Where to begin...
I guess I currently don't feel any dramatic changes in my life in whatever these drugs are supposed to do to me.. I'm still a little scared of what that would look like..
you know what's harder to see.. is that I don't know how my life became like this.. how did I become this person? what changed or happened? I'm sure very few have seen the "Sons Of Anarchy" while I own the collection and 4 seasons before Smallville I was watching SOA.. and i could relate so well with Gemma... her whole world throughout the entire series of SOA.. is about her love for her family, and she falls apart without them... hits rock bottom..
I feel like that... My family was my whole world.. the people I couldn't count on, but were always there, and the love in Elijah's eyes, in his smile, warmed my soul... and having that beautiful light gone from my life... all's I see and feel is darkness, heartache and pain.. I guess it's accumulated of many things not just family stuff.
but at day 7 I'm not sure what is supposed to be... apparently I won't see changes significant or otherwise until 6 weeks... so I guess I'll see what happens..
other than family... I guess it's friends...
I had appointment today with my counsellor discussing the last few weeks... it's funny when I can be honest with someone and have them think how admirable it is, about my honesty, my dedication or whatever to have been in the face of so many temptations and to not have reacted... but been able to have the courage to walk away, and not destroy things that could have been significant change in my life.
I always miss my lady... there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not thinking of her... and wondering how she's doing and surviving in the beautiful cold world of Ontario but I'm sure she's doing well and living well. and not worrying or thinking of me which apparently is my whole plan.
I'm losing my mind with all these thoughts about what I could say and do to just hear from her.. I recently went through my old phone because I thought maybe I hid some voicemail messages she had left me like 7 yrs ago.. when I was hospitalized for my stuff... I was a loser and wanted to hear it every day and every second of every day... I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me, and that i could get through this, and that she believed in me... I thought maybe I was psychotic enough to get that on one of my recordings on one of my phones, but so far no luck.. a bit disappointed because it would be great to hear from her.
I don't know how to let her go... I mean I Have in the sense that Im not crying out for her, and not calling her and sending her fucked up messages... but my heart and soul yearn for that deep beautiful connection... there is no one in the world that can compare to that beautiful soul... and I wish her all the best..
other then that... my friends here....well we are struggling in one way or another and I don't know how to be there for anyone right now... I hardly know how to be there for myself, and take care of myself. I can't even provide the necessities for myself... let alone be there to listen or guide or give advice to anyone..
I guess in some way I'm basically just avoiding them.. and it sucks but I guess that's what I do when I feel whatever I feel.
other then that my constant idea of running away keeps coming back.. I would love to get out of here and just go far away and be with my psycho, the one that loves me in whatever limits that is... but that's just insanity.. the extent of that thought is that I would love to be there with her.. but I can't.. there's no future for me there, and although people think I'm doing great and I could do anything, I can't do anything... this job and life is all I know and at this time it's all Im good at.. I want more and desire more.. but I don't know what that means either... I don't know what to do with my life.
I some times regret not making the choice to go through with school and the education and training I once wanted... how great that would be.. but I don't really know why I would want to do that... aside from the fact that it's what I wanted since i was like 10 yrs old...
a couple days from now... is my dads death anniversary... is it terrible that i still remember it? I still remember who he was, and what he did for me...how much I believe that he loved me.. or even the day I found out he died etx.. the most traumatizing event in all my life... was losing my dad.. the one guy who loved me beyond all things.. and I miss him often... but I feel like I shouldn't feel whatever I feel about him being gone.. but I can't help but feel that... it's just who I am? I don't know why...
I took friday off maybe take a day and just acknowledge him and who he was to me.. and let him know I miss him.. is that lame?
I don't know I don't like telling many people because I feel like there's a lot of judgement like I should "just get over it" cause it was almost 23 yrs ago... it doesn't make sense to feel what I feel about that.. but i can't help it.. I guess I grew up with this and it's hard to just let go of.
Im losing my mind.. and Im exhausted.. what I would give to get dedication to learn German, and just travel to Germany to meet my friend how beautiful that experience would be!
Monday, October 23, 2017
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
1st day
I hardly know where to begin..I feel like things are falling apart for me... I recently met a police officer who's the same age as me.. and thought where did my life go? how did I not get in those damn shoes, and then look down at my arm and remember why I can't become a cop.
and then today having to be honest with myself about what I'm going through..
