Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Letting Her Go

I can't describe enough of what's going through my psychotic mind with everything that I've gone through last year, or all my years!
For the past 5 months I had someone in my life that I cherished, and it's always through loss that you realize these things... I was with someone who valued me, loved me, and adored me.. I had someone who would drop everything and be there for me! and you know what i did? I sabotaged it.. not only that, I lied about everything.
its been a week.. and my heart is being torn to pieces, on one side I want to race over to her house and beg her to come back into my life, and tell her the truth! everything was a lie, everything I said was a lie.. I was afraid.. I was worried and I was exhausted.. I was tired of all the fighting, the insecurities, and all the lies, and thinking I'm lying and cheating blah blah blah...
With what she's going through now... I'm devastated at what she's going through and on top of that she has to believe the lies I told her. and I'm trying so hard to stay away, trying so hard to let her live her life, and to not get in the way..
It hurts so much I had to tell someone how painful this has all been, and that the only mending would be with her, she is the only one who can make me feel better... and yet I can't let that happen.. I have to stay away, and with my broken heart and soul.. I have to fight every and all urges to write her, email her, text her, call her, snapchat, Facebook message, even mail her a letter. So here I am.. at a loss
So i figured.. why not.. write it to the universe as it'll never get in her hands, and she'll never even know..
My Love, i wish I could rewind time to take away all the tears that I caused, all the hurt that I caused, and to just wrap you in my arms and remind you that your loved, and cherished.  That every day we have been apart, all's i've thought about was you, and all's I want is you. My heart is aching for you, and I wish that I could tell you this.. I wish I could tell you how much I messed up, how afraid I was by your actions that day, and that I was shut down, I was closed off to the world and I just wanted to be alone, I needed to write, I needed to rest, I needed to mend! and instead I lashed out and sadly you were here, and you did everything beautifully.. I have never felt so loved an adored, and now that your gone, my heart and soul feel empty. I'm sorry for what your going through right now, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, or with you. I think of you everyday and I can't imagine what your feeling, but from me and my heart (cold or not) I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I cherish you.. and I miss you! and I hope that one day we will find our way back together again! 

However... I know... that I'm busted...(broken) and i need to figure some things out, and of course one thing I noticed is that you also need to figure things out.. I just wish we could do all that together, that you could know that in every part of you I am there ready for you, I'm always going to be here for you, you could show up tomorrow and my heart would leap for joy, and I might even cry because it would mean the universe sees beyond our turmoil and sees that I could be happy with you, I have been happy with you! I love you for loving me in my darkness, and staying by my side through everything,and I hope that through this dark time in your life, you know that I'm sending you all my love and strength to carry you through these days! 

I love you!, even if we never find our way back together I will never forget you!

Believe me.. I know I'm insane... I know that I'm not normal people... everything i've ever read about myself has proven to me one thing is I'm different. but I'm trying.. I'm trying to work out some things for myself and I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, I just wish they weren't so judgmental about  my situation, and yet at the same time if I wasn't completely honest with any of them i wouldn't be in this situation, but I also had to make sure someone was watching out for me, because this is the one thing about me.. is that I'll give up my jacket, my shoes, my hat, my life for anyone, I think I try to be there for anyone more than my own self.. an so the friends I have in my life are people who have to constantly remind me that I need to take care of myself.
And lets not forget that my current role models of amazing love is Joker and Harley Quinn hahaha! I know but apart from them would be Lois Lane and Clark Kent

I know I must keep Moving Forward and hope for the best

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