Sunday, March 15, 2009

tainted fear

These last few weeks I've seen the streets of our beautiful Vancouver become errupted with violence, everyday there's something new about some horrific crime that's been committed and how someone has been injured or died.

There's a movie I remember. how she had felt that there might've been lots of violence in the world and how it did not touch her, and one night it changed her life for the worst...

For me.. well I have seen the newspapers and had felt the affects of the city I live in.. meaning I have more connections then any transit, any some ways I have my own little possie of terrible times, these things that hurt me or harm me in some way.

It gets me thinking of what things I need to know? I mean how can I stop the violence in my city? Im terrified of my young little brothers and sisters going out, Im afraid myself of going out. the worst of it is when I moved back...I was afraid of what kinds of clothes I wanted to wear and how I wanted to wear them...but now someways it's just because of my skin color that I am targeted for these crimes...

Its pretty traumatizing...I had someone in my life tell me of a time in his life that he was affected by the pains of life....he had witnessed some traumatic things..he was affected greatly, painfully. it makes me worry...the state of mind that we go into the world...
I had another friend come to me for help...and the mind set of this friend was in the clouds, they didn't understand what they had done, or even grasp the cosequences.instead they are running from this pain....

How would someone face that?

It got me thinking of my role...I mean Im a citizen of Canada, and I live here in Vancouver. but Im also dreaming of the idea of becoming a police officer. my role in the future is pretty extreme. I would serve the community, the city. so my role now is my mind set is at what I can do to protect my city...lots of people know what I want to do with my life.. and so even if they still tell me terrible things and I have to figure out how important it might be to share that with other people.... I would feel terrible if I could've prevented something because of the words I would speak. Im not sure.

I recently wrote all of my close friends to explain to them that I may have put myself in a dangerous situation. and how I cherish my friendships, relationships and if anything ever happened to me..they would know...I might be being dramatic but I might be right on it...with the dreams and thoughts I've had since entering into this situaiton.

maybe Im losing my mind? lol

as for anything else... well Im in the bladerunners program it's pretty good...real awesome and Im glad to have been given this opportunity to make good choices in my life...I hope for a better future, and if I never make it to that....well the main thing for me is that I was my dream to do great things in the future. it was my desire to share with others that we can truly get through difficult times in our lives.


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