feeling taken advantage of

I feel like this is true for so many... but for me..

I've spent my adult life trying to give back to my community. Give back to my family. 

It super shitty honestly.

Alls they ever saw in my disappearance was that I abandoned them..took off to live a new life in Ontario. When reality was... I had given all I could an was ready to take my life. Because in my mind at that time.. was that I thought this was all my life would ever be. 

Constantly being belittled an tormented by moms new bf. And constantly giving up my young years or teenage years to take care of the family. Blah blah blah.

I didn't wanna run. I didn't wanna go across country.

But once I did.

Once I felt the world. Once I felt free.

I didn't wanna come back ever.

An even as I returned. All the turmoil. All the pain. This family had endured for years without telling me. 

An all the need I had to make up for leaving.

Was just too much.

Haven't I given enough.

My life for these past six years. Unbelievable 

My life... completely consumed by this kid.

All of everything I have. Everything I've done to be there for him. Give him everything. Even if I have nothing..

It's so difficult...

It's very true.. 

I could live off welfare. I could earn nothing an just get by.

 But apart from this kid.

I've spent approx 12 yrs of my life working this job. I've bounced around. But my name..my reputation. Have always been solid..

People who speak about me. Can't say I did them wrong. Can't say I said something an did another.

With cutting ties to most of my family. 

I've helped My life do better.

But then... there's my brother. Whom I've helped a lot. An I think about this... how much I've done for him. How much he's helped me. But at the same time.   Thinking maybe reality is he hates me. Because he tells stories. Tells lies. An behind my back he'd stab it for fun. As if not to say. I helped him. Helped him pay bills. Helped him get to a to b. Helped support him to do better.. encouraged him to stop living the way he is.

I have no idea what the word is....when these people. This entire family of mine. Not one of them has a paying job. They all live on welfare..

I vowed in my younger years I wasn't going to live on welfare. But...when I needed to go to school. I had to lean on social assistance. An it helped. But when I finished school. I got a job. 

Unfortunately I left Ontario sometime after to come back here... 

What my life would be today If I hadn't left Ontario. I can't even imagine it because.... my life here in BC has been forever.

I'm giving. Giving. 

An supporting. Encouraging. Etx. An getting shit on. 

Getting friendless.

Getting hurt.

Getting into a dark room.

Dark head space...where I think.....thoughts... but unfortunately I can't...I can't let myself be in that head space an for me to cope with that head space I have to react temporarily to survive.

Someone said I'm a terrible mom

Cause one day me an the kid were talking. An I told him I'm going to die.. one day. An he teared up. An got sad. An I tried to explain this was part of life. An that technically I already died...last year. An that it's just life. An he said he needs me forever.

I got sad.

Cause... in my dark head space. Dark thoughts.

I have to recall this to remind me. What I'd be doing to him if I wasn't here.

Not a clear reason to live forever. But a reason to make it through today 

That is all..

lost in space

Spent last few months unaware of how to properly do the job. I work every day trying to find structure trying to Find proper way of navigate In Between buildings.

Try to tell my team.  That I know what I'm doing without any direction.

I thought I was doing a great job. I thought I brought some structure some organisation for purpose. For the first time in months, I found that my team is going behind my back their talking to my boss about my leadership. Which jeopardizes my job?

Without navigation. Without a goal set in mind. I've spent my time aiming at things..programs. people. Trying to say this is what we're here for. This is what we do..just to find out that they either unintentionally or intentionally spoke to my boss who pulled me aside an told me to take a day off.. 

At first I thought wow. I finally get a day off work. But I honestly just have purpose everyday bringing donations. Bringing leadership idk

I rarely take time off work.

But being told by my boss to take a day off..makes me think someone is saying something.

I'm not too stressed about my job. An now I have to wonder who is speaking to him an what are they saying about me. 

I have all my guards up.. not that I didn't think I could handle these assholes. But that I thought we were on the same page.

It hurt... was a giant reality check. Of knowing that we aren't. That what I say to them. Is or isn't ok..idk..but to not follow protocol.. bs.

And my manager not following protocol. BS

Now I feel alone. Like.... I have no back up.. no one I can turn too. 

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed.

I know now moving forward. Trust no one. 

Which is lame.

I cant even get angry about what they said or did.