days

For real.. of all days crappy days in my life. I have moments. Flash backs. To when my kid was younger. His smile. I taught him to stick out his tongue when taking pictures and those are my favorite. I'm always grateful that I am here for him.

Of all things that I've survived. All memories that fade from time to time. I still get to be reminded of the love this kid has for me. I try to prepare him for anything and everything. Still get to share stories... what it was like to grow up without food. Without love. And my kid gets both in abundance. I had started this routine with him to ensure we always start the day right. I try so often to check myself. To not yell. Not demand. To hurry up. Or move it. We just go at our pace. He does better and better.  But randomly at different times. He always says I'm scared your going to get mad at me. Even when it's an accident.  I dont even get mad. I just say clean it up. Shit can always be cleaned up. Dishes can be replaced. Clothes can be washed. I dont care about those things. But his self esteem still goes to I dont want you to get mad at me. And its hard for me to remember when I've gotten mad at him. What does his type of me mad at him that he thinks that ? Cause I dont raise my voice. I dont have facial expression. My face is the same always. Some people can express themselves thro facial through words. Through whatever.

For me I have to remind myself. Repeatedly. 

 Because for real its not my normal. Not my normal life to hold my kids hand. To say I Love You. To show love at all. Yeah I'm crazy

 But I was raised so shady. Parents in heavy addiction. Even as a teenager I ran away alot. I had a suicide pact with my childhood best friend. My life was garbage I had no desire to live.

My bitch face is my signature look of... me. Unapproachable psycho who absolutely wants to snap at every turn. Lol but I'm trying to raise this young kid. To love him. Fill him with all I did not have. But at the same time. 

I just want to raise this kid. To be good. To be strong. To be powerful to know. He can finish school an college wne change the world. 

Idk

We all want that. But we never know.

Of all days. Today's

Today. Is the day. Today is the day something happened that hurt my heart. Shattered my world.  And I usually want to climb mountains. Sit beside the ocean.

But today I came to work because I am not the person I was. I've grown. I've grown to accept. I am a failure. I am a screw up. I have made bad choices. I cant change what happened. I cant be better. I can be me. And wake up every morning. Appreciating this kid in my life. 

I appreciate the people in my life. 

I wanted to take this moment... as I do. 

To honor what happened. But to also. Say I'm ok. I know for me I did what was best for me. And I never forget what happened. But I live my life. I appreciate thr people who are with me. Who have stood by me. 

So much I dont deserve. So much I've done to hurt some people. But the people who are standing with me now. Are my people of greatness. 

Idk. 

We are here. I am still here. 

Moving Forward.