survived it

I cant say everything that happened. But I know a lot of how I was. Was based on the power today hold. I'm struggling. I'm in a phase where I really miss being disconnected. Today someone posted a picture. Of a family gathering and my heart shattered. So much happened. So much happened. That was terrible an painful an stuff we don't talk about.

And I reacted. I feel. Overwhelmed guilt. Remembering thr judge say this was my fault. I want to go back and say hell no. Couldn't be my fault. How dare a judge believe this was my fault. 

I feel crappy. An I need this day to be over. Everything today was painful an I didn't tell anyone. An i did what I always do. And I cant even compare it to what it felt like. How familiar it was. An how release-ful it was. Idk I'm losing my mind I guess. And it is true a picture is worth a thousand words.  One picture. Destroyed my heart today