projecting fear

The last couple days I've been learning some things about someone else's past. and it got me thinking of my history. How much I thought that I was somebody you know? In school like all kids I was picked on, but it was never severe and once more native people entered my school it all changed. not long after we had formed our own little gang. and started terrorizing lots of other people...I instigated fights, and I forced fear onto others..

I didn't allow fear to grip me when I was surrounded by my people...but when I was alone I felt like I always and I mean always had to look out for myself..evene to this day. I could walk anywhere on east van and still have that gripping fear that something may happen to me...one day someone is going to remember that many years ago I got people to fight, to beat up young people our same age back then..and there going to remember that I was the leader I told people what to do...their going to remember that an then I'd be finished..

cause unlike this guy that spoke today...myself...well I only lasted a short time in the life of greatness... I didn't really techinally get back into that life...but I have been involved in situations that have been pretty horrible, and I've allowed myself to be known to certain people who know that Im the one person to be respected.

This class...well one thing also was choices...yesterday we learned about choices...our choices. and as much as no one wanted to admit it...we were all there for the purpose that we are all looking for a purpose..looking for a reason to continue living...
cause so far as I know it is that it is true..all these people in the world are hatin on us telling us we will amount to nothing, tellin us that drinking and drugs is all we have...and every single one of us in this group has struggled with that at one time or another.. we've all been in situations that we've had to protect ourselves..we've all struggled to survive... and even at this moment event being put into this program....
The struggle to continue to go..it's severe... forcing ourselves to wake up and say 'yes Im worth more then you know'.... to just wake up and come in...this group is a group of great people and although no one would ever say we are all holding eachother, helping eachother. I mean it's not a broken thing anymore, we are all walking through this thing with eachother.

Its' like what the guy was talking about....
There's two lines of fire and in the middle...that's where we are...well that's where all of us are every single one of us in the group are...and even though we'd never fully admit it.. we are all there helping eachother....striving ahead...and holding eachother together as a group as a team player...and as a leader. when one of us struggles..instead of teasing or hatin or hurting..we just bring their spirit up..and let them know...at least you came to class.. at least you came and did the right thing because it would've been so much easier if you just went back to the life you were living...doing what you've always done...and being where you always were.

this class...even in its wierd moments of pain and shit..it really gets peeps thinking about our lives and we sit an wonder....the words they speaking to us..is that fo real? if so how do we get through this damn life...we get through it by continuing to go to the class and start making goals for our lives to do great things in life.. I unno..

I just am amazed...there's lots said that I already know...but there are things I didn't know about or was not aware of and IM glad to have had the opportunity to be in this class because it really just helped me see some different things that I didnt see before...

ttyl