DETERMINATION!

This is my new word...im determind to find my way through all these freakin struggles! I got my favorite person Mary helping me find my way through each of these struggles...She's totally right that I have so much that I didn't deal with when I was in the home.. I wasn't willing because of fear...but now Im going to crush fear an freakin move from this cold season! Im going to make it through no matter what it takes.

I have hope..little hope...but it's growing each day as I continue to live, continue to not drink, not cut...there is a small seed of hope growing in my life that Im going to make it through all these events...Is that crazy??? Is it possible to make it through!

I tell you here an now...no matter what it takes...there is a lightness in my voice, a joy in my soul, each day the darkness the beast of burden is dying..I know that this not going to be forever an I know there may an will be a time when something bad is going to happen, something is going to hurt me, make me sad...but you know what I've become aware of how I feel, an how to express my feelings! So im not so worried..I also know I have so many people I can call anytime day or night, I have good support from my friend Krissy, an from my beautiful sweet amazing wonderful lady...Awe! (sigh) I can't tell you how great this woman is... just to think of it just makes me feel so great..she has become one of my greatest friends...she's walked with me through each horrible event in my life an has believed in me an helped carry me through all of this..

Now Im here! But guess what! Regardless of all the support I had...I made it here because I finally got tired of my old life. tired of drinking, tired of cutting, tired of tryin to numb the feelings, the pain, the hurt an the ache..instead Im facing each event with full speed of dealing with eachh of those things..why they are there..what I can do to make it through...an I only hope that I continue on this way of greatness...I can't tell you how great it feels to be alive! I mean everyday I never find a moment where Im bored...because Im constantly doing something that will better my health, better my physical healing, an my emotional healing.it's pretty exhausting though...but Im still facing these things continually an I love it!

Anyhow...I guess...telling more details would be nice because I love writing..

I've been outta the hospital maybe a week now...an the beginning it was so tough feeling scared to be out, scared of everything..but the time continued on an I started to become aware of my feelings, an aware of the people I want in my life.. I was able to see the goodness, the greatness of my heart, my life...my choices. my responsibilites..my joy! awe...it feels good to be here. it feels good to be living...it feels good to know that even through all these difficult times..I've had my lady stay with me..she has become a friend for life..loving me, laughing with me, surrounding me with her love, care an support..I feel her with me even when she's not with me..we have become so close..an I love it! I love it so much I wish I would've had more friends like this. Im so happy to have her. Im so happy that Im making it through these things..
Im not worried when she leaves..because I feel her with me..I carry her close to my heart an I cherish greatly. an Im not going to put myself ever in a situation where temptations, or anything that would make me feel like drinking or cutting. Im not going to do it....it's just because of my lady but honestly because Im tired of running from these feelings, tired of numbing myself an trying to hide when really...I have to face every fear, every ache...I now have an army of people fighting with me an for me..

I know everything will be okay..I know everything will be alright.. I know I feel it...Im vulnerable an breakable, an weak, but it's okay for now...because im starting to get the tools an knowledge of how to fight the beast, fight the darkness..an my amazing friend mary is going to help me find a proper help with a christian counselor...Im afraid of that because of some things I never wrote about here..but some things that I'll have to face, an bring before God...

No matter what happens...Im going to live!

I say it again No matter what happens Im going to LIVE!

laterz