Saturday, March 7, 2009

living it all through

I've the opportunity to meet some amazing people in this past year of my life living back in Vancouver, I've connected with all parts of the city of Vancouver. I've made friends all over the world and I've made some really great just amazing things in my life.

I write today because I feel like I need to

I recently went through a very difficult task of making a decision about a friend. This friend of mine is the most prized friend I could ever have, and when my friend is down in the dumps I do everything humanly possible to make everything better. however with all things there comes the faults of my work in this community. I was told that I hated her or did not care about her, she spoke of ending her life. It gutted me and showed me, proved to me the heartache I have caused my friends. She requires more help then what I feel I can handle. I myself am only getting through these difficult times of the effects of what I've done. let alone trying to help someone else get through something I'm not even fully sure is possible. It hurt me because I could no imagine the pain I've caused those closest to me. These scars are my reminders of a story of my life. a time in my life where I realized that Im truly here for greatness.

Two weeks after this incident of my life.. I met a woman. I have corrospended with her through messages. well she came to Van and I must say what a scary situation it had been for me. I wasn't sure how to tell her what I had done, and I wasn't even sure i could even feel comfortable saying anything. was more different then anything I've ever experienced. she shared with me her encouraging words, her words of wisdom and her words of inspiration. she reminded me of what I was here for. she knew that I have been brought here for a reason. It honestly was like I had lost the reasons of why I was living, it was like this was my falling out period, or my rock bottom as some may call it.. I forgot why I was living, I forgot why I was breathing and I forgot what it felt like to be happy to be me.
Im not sure what purpose she has in my life. but i know that the night I met her. I could not describe to you the true greatness of her life. and her choices, her actions, her love. It had surrounded me, and in her presence I realized the greatness of my life. As low and self-pity as I felt, she threw that all away...and I woke up...expecting to see the world as it is... but I didn't.

Within the next few days my life was transformed.. I had things going right for me. I was able to get into the program I applied for, and I felt full of life. wanting to scream from the roof tops because I felt like everything was finally coming together...I dont know if it still would've come regardless of what I did...but I know that it's coming together now and I could not be happier.

The story does not end there...

I wonder what Im supposed to know? This life of mine is full of great value and someone told me about the ways I could remind myself why I dont want to end my life, or why I dont want to cut. and that's my family. the images, and life I've brought to them...the memories, the love is all of great value to me..there is not a friend in my life that holds a place in my heart like my famliy. I have committed my life to protecting, loving and caring for them. and everything else can just fall of the earth...because it's all I really truly and utterly care about..

Yet in the midst of all that... It's still unclear to me why Im here or why I survived that night. I could've sat at that park an let all my blood flow outta me. I could've just let my life go. instead that didnt happen. instead someone was there with me. she called the police she called for the help I required....was it all really a mistake? no I dont think so.. I wish that I hadn't done the things that I had, but I know because of those things there is a better understanding of myself. I better know my self, and my actions, my choices, my decisions. my friends and my family. that night changed my life, and that night with that woman was the true transformation of my life.

Im not sure where things will go from here...

I just know that I know...that I dont want to end my life. I dont want to mess things up for myself and I hope to survive and change...change myself and by that begin to change the world.

No comments: