survived it

I cant say everything that happened. But I know a lot of how I was. Was based on the power today hold. I'm struggling. I'm in a phase where I really miss being disconnected. Today someone posted a picture. Of a family gathering and my heart shattered. So much happened. So much happened. That was terrible an painful an stuff we don't talk about.

And I reacted. I feel. Overwhelmed guilt. Remembering thr judge say this was my fault. I want to go back and say hell no. Couldn't be my fault. How dare a judge believe this was my fault. 

I feel crappy. An I need this day to be over. Everything today was painful an I didn't tell anyone. An i did what I always do. And I cant even compare it to what it felt like. How familiar it was. An how release-ful it was. Idk I'm losing my mind I guess. And it is true a picture is worth a thousand words.  One picture. Destroyed my heart today 

days

For real.. of all days crappy days in my life. I have moments. Flash backs. To when my kid was younger. His smile. I taught him to stick out his tongue when taking pictures and those are my favorite. I'm always grateful that I am here for him.

Of all things that I've survived. All memories that fade from time to time. I still get to be reminded of the love this kid has for me. I try to prepare him for anything and everything. Still get to share stories... what it was like to grow up without food. Without love. And my kid gets both in abundance. I had started this routine with him to ensure we always start the day right. I try so often to check myself. To not yell. Not demand. To hurry up. Or move it. We just go at our pace. He does better and better.  But randomly at different times. He always says I'm scared your going to get mad at me. Even when it's an accident.  I dont even get mad. I just say clean it up. Shit can always be cleaned up. Dishes can be replaced. Clothes can be washed. I dont care about those things. But his self esteem still goes to I dont want you to get mad at me. And its hard for me to remember when I've gotten mad at him. What does his type of me mad at him that he thinks that ? Cause I dont raise my voice. I dont have facial expression. My face is the same always. Some people can express themselves thro facial through words. Through whatever.

For me I have to remind myself. Repeatedly. 

 Because for real its not my normal. Not my normal life to hold my kids hand. To say I Love You. To show love at all. Yeah I'm crazy

 But I was raised so shady. Parents in heavy addiction. Even as a teenager I ran away alot. I had a suicide pact with my childhood best friend. My life was garbage I had no desire to live.

My bitch face is my signature look of... me. Unapproachable psycho who absolutely wants to snap at every turn. Lol but I'm trying to raise this young kid. To love him. Fill him with all I did not have. But at the same time. 

I just want to raise this kid. To be good. To be strong. To be powerful to know. He can finish school an college wne change the world. 

Idk

We all want that. But we never know.

Of all days. Today's

Today. Is the day. Today is the day something happened that hurt my heart. Shattered my world.  And I usually want to climb mountains. Sit beside the ocean.

But today I came to work because I am not the person I was. I've grown. I've grown to accept. I am a failure. I am a screw up. I have made bad choices. I cant change what happened. I cant be better. I can be me. And wake up every morning. Appreciating this kid in my life. 

I appreciate the people in my life. 

I wanted to take this moment... as I do. 

To honor what happened. But to also. Say I'm ok. I know for me I did what was best for me. And I never forget what happened. But I live my life. I appreciate thr people who are with me. Who have stood by me. 

So much I dont deserve. So much I've done to hurt some people. But the people who are standing with me now. Are my people of greatness. 

Idk. 

We are here. I am still here. 

Moving Forward. 

the times.

So much rolling in my mind... something inside me is broken. I have spent my life basically trying to destroy myself. 

I cant even count on one hand how many times I went so low to almost ending it. An couple of those times nearly succeeded. I had some great supports in my life. Real life heros. That I recognize now that were only there for a short period of time. Recently I asked a friend from my teenage years. I asked her why she knocked on my door that day. Why that neighborhood. I loved her response. She wasn't meant to just sit in church but to actual show love to the community.  I just happened to be in. But that door knock introduced me to a love I had never known. In real life a love that even love itself was love. To have spent the previous 12 or 14 years in darkness an pain. An to have someone random woman knock on my door introduced me to beauty. Pure love. Etx. I realize now I was searching for love. Once I had it in church in Jesus. I needed it. Like a drug. Something so simple that maybe majority of people recognize as love. I did not know. I remember when I was a bit older. When I moved to Ontario. Was the hardest thing I had ever done. But Betty Spence ensured it would happen and that id not fulfill my vow. I made a pack with one of my childhood friends. Because our lives were garbage. Our lives were horrible. She was telling me that her father was abusing her. And I was trying to save her. We had a pack to commit suicide together. Cause our lives were pain. Torment. Sadness and we thought we only had each other.  But it was one of those things. From analogy from the guardian.

Drowning victim clung to his wife drowning her out of pure instinct to not die. Not caring for anyone.

When I was young. I cared for my friends. An I wanted to save them. But I was drowning too. I was in my own turmoil at home. And I was hurting 

When i finally confessed to Betty my plans. She changed my life.

(It changed my life but it destroyed everyone who counted on me. They thought I abandoned them. Cause they didn't know i was planning to commit suicide) idk if they even know that to this day.

She sent me to NLGH. 

I tried to stay in Ontario. I did finish school. I was planning on getting married. An building a life with someone. And just every good thing that I deserved was finally coming to life. Finally all my hard work. All My devotion.

Until I got told the truth. Here in BC. My family was going to courts... to deal with a child molester. A man I trusted. A man the courts say I pushed to the brick of sanity. That made him do what he did. I got angry. I couldn't go home. I couldn't be with my life in Ontario.

So I came back. I came back to the darkness. I came back to the heartache an pain. When your a light in darkness the world around you just snuffs you out. And once again the cycle of pain an torment. Death. Suicidal thought. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Until one day I met someone. Someone who showed me love. Someone who believed in me. I clung to her thr same suffocation of trying to survive. Trying to live for her. I put her through hell. I broke her in so many ways emotionally. Physically. I was a hot mess. I was a child. I was in trauma. Reliving that the faults of that man. My lack of protecting my own family. It took me years to get through it. Each time id fall she'd be there. She'd give me a life raft. An what was more is she was broken. She was bruised. She was crazy. And she fit into my life like she'd always belonged by my side. It wasn't that we were drowning in one another. It was that we were lifting each other up. 

When she moved. It was difficult. I wanted to follow. But then all the stuff came up with my kid. An once again family. Family family. The most important part of my heart and soul is family. So I've stayed. I've never forgotten her. Never will I. We have tattoos together. She took a giant piece of my heart with her. She was my friend. My closest friend. My ride or die friend. An she was my world. Waking up each morning after almost dying or going into surgery an her being there. There is no greater love. To have that. Hearing her laugh. Seeing her smile. Feeling her beautiful hugs full of love. 

But its been seven years... since she left. Since then. I died again. Lol not on purpose. I had multiple car accidents (not my fault) and had many milestones of birthdays an holidays.

We are human. We desire connection. We strive for it. But we also need to learn to let go. I often. Think of all the powerful women in my life who shared pieces of their soul with me. It makes me think of that poem in chicken soup. How pieces of person heartache leave holes in us. An when we meet others. We share pieces of ourselves with one another. An for some. For the warriors they are living their best lives with pieces of everyone. 

For me. The people... would be a long list of men and women who believed in me. Stood by me. An refused to let death have it's day in my life. Even tho I tried. Or it tried to take me. 

I always wondered why... why the heck am I here. And every morning I wake up with my kid in my arms. And a love and joy he has. He's being raised with none of my trauma (well not as much trauma).  None of my pain of starving. Or having drunk addicted parents.

I am here to ensure he has a great future. And I love him more than anything in the world. But I do hope. I do wish. That his parents would get their shit together and come. Come see your son. I have never claimed him as my son. I always call him my kid. Because I am fully aware my sister is his bio mom. I am just the mom here everyday raising him.  Until she comes back. An if she could see. He's such a beautiful person. The best parts of our family. 

Please come back. Because we miss you. 

And my lady. Thank you for all the great memories. I will cherish our friendship always and forever. You are my ride or die.

To all the people. I am surviving. I am living. I am not giving up. Even though darkness is set in my soul as I write. And even though I cut. Sometimes. I'm trying to get it together.  There aren't as good of friends in my life. More people trying to take from me more than I have to give. 

I just had to say that..... I'm here

 I'm here. And I'm trying not to give up. 

I'm not trying to die. I'm trying to live. Because i haven't even seen the world. Need new friends. Lol people who want to get out of here. Not stay here. But enjoy the world. Got no friends like that as of yet. 

But maybe one day. I'll show my kid the world. We always make plans. Just waiting till He a bit older to bring him all around. 

Keep Moving Forward. 

moving

I am in moments of shock. I'm worried sort of watching all these shows about medical stuff. That I looked at someone picture randomly an couldn't recognize the person in the photo. 

Recognizing that either the death of me truly traumatized me. Or the truth is  we never really knew each other 

It's lame. Cause just a show a moment ago. About a man teaching a blind kid how to recognize other senses. Said someone heart and body temp elevated because the person was in love with the man she was walking with.. so is it possible that even though I dont recognize their faces that certain parts of people. Like their voice. Their scent. Their touch  can become memory. Can be how we recognize when our other sense goes down .

Either that or face thr continued reality that I didn't matter. They mattered the world to me. An still did everyday but.  I didn't matter the same. That more than ever we are placed in certain people's lives. To either uplift. Carry. Discard. Hold. Etc whatever other things. But that at some point in time we move on 

We forget. ? Or we don't have that same love. It would be true that love fades away. 

I dont know. That was a bit of a gut kick. 

I dont wish anyone pain. But it hurt. For me. Because for me there was a love there. There was a connection there. An now it's severed. 

I move forward. 

Never forget what we meant to one another before but to embrace that we saved. Helped. Loved. Cared. Cherished. Had experiences with..

Memories of a past that will never come to light in the future again if I had known the last time was the last time. Idk what I would've done different or if it would have made a difference. 

I carry you with me. And cherish the love and devotion we shared..

If you laughed right about now. I feel id remember who you were maybe. But I don't even know anymore. My mind playing tricks or my heart. 

saved me

Happy birthday my lady. Today is your day. An I am grateful for you.

I know we don't talk. We don't message. We don't send letters. But whether a hundred years from now i will never forget you.

Today I am reminded how little my world is. How little I let people in my life. How much I dont want friends or whatever because theirs no comparison. 

A mix of trauma an unconditional love we shared. Will never be found elsewhere. And I'm sorry for that. I know when we met we definitely didn't sign up for all that. But standing by me.

You have no idea the impact it has on me. Even today. Because reality is. No matter how much I try to cover the wounds. Or scars. Or trauma. It's showing. That I've never had any friend like you. Someone who stands where others abandoned.  Where someone loves the unlovable. We may be thousands of miles apart. But if you called me. I'd be there for you. I'd go the distance to save you. Protect you. Guard you.

You may not need that in your life. But the dedication you showed me cannot be measured.

Thank you for believing in me. For standing by my side. For loving me. And hurting me. An molding me. All the same. 

Today is your birthday. And I don't wish I was there because I am not the person I was. But I wish you the best. The greatest the world can offer. 

I hate how it feels to remember the past because we had some great times but alls I can remember is how I hurt you. 

Please do great things. An know. I am thinking of you. I'm grateful for you. 

Happy birthday my lady.