I guess I'll be brutally honest about some stuff...other's can stay hidden in the dark because it's too much in my head.
I've been struggling the last few weeks.. with people writing about their encounters with sexual assault but even before reading that... I was struggling with flashbacks, memories of times in my life that I was in a vulnerable place.. I have been sexually abused, I have been taken advantage of and I have been this that or the other thing...
but the hardest part of the sexual whatever... is continuing to see that person who abused me, that person who touched me every day... I want to stab him and tell him to tell the truth.. because I tried to tell someone and no one heard me. no one believed me, they said it's wasn't possible... that's hard to hear... you know as a kid when it happened it was "well it's your fault" or "what are you doing wearing those PJ's or something so ridiculous that made me think these things that happened to me were my own fault. I'm fcukin losing my mind with this idea that everything is my fault.
I am directly responsible for every bad thing in the world because that's basically what I've taken on. I didn't try enough, I didn't fight enough, I didn't stand up for the little guy, I didn't fight the bully, I didn't speak the right words, and I didn't deserve to be loved. etx.
I'm losing my mind... and the other day when I was talking to that cop... I remembered what it was like to be out on the ledge... ready to jump.. well wanting to jump my life was so terrible, and I remember why and I still don't talk about it which is probably why I'm back here..
on that ledge ready to jump, the negotiator who was sent to save me, or help me or support me.. she helped a lot and I'll never forget her.. and I can't believe she stayed with me.. she helped me in my moment of crisis, and it was beautiful.. and even after that.. she came to hospital with me.. she even asked what made me get down from the ledge... reality is most of the time i don't want to die, it's just hurting and it's unbearable...
and of course in all this madness of thinking about all these things, my anxiety rises, and I am reminded about how judged I am... because of the scars on my arm, or because I have long history of many suicide attempts.. it may not be on official police records but it's there written notes of every encounter I've had with police, all regarding my desire to jump off the ledge, to bleed to death, or to pop a bunch of pills to end my life
I'm struggling a lot more.. honestly I think I sort of know what part of it is... and I am the worst person on the earth for it.
so first off... I'm a cutter.. I self abuse with cutting myself... I've done this for about 17 yrs and I love it, desire it, need it, yearn for it etc.... a few weeks ago... I lost the blade that I use for cutting..
funny the reason I lost it.. was I felt I was finally at a point in my life that I didn't NEED to carry it around anymore.. that one item, that sense of security, or whatever it fucking did for me. so I stopped carrying it,and I put it away.. and I forgot about it.. but when something anything happened it was the first thing I tried to reach for.. and unfortunately so much time had passed I lost the blade... and I lost my mind, I had anxiety forever, I tore my entire house apart.. and I accused people who had been in my home of stealing it.. ended up I hid it in a place that only i could find it, and somewhere I wouldn't normally look.. Anyway the relief of finding it.. I hadn't used it.. it was just I needed it, I only feel safe or whatever the fuck it is.. when I have the blade with me.. and now after that incident I won't let it go again, that was so hard to deal with.
anyway imagine that feeling of whatever the fuck it is... and imagine me feeling that towards a person. a person that never gave up on me, that loved me, and was there for me in more than normal ways.. well that person is gone,and for the first time in a long time I feel her gone... and although she had said we would always be connected etc.. that I'll never have to worry etx.. I must say I'm worried... I feel like I've lost everything... lost my family, lost my love, an I'm drowning... drowning in all the pain in the world and I just want it to stop.
as a result my doctor started me on antidepressant pills which in all my years of life I'VE NEVER done, because no one had ever diagnosed me with this... and I"m terrified.. Im scared of what will happen, scared of what will change, scared of what I might do when having a bad day, and if I'll even be able to continue moving forward? I don't know but for the next 6 weeks I guess I'll see where I land, if I survive...
as I fade away
Im exhausted Can't write anymore
and then today having to be honest with myself about what I'm going through..
I guess I'll be brutally honest about some stuff...other's can stay hidden in the dark because it's too much in my head.
I've been struggling the last few weeks.. with people writing about their encounters with sexual assault but even before reading that... I was struggling with flashbacks, memories of times in my life that I was in a vulnerable place.. I have been sexually abused, I have been taken advantage of and I have been this that or the other thing...
but the hardest part of the sexual whatever... is continuing to see that person who abused me, that person who touched me every day... I want to stab him and tell him to tell the truth.. because I tried to tell someone and no one heard me. no one believed me, they said it's wasn't possible... that's hard to hear... you know as a kid when it happened it was "well it's your fault" or "what are you doing wearing those PJ's or something so ridiculous that made me think these things that happened to me were my own fault. I'm fcukin losing my mind with this idea that everything is my fault.
I am directly responsible for every bad thing in the world because that's basically what I've taken on. I didn't try enough, I didn't fight enough, I didn't stand up for the little guy, I didn't fight the bully, I didn't speak the right words, and I didn't deserve to be loved. etx.
I'm losing my mind... and the other day when I was talking to that cop... I remembered what it was like to be out on the ledge... ready to jump.. well wanting to jump my life was so terrible, and I remember why and I still don't talk about it which is probably why I'm back here..
on that ledge ready to jump, the negotiator who was sent to save me, or help me or support me.. she helped a lot and I'll never forget her.. and I can't believe she stayed with me.. she helped me in my moment of crisis, and it was beautiful.. and even after that.. she came to hospital with me.. she even asked what made me get down from the ledge... reality is most of the time i don't want to die, it's just hurting and it's unbearable...
and of course in all this madness of thinking about all these things, my anxiety rises, and I am reminded about how judged I am... because of the scars on my arm, or because I have long history of many suicide attempts.. it may not be on official police records but it's there written notes of every encounter I've had with police, all regarding my desire to jump off the ledge, to bleed to death, or to pop a bunch of pills to end my life
I'm struggling a lot more.. honestly I think I sort of know what part of it is... and I am the worst person on the earth for it.
so first off... I'm a cutter.. I self abuse with cutting myself... I've done this for about 17 yrs and I love it, desire it, need it, yearn for it etc.... a few weeks ago... I lost the blade that I use for cutting..
funny the reason I lost it.. was I felt I was finally at a point in my life that I didn't NEED to carry it around anymore.. that one item, that sense of security, or whatever it fucking did for me. so I stopped carrying it,and I put it away.. and I forgot about it.. but when something anything happened it was the first thing I tried to reach for.. and unfortunately so much time had passed I lost the blade... and I lost my mind, I had anxiety forever, I tore my entire house apart.. and I accused people who had been in my home of stealing it.. ended up I hid it in a place that only i could find it, and somewhere I wouldn't normally look.. Anyway the relief of finding it.. I hadn't used it.. it was just I needed it, I only feel safe or whatever the fuck it is.. when I have the blade with me.. and now after that incident I won't let it go again, that was so hard to deal with.
anyway imagine that feeling of whatever the fuck it is... and imagine me feeling that towards a person. a person that never gave up on me, that loved me, and was there for me in more than normal ways.. well that person is gone,and for the first time in a long time I feel her gone... and although she had said we would always be connected etc.. that I'll never have to worry etx.. I must say I'm worried... I feel like I've lost everything... lost my family, lost my love, an I'm drowning... drowning in all the pain in the world and I just want it to stop.
as a result my doctor started me on antidepressant pills which in all my years of life I'VE NEVER done, because no one had ever diagnosed me with this... and I"m terrified.. Im scared of what will happen, scared of what will change, scared of what I might do when having a bad day, and if I'll even be able to continue moving forward? I don't know but for the next 6 weeks I guess I'll see where I land, if I survive...
as I fade away
Im exhausted Can't write anymore
Monday, October 16, 2017
memories
today we celebrated my mom's 23 yrs of sobriety... it's been a long time since we decided that we are now divided.. I guess my family misses me, and loves me a lot.. at least my brothers and my older sister... I made it awkward because all of these people sat close to me... I paid for everyone's meal inspite of the fact that my sisters hate me.
I honour my mom by paying for her dinner, by paying for her cake. and by driving people home. I couldn't speak at the meeting, this is one of the first among many years of not speaking.. it wasn't hard... I don't know the entire crowd of people hear about the same story I basically share. my mom is a warrior, a survivor.. it was a little strange having people remind me of the past...
my younger brothers and sisters have it much easier than I do. which is hard to accept sometimes. I mean I'm grateful my mom smartened up by the time my younger brother was born.. but before that... for the near ten years of me suffering in those addictions...
