feels like to be valued

I've been trying to think of why it's hard to think of everything..  I thought so strongly that we were gonna make it. By fluke of the last couple days I was sleeping next to her. An I had all these thoughts that it was going to be epic. I thought finally time with her. 

It's not what I'm thinking though.  I'm thinking why are we together. Why are we staying together. When I look into her eyes an she smiles. It is epic. When she lays in my arms it's epic. 

But when she isn't with me. We aren't talking. When we are together we aren't talking. We literally haven't had enough time to comprehend what she had said. 

It hurts to hear that she is listening to other people. She is believing other people about her relationship with me. 

I've tried to be patient. Fuck I have been the most understanding partner in the history of any fuckin person on the planet. I have stood by. Let her put us on the back burner. 

An when I look back at why it matters. I think of the times where she actually wanted me. She actually needed me. When she would call me from the hospital. When I showed up for the first time in almost a month. She said she cried from seeing me because she missed me so much an couldn't comprehend it. 

I think of those times as though she wanted to be with me. Needed to be with me. 

It is possible to survive this?

To survive at the idea that she may not want forever with me. That we are just wasting time ???? Waiting for something to come of it. Idk

I am told I overthink everything. An i watched a video that said an anxious partner or whatever an everything that she had said I could hear it. As If that was what I needed from my partner. My partner who bails on me every step of the way an causes me so much pain that I'm hurting myself to try an survive. 

But I'm beginning to burst into explosion because I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I can't be happy. I can't feel anything but pain. As if one more terrible thing happen an I'll fall apart.

If I fell into old habits I guarantee I'll die.

An that's the worst when I tried to talk to someone about it. They scolded me as if I am a terrible person an should think of what I'll do to my kid. An I thought wouldn't it be better if he had someone more present in his life. Not someone who has checked out an I'm just not all here. I wish I was. I really can't think of him because I no longer feel best for him. 

An its Because I gave so much of myself to this relationship I feel like less of a person. I put on a fake face as if I'm fine. But I'm crumbling. I'm literally dying inside. An I'm fighting to try fight but I'm losing so badly. 

I'm losing the battle. An I dont know why this one relationship defines my whole life. Why did I give her that power over me. Why did I try so hard. Why did I think this was forever 

Why did she

How did we fuckn get here. Cause I'm dying inside 

hold me in your arms

I'm fucking hurting so much. I dont know what to do anymore. 

I spent so much of my time being patient. Waiting for the person whom I love. I've been waiting for her life to get back to some sort of normal life. I thought it would get better 

I've been made to look like a fool. I feel like a fool. I have been told the reason that she has bailed on seeing me is because people are getting in her head about us. We aren't right for one another. We aren't worth the fight for a future. 

I want to give up. I can't fight the world. I can't fight her supports. I can't fight for this love that I thought was it. I thought this was my love. 

An now I'm feeling shattered. I'm feeling shattered to the point of not wanting to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to keep living if this person isn't in my life. 

People said think of your kid. Think of what you'll do to him. An I'm so lost. I can't think

Why. 

Why

Why 

Why the fuck did we talk about a future. Why did we get tattoos. Why did we do all this stuff. Why did we make plans. Why did we say this was forever. If neither of us believed we get there. 

I cant get over all the time an effort all this hope I had seen. Or felt in thinking she would want to be with me. 

I have so much pain an fear. I don't know how to survive the day. I dont know how to move on. When alls I want is the life we had. 

I spent so much of my life seeking love. Seeking something worth living for. I thought I had it with my kid. But something was missing. An I didn't know it. An when I found this love I thought it would be epic. I thought we'd be forever. 

An instead... she tells me that people have gotten to her. An she isn't sure she can get her head straight. An I can't feel anything but pain. I feel shattered. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay. How to find our love again. I dont know if she is stringing me along to feel alive. To feel connected 

I don't know why. 

Why do I get this type of love. How is it love at all. 

I want to love her. I want to be with her. I see no one else but her. An I don't know if I'm being played. 

I'm ready to give up. Give up living give up this life an destroy it all. I'm ready to fuck up to the point of no return. 

what would it look lik3

I cant remember why someone asked me this question... what would my future look like or my life look like if she wasn't in it. 

Would it be different or about the same. Would I be suffering or happier. Idk

What angle am I expected to look at this from. 

I dont want to think about what my life would look like without my partner. I'm terrified at the idea. Especially because everything I've been doing I've done in hopes of securing our future. 

I want a future that is Beautiful. I want to be able to see her as her heart an soul in light an darkness an to also call her home. She is my safe place. 

I know that even the idea of seeing her. Being next to her my heart pumps all the time. Kissing her. An holding her hand. More than life is worth giving me.

I've spent so much of my life under a rock. Consistently expecting bad things to happen. Always waiting for what I feel I deserve. Which is lame. Because I deserve to be happy. To be in love. To move on with my life. 

However....

There's a dark past of who I was. Where I've come from. An the things said or done to me. An upbringing that is not as severe as others but severe enough that scars remain on my soul from what kinds and types of abuse I endured. 

Spending most of my life feeling like I'd never amount to anything. I never deserved a good life. An it seems to have been reflected in most of my relationships because.... all of them ended in pain an it was always to do with being cheated on. Or hearing them say I wasn't good enough. 

So for the first 6 months of this relationship...I spent it testing the waters... 2x we broke up because of different reasons...

And each time we got back together. An have been together ever since. However... the thing has been that so much has been going on for her. She needed to put us on simmer. An for me that was difficult an painful. Because I felt all those past feelings. An now thst she may be back. I'm not sure if it's real or if I'm being played. Or if I should move forward with our future plans. 

I want to save money. Buy the ring an ask her. Or have her ask me ahahha. 

For odd reason that sounds so weird to be asked. What I wanna ask.

But the thing is we need to be stable. We need to have plans. We need to move forward. An we can't do that when her life is doing whatever 

An she isn't telling me.

I have thought about it... the thing is her mental health is her fear. An I dont understand thst in any way. Because I barely have had to deal with it as closely as I used too. Before it was a little more spontaneous an unstable. But the last while even when she's been struggling...she hasn't ended up in hospital 

To me that means she's doing better. An maybe she should consider what I want. But I can't say that because if we jump all in. What will happen.. idk.

But I cant ask her the question until we test the waters of living together. An she can't live with me till she is stable. I considered moving. So that we can have a fresh spot an she can have her own space inside the place we live so that when she goes thro these episodes. She can still be with me an we can learn how to go thro it. Idk.

I think in love we can make it thro anything but she doesn't put enough faith in my understanding of her. An my patience with her. She needs to give me a chance. To let me make it thro this all with her..

I dont know...

I had thought when she wanted to see me... that she'd want to talk. Or walk. Or anything of value but instead we just drove an didn't talk. An only now I have all these questions without answers. 

Idk.

living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.