Its three days now...three days I've been out...three days I've felt lost... three days i have not felt grounded or in the right state of mind. I wonder if my mind is actually a good thing or is it really like this.. I dont want to think about everything but at the same time I have nothing else to do. I can't go back to work and I may not even have my job much longer...I am pushing myself to go faster, do better...get outta this place... and yet really...I feel like Im exhausting myself with all these thoughts of doing better...
When I was in the hospital...It was easy for me to focus on me...but being out...I haven't focused on me at all..I'm thinking of my sister Im thinking of my family..Im being stuck here..and im hating it because it's also draining me.. Im not even healed at all and here I am trying to take on the whole world all over again...nothing has really changed about me...you know? the only thing thats changed is that I now have a large scar on my arm...thirty four stitches...good job.
I remember writing about how anxious I was to see it...to have some kind of feeling about the shit I did...but even when I looked at it...there was no feeling...no feeling of remorse no feeling of guilt no nothing....it's like...literally someone else was there when that was done, I dont remember doing it so it's hard to take responsibility for it when i dont remember it. i dont know maybe im crazy maybe soon enough it'll all come together of how i feel about this shit...
But i know...that as much as I say things are good. as much as im lying about everything..what more can anyone handle of this drama shit about me? there's nothing going on in my life. it's like being on a vacation thats been way too long and i just wanna go back to work. I even wanna leave everything... its like everything I worked towards fell to pieces, i fell to pieces.
How does someone recover from falling to pieces? how do I find balance? how do I know what Im thinking an not the other the darkness of me..the rage. the hate. how do I distinguish all of this.. and even then how do i lie? I have to lie until i tuesday. I have to do everything I can to avoid the black book. I have to avoid reading it, remembering it. I have to get through it till tuesday.... on tuesday judgement day..I dont care what happens tuesday I just need that black book to be taken care of..it's not about anything it's about everything..I need to tell someone about the black book. I need to tell someone what's really in there..because if I dont Im not sure I can make it...with whats in it..Im not sure how much longer it'll be okay.
I dont know how to get through all of this. Im not sure if it's possible..but im trying I guess that all that matters is that im trying...I normally would've given up..and have often thought about it but something...something is carrying me through... something is giving me some hope for tomorrow...or for next week... I just have to watch myself..I have to make sure i dont go crazy because more then enough I feel that way. I feel scared. I feel utter hopeless..people tellin me to have hope, people telling me to be strong... dont tell me these things there not helping... more an more as I realize Im not where I want to be, the more Im reminded Im not all I should be. this standard of excellence is bestowed in my own mind so im in a constant place of failure.
but i have to write good stuff... i have to say good stuff...but you know what i dont care.. i dont have a place. i dont have money. i dont have a job. all's I have are these scars...these disgusting scars...and it takes me watching people with scars to realize how monsterous I could become.. but im that person... i have to remember the words I wrote in the orange book. I have to remember that girl. that love. that hope. that strength in someone..in one lady..i have to remember that im worth it...im worth it because this one lady believed in me when i didn't believe. i have to try no matter what try remember the person she loves..the person i once was..