I often find myself having flash backs... of times in my life that I'd wish I had forgotten.. I know it might "make me stronger" but it doesn't make it easier to remember what happened to me, or how I was raised, or what I went through... what I would have given just to have been loved... just to have been cared about, just to have mattered. it's hard to accept that even today.. theres a woman that loves me and wants to spend her life with me.. but because of my own history I guess it's hard to accept for myself.
I'm struggling with so much right now.. and you know when I told everyone about how my family an I aren't talking, and how I spent the holiday alone, for those that have known me for many many years.. they honestly see this as a blessing that I am not with my family, or entangled by them. it's better for me because it means I'm focusing on myself.. A lot of words fly through my friends minds, and mine when I think of what my family does to me.. apparently they manipulate me, they use me, and they take take take.. they drain the life out of me, and I give up so much for them because it's sometimes hard for me to say no to them i used to be the one person they all respected and admired.. and now I'm hated because I stood my ground, because I finally said no.. I couldn't help and couldn't support them and because of that I was the worst person alive. instead of understanding that I live in a shitty apartment, and I Drive a vehicle and I have responsibilities etx. they cut me out..
I told them again today not to remind of anything.. I thought it was interesting. my brothers and I are so similar in many ways.. we all have huge giving and loving hearts, we are passionate and kind and amazing..
but the other part of us that we have.. is that we hide a lot of everything.. tonight at the meeting everyone brought up my uncle Dave, honestly his death was the worst thing I could ever feel as and adult.. it was hard to hear about him. and brought tears to my eyes, because he was a beautiful man who loved and gave gave and gave. and he's gone.. and he connected us all... no matter what happened every holiday we were together for him.
my brother and I.. know how to bury the pain, the frustration, the anger, we are all good at tossing it aside or shoving it deep within. when people talked about my uncle, my friends even cried but I sat stone faced, not because I don't love my uncle or miss him.. but that I was raised in a different way. feelings aren't part of who I am... I don't know how to be happy anymore.. even someone said how great it would be to be normal.. Fuk I don't even know what normal is for me anymore, I showed my friend some pictures of years ago when I was not here.. and she couldn't believe how happy I was, and she basically told me to go back to that happiness.. that happiness is not here in BC... it's in Ontario..
Recently that conversation I had. because I'm talking about depression and how it's effecting me, or how hard it's been, and my friend asked.. how did you survive all these years... the past 8 yrs I survived.. because of one person, and although you should NEVER put that on anyone about being there for you, or putting that much power or devotion whatever the damn word is... I did... I put it all on one person... and she had been there for the good the bad the ugly. she had seen me at my best moments, she made me smile, made me feel love and give love, she will always be my entire world.. and she's been gone since May. and that has been a huge toll on my life that I tried for so long to pretend it didn't hurt or that it didn't matter..
and i think a huge part of where I am at.. is because the connection, because of us not being together, talking, emailing, writing letters etx. nothing has us connected... that I'm realizing this was the end.. the end of it all, an although she'll probably think of me... during moments in her life.. this was the end.. and we will not likely be friends like that again..
so on top of all this darkness all these foggy clouds, and rain and sadness.. trying to cope with being alone, and not having that kind of person.. and although I have to do it on my own.. I cannot tell you or explain to you...the power I had just having her in my life, the love I felt just hearing her voice or seeing her face. she was my whole world, and no one could ever compare or compete with her.. she was my lady, she was my love. and I miss her
during these hard times I wish she would say something anything. I'm struggling with the constant life of everything. and I made it the last 8 yrs because I had her... I don't know why it mattered so much, but just having someone not give up on you, having someone watch out for you, care for you, love you unconditionally without limits, boundaries or boarders. someone i could be honest with, and talk too, someone who genuinely cared in a deep way that will never be known to the world.
my heart and soul always being intwined with hers.. I feel lost and I'm scared
I'm scared about the next few steps in my life.. and although I have a new best friend, while she's one of my best friends.. it's not the same.. it doesn't feel the way it felt before.. and I'm struggling with that... I need to get further help etx and I guess thats what I've done. I just hope... that I survive the next few weeks.
the only thing i say if I don't survive at least I can say I tried, I did my best, and I probably went out with knowing I tried.. maybe I failed in some ways, but I loved, lost and learned. and i loved with all my heart, and I lost all my broken pieces, and I learned to glue them back together. I tried to keep moving forward and if that isn't enough I don't know what it.
I honour my mom by paying for her dinner, by paying for her cake. and by driving people home. I couldn't speak at the meeting, this is one of the first among many years of not speaking.. it wasn't hard... I don't know the entire crowd of people hear about the same story I basically share. my mom is a warrior, a survivor.. it was a little strange having people remind me of the past...
my younger brothers and sisters have it much easier than I do. which is hard to accept sometimes. I mean I'm grateful my mom smartened up by the time my younger brother was born.. but before that... for the near ten years of me suffering in those addictions...
I often find myself having flash backs... of times in my life that I'd wish I had forgotten.. I know it might "make me stronger" but it doesn't make it easier to remember what happened to me, or how I was raised, or what I went through... what I would have given just to have been loved... just to have been cared about, just to have mattered. it's hard to accept that even today.. theres a woman that loves me and wants to spend her life with me.. but because of my own history I guess it's hard to accept for myself.
I'm struggling with so much right now.. and you know when I told everyone about how my family an I aren't talking, and how I spent the holiday alone, for those that have known me for many many years.. they honestly see this as a blessing that I am not with my family, or entangled by them. it's better for me because it means I'm focusing on myself.. A lot of words fly through my friends minds, and mine when I think of what my family does to me.. apparently they manipulate me, they use me, and they take take take.. they drain the life out of me, and I give up so much for them because it's sometimes hard for me to say no to them i used to be the one person they all respected and admired.. and now I'm hated because I stood my ground, because I finally said no.. I couldn't help and couldn't support them and because of that I was the worst person alive. instead of understanding that I live in a shitty apartment, and I Drive a vehicle and I have responsibilities etx. they cut me out..
I told them again today not to remind of anything.. I thought it was interesting. my brothers and I are so similar in many ways.. we all have huge giving and loving hearts, we are passionate and kind and amazing..
but the other part of us that we have.. is that we hide a lot of everything.. tonight at the meeting everyone brought up my uncle Dave, honestly his death was the worst thing I could ever feel as and adult.. it was hard to hear about him. and brought tears to my eyes, because he was a beautiful man who loved and gave gave and gave. and he's gone.. and he connected us all... no matter what happened every holiday we were together for him.
my brother and I.. know how to bury the pain, the frustration, the anger, we are all good at tossing it aside or shoving it deep within. when people talked about my uncle, my friends even cried but I sat stone faced, not because I don't love my uncle or miss him.. but that I was raised in a different way. feelings aren't part of who I am... I don't know how to be happy anymore.. even someone said how great it would be to be normal.. Fuk I don't even know what normal is for me anymore, I showed my friend some pictures of years ago when I was not here.. and she couldn't believe how happy I was, and she basically told me to go back to that happiness.. that happiness is not here in BC... it's in Ontario..
Recently that conversation I had. because I'm talking about depression and how it's effecting me, or how hard it's been, and my friend asked.. how did you survive all these years... the past 8 yrs I survived.. because of one person, and although you should NEVER put that on anyone about being there for you, or putting that much power or devotion whatever the damn word is... I did... I put it all on one person... and she had been there for the good the bad the ugly. she had seen me at my best moments, she made me smile, made me feel love and give love, she will always be my entire world.. and she's been gone since May. and that has been a huge toll on my life that I tried for so long to pretend it didn't hurt or that it didn't matter..
and i think a huge part of where I am at.. is because the connection, because of us not being together, talking, emailing, writing letters etx. nothing has us connected... that I'm realizing this was the end.. the end of it all, an although she'll probably think of me... during moments in her life.. this was the end.. and we will not likely be friends like that again..
so on top of all this darkness all these foggy clouds, and rain and sadness.. trying to cope with being alone, and not having that kind of person.. and although I have to do it on my own.. I cannot tell you or explain to you...the power I had just having her in my life, the love I felt just hearing her voice or seeing her face. she was my whole world, and no one could ever compare or compete with her.. she was my lady, she was my love. and I miss her
during these hard times I wish she would say something anything. I'm struggling with the constant life of everything. and I made it the last 8 yrs because I had her... I don't know why it mattered so much, but just having someone not give up on you, having someone watch out for you, care for you, love you unconditionally without limits, boundaries or boarders. someone i could be honest with, and talk too, someone who genuinely cared in a deep way that will never be known to the world.
