Day before truth and reconciliation. Alls I can think about is the suffering my uncles endured. And yet how loving they were toward me.
I tried to not disappoint them... I think about all they didnt speak about. Never did they tell us what they endured. Never did they let us go hungry tho. I remember when my parents were in addiction. If I was hungry my uncles showed up to make sure we were fed. Even if it was a happy meal.
When I became a teenager. And they got there residential school survivor money they poured that into me. But I was young an dumb.
I think about my uncle before he died. The manipulation he endured from his own family. An me being denied to see him. I know he likely left me something or piece of land. But ill never know.
For me being without a job after egging it on. Hurts. Last fourteen. Years of my life has been these streets and building myself up. And now without it. Idk
I am temporarily taking something else. But reality is I wanna tell the people who hold the shit. How shitty they are. Because reality is the executives are lining their pockets. The directors are useless.
People like me. Who been the boots on thr ground. Idk. It is shitty
I haven't told many people what happened. Tbh it feels like a failure. To have lost the job ive done so well on. First time in awhile I actually was doing well.
When I found out what had happened. I went back to some old habits. Because that's what I do. But I also know once I've opened up this door. Without talking about it. Or having people to talk too. It likely get its hold on me again.
Life is short. Believe me I know. But I've lost so much this year already.
Trying to build a life for this kid. And trying to break habits. Idk.
He wants me to take him around the world. Man I hope to do that one day. To finally have saved money to be able to show him a good life.
Idk
At the same time. I honestly wanna change my last names now. Because I'm struggling with who im connected too. Majority of my family is the dtes struggling with trauma. Unwilling to get help. But absolutely blaming me.
Its whatever the word is. When someone targets someone just because their doing well in their life. Therefore everything bad that's happened is my fault
Reality is ive basically cut off everyone in that family. Only person im willing to look out for is my mom..
I feel... alone. Depressed. And on edge. I had plans for my future.
Now there void
Id love to travel. I watch movies of places in the world. Beaches. Breathtaking views. Id love to get out of here. The world is so expansive and I currently not working
And because of my own whatever I have my own trauma of whether I can be out in the world.
I just want something. Anything to go well for once.
I was thinking about my lady. My queen. Wishing I could hear her voice. Know that im not here alone. And be ok for moment. I think last week I drove by the Christmas tree light area one of last places I was with her. And for moment I get to think of her. And the belief an unconditional love she has for me. Knowing yes it likely still exists but its not something I know anymore
Like all people... we move on.... keep Moving Forward.
I thought of all the people who supported me through the years of my life. The love. Admiration. Devotion. I miss having those people in my life.
I feel like right now I dont have reliable people in my life.
Anyway... I'm struggling. Im feeling whatever im feeling and im trying to hold on
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