feel like if someone even breathed on me I would break down and cry, I feel like if someone asked me if Im ok my heart would literally shatter to pieces. I have made myself into a fool! And Im ashamed of all the choices that have led up to those cutting..
What to do? What to do?
How do I make it out of this darkness that is so enveloping me into a person i thought I left behind.. Im scared because I have no one to turn too, no one... I have the wee bit of strength within me just to talk about it and cannot let it go...
Im scared..Im terrified and Im worried about what choices will come from this darkness thats not wrapping its filthy claws around me....

I can only hope... wish.. and desire for a better tomorrow...as I cry myself to sleep, as I put on this facade that is so easily see through... I try my best to pretend this darkness doesnt exist...