my heart and soul always being intwined with hers.. I feel lost and I'm scared
I'm scared about the next few steps in my life.. and although I have a new best friend, while she's one of my best friends.. it's not the same.. it doesn't feel the way it felt before.. and I'm struggling with that... I need to get further help etx and I guess thats what I've done. I just hope... that I survive the next few weeks.
the only thing i say if I don't survive at least I can say I tried, I did my best, and I probably went out with knowing I tried.. maybe I failed in some ways, but I loved, lost and learned. and i loved with all my heart, and I lost all my broken pieces, and I learned to glue them back together. I tried to keep moving forward and if that isn't enough I don't know what it.
Monday, October 9, 2017
Fuck Family
I hate my life... Just to even have this post about having so much hatred to my family.. is a lie. I'm hurt.. and I can't express that anywhere but here...
A few weeks ago... I got into an argument with my sister over money of all things. and it turned into an uproar that I'm not even part of my family anymore. and a few weeks before that an argument with my other sister.. because I spent an entire day trying to put Elijah to sleep, and I asked her to be quiet because we were literally sitting in silence. and she blew me off.
Ever since than.. family stuff has been broken... My sisters wrote some shitty ass stuff about me on Facebook. and I went on social media and disowned my family.. apart from my mom and my one brother.
this is or feels like the first holiday that I'm not with them. I refused to walk into an awkward situation where people can make me feel worse than I already feel. It's been weeks since I seen or talked or heard about Elijah. I told everyone close to me not to mention my family, or Elijah.
my heart feels completely broken... shattered beyond anything...
I'm having a hard time surviving without family..
I don't know about the world today.. but I was raised where my family values are my value in general, my family is my everything, and that I would do or be anything for them. and i guess now I'm the villain for them. I'll be the object they can hate for however long it lasts, but I'll tell you its breaking me.
even as I write this tears run down my eyes.. as I feel I have failed..
when my uncle died... I promised him I'd always be there for my family, part of taking his vehicle was to honour him in what he did for my family.. he drove them places, went on road trips, and went to all the family dinners. he was a huge part of my life, and the lives of my brothers and sisters. and here I am failing him.
I'm sure he's looking down on me thinking how stubborn I am.. how I should just tell them... tell them that I need them.. that I am nothing without them.
I haven't even talked about that with anyone..
How hard it is to be alive... or to have even made that choice so many years ago to keep going..
it has always been so hard to be recovering from my deep wounds... physical and emotional.. but it always seemed worth it because I had family, I had purpose and reason. I had the connection that many people might have.
but now that I am alone.. an have been alone for days.. I'm losing focus... reason to keep moving forward. most of the time wanting to just forget I ever existed. most of the time wishing I didn't stop drinking or stop using drugs..
I'm having a really hard time..
next sunday my mom is taking her cake of sobriety for the 23 yrs..
I'm struggling at the idea of being surrounded by people who support her, but also by family that's now divided because of me. I know if I go there it'll be awkward and people won't care, but people also will treat me like garbage. and although it's not about all that, it would turn into that. so I don't know if I should go
you know the greatest thing about my family... well the family I had? was that they were always resilient. we were all the phoenix rising from the ashes....
My mom had made a decision 23 yrs ago... to quit letting drugs and alcohol control her life, and even when my dad died not even a year later she still stood strong, she had been in relationships where men had abused her, or where we were assholes to her. she could have given up.. she could have went back to a shitty lifestyle no one would have blamed her.
A few times my mom threatened that she would go do these things.. but never did.
she's resilient because she decided family was more important... that I was important, that my brothers and sisters were important. or that even her being sober was important. and for 23 years my mom made positive choices, and became a beautiful influence in our lives.. someone we can look up to and admire.
I am grateful for my mom of all people.. she is my inspiration and she is the most amazing woman I'll ever know.
regardless of my family differences I guess this is the one thing we all agree on... is that she has fought for my family, she has made a choice to be the voice of reason.
Growing up in my time... was hard.. made me scared of the world... I struggled for my many years because of the addictions of my parents, I was always put in vulnerable situations where I became a victim. but I made a choice too... keep moving forward and be resilient that things could get better.
that better is not here.. I'm crying, and heart broken at the thought that I'll be exiled for who knows how long. because of some stupid petty argument, that maybe if they knew my situation maybe they'd have some understanding.
but that's the ting about being the younger sisters... they can't know everything.. they can only have pieces of my reality.. I'm sure if they knew.. maybe they'd be forgiving.
I don't know what to do... besides to write.. because my heart is hurting today..
I need something good... sometime soon.. because I'm scared of where I am heading... theres too much darkness happening right now.. that I'm feeling consumed..
A few weeks ago... I got into an argument with my sister over money of all things. and it turned into an uproar that I'm not even part of my family anymore. and a few weeks before that an argument with my other sister.. because I spent an entire day trying to put Elijah to sleep, and I asked her to be quiet because we were literally sitting in silence. and she blew me off.
Ever since than.. family stuff has been broken... My sisters wrote some shitty ass stuff about me on Facebook. and I went on social media and disowned my family.. apart from my mom and my one brother.
this is or feels like the first holiday that I'm not with them. I refused to walk into an awkward situation where people can make me feel worse than I already feel. It's been weeks since I seen or talked or heard about Elijah. I told everyone close to me not to mention my family, or Elijah.
my heart feels completely broken... shattered beyond anything...
I'm having a hard time surviving without family..
I don't know about the world today.. but I was raised where my family values are my value in general, my family is my everything, and that I would do or be anything for them. and i guess now I'm the villain for them. I'll be the object they can hate for however long it lasts, but I'll tell you its breaking me.
even as I write this tears run down my eyes.. as I feel I have failed..
when my uncle died... I promised him I'd always be there for my family, part of taking his vehicle was to honour him in what he did for my family.. he drove them places, went on road trips, and went to all the family dinners. he was a huge part of my life, and the lives of my brothers and sisters. and here I am failing him.
I'm sure he's looking down on me thinking how stubborn I am.. how I should just tell them... tell them that I need them.. that I am nothing without them.
I haven't even talked about that with anyone..
How hard it is to be alive... or to have even made that choice so many years ago to keep going..
it has always been so hard to be recovering from my deep wounds... physical and emotional.. but it always seemed worth it because I had family, I had purpose and reason. I had the connection that many people might have.
but now that I am alone.. an have been alone for days.. I'm losing focus... reason to keep moving forward. most of the time wanting to just forget I ever existed. most of the time wishing I didn't stop drinking or stop using drugs..
I'm having a really hard time..
next sunday my mom is taking her cake of sobriety for the 23 yrs..
I'm struggling at the idea of being surrounded by people who support her, but also by family that's now divided because of me. I know if I go there it'll be awkward and people won't care, but people also will treat me like garbage. and although it's not about all that, it would turn into that. so I don't know if I should go
you know the greatest thing about my family... well the family I had? was that they were always resilient. we were all the phoenix rising from the ashes....
My mom had made a decision 23 yrs ago... to quit letting drugs and alcohol control her life, and even when my dad died not even a year later she still stood strong, she had been in relationships where men had abused her, or where we were assholes to her. she could have given up.. she could have went back to a shitty lifestyle no one would have blamed her.
A few times my mom threatened that she would go do these things.. but never did.
she's resilient because she decided family was more important... that I was important, that my brothers and sisters were important. or that even her being sober was important. and for 23 years my mom made positive choices, and became a beautiful influence in our lives.. someone we can look up to and admire.
I am grateful for my mom of all people.. she is my inspiration and she is the most amazing woman I'll ever know.
regardless of my family differences I guess this is the one thing we all agree on... is that she has fought for my family, she has made a choice to be the voice of reason.
Growing up in my time... was hard.. made me scared of the world... I struggled for my many years because of the addictions of my parents, I was always put in vulnerable situations where I became a victim. but I made a choice too... keep moving forward and be resilient that things could get better.
that better is not here.. I'm crying, and heart broken at the thought that I'll be exiled for who knows how long. because of some stupid petty argument, that maybe if they knew my situation maybe they'd have some understanding.
but that's the ting about being the younger sisters... they can't know everything.. they can only have pieces of my reality.. I'm sure if they knew.. maybe they'd be forgiving.
I don't know what to do... besides to write.. because my heart is hurting today..
I need something good... sometime soon.. because I'm scared of where I am heading... theres too much darkness happening right now.. that I'm feeling consumed